Hi, my name is Sue and I guess I’ve come here for help.
I’m 37, separated (married 12 yrs) and I have a 7 old son. I’ve been separated from my husband and a year & ½. It has been at times a very stressful transition. Most of my friends who have split with their husbands – it was their choice and their husbands want back in. But my husband left me and he doesn’t want back in, and to be honest I don’t want him back, it was a tough 2 years living with him at the end of our relationship.
You might ask why I’ve come here….well here it goes.
Over the last year I’ve have gone thru like a rebirth or have blossomed into a cool person (or so my friends say) it’s like the man I was with held me back, I did everything I was suppose to do, I wasn’t very independent – at least until a had a child, slowly as I found my voice, my husband found someone else.
During the last six months I have connected with 2 friends, we all have similar situations, so we have been going out on a weekends…to bars and stuff to find men. Well over this time I have become very confused about my sexuality – I’m not sure that I want one. In fact I think that my leaning in the opposite direction.
I am so confused…about my life…and how to pursue what I want or what I think I want.
At 37 I feel like am 17 or something, but with so many more complications I have a son, and my mom lives with us, straight friends. It’s like I can’t just forget everything and everyone and change everything. Especially when I’m not sure that I am gay or bisexual or neither.
You may ask why do you think you might be gay, my answer is ….well I’m really not sure, but I do find women attractive and have thought about being with them. But I also find men attractive. I fear my confusion is related to my bad marriage and general mistrust of men that I have always had. But most important or relevant is that between 14 and 16 I experimented with a friend, she didn’t live close but she would come to see her grandparents who lived above us….she’d always end up sleeping over my house. We never really talked about it and it only happened on occasion, but we both knew what was going to happen when she slept over. But the last time we saw each other I was confused and blew her off ….now that I think back on this I feel very bad about leaving like that. She must have been so hurt by how I handled it.
I had really pushed this out of my head and dismissed it as nothing for so long. But these feelings were real and I really liked her.
So now where do I go from here, what would you do? Should I talk to my 2 close friends (afraid of losing them)
I know this was a long story and thanks for reading it! And for any insight you have.
sue
Sat Mar 11, 2006 4:47 pm
chordphrute
Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 1412
Location: Nouvelle Orléans, Louisiane
First and foremost - Congratulations on your rebirth... I'm sure your divorce was a very liberating experience. Good for you.
Keep in mind that your son, mother, straight friends, etc... are only complications if you make them complications Many of us here have children, parents, and straight friends to boot! Feel out the attitudes of your closest friends to see how they feel first about bisexual/lesbian women - if you came right out and said it, they might get very defensive and feel awkward, among other things. Feel them out first...and always remember, that if they truly love you - it won't matter. My biggest argument pertaining to "coming out" or in your case, exploring possibilities... is that sexuality is fluid - it is not the be-all and end-all of your life.. That is - don't marinate so long on it that you pop like a jack-in-the-box. Sexuality should not be the main focus of your life - you have a family, friends, hobbies, maybe a job, other interests...etc. Who you sleep with or prefer to sleep with does not define you. I think a lot of lesbian and bisexual women linger on this too much, the labels that is.
I know this probably isn't too helpful, but I'm rushing around tonight... if you'd like to chat, feel free to IM me using AIM... 'IIVVIFR6VI'.
Good luck. _________________ "You can't kiss and keep your eyes open, they'll cross forever" - Rubyfruit Jungle
Sun Mar 12, 2006 12:56 am
Lizzy_tish
Joined: 19 Mar 2006
Posts: 95
Location: N.California
I understand how you feel, its very hard to decide later on in life how you may feel. I left my husband after 13 years of marriage. We had two children together and I felt that it was my duty to my family to stay married.I wasnt thinking about how unhappy I was not living my life the way I wanted to. That in turn only made me miserable and I was suffering from depression. It wasnt until I started living my life for me that I truly came into myself. I had to start all over. I had never really lived on my own and I hadnt had a real job in 11 years. I just decided it was now or never. I was 34 years old and life was passing me by. I moved into a two bedroom apartment, got a full time job as a pre school teacher. It was really hard at first, but I just decided that a happy mom equals happy kids. Its been two years now, and I have been with my partner now for a little over a year and a half. She has been very understanding of my life and my transition. It was hard coming out to my family and friends. I have been lucky, all of my friends have been very supportive, but I had already decided that those that were not going to be happy for me, or couldnt learn to accept my choices didnt need to be part of my life.
Mon Mar 20, 2006 2:55 am
realwoman
Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa
Re: 37 and confused
quote:Originally posted by suezq68:
...........
I had really pushed this out of my head and dismissed it as nothing for so long. But these feelings were real and I really liked her.
So now where do I go from here, what would you do? Should I talk to my 2 close friends (afraid of losing them)
........
Dear sue
Firstly, WELCOME TO MELS!
LOL - it seems that we share the "Lucy Jordan" syndrome - "
at the age of 37
". I also had feelings for woman since i can remember, but in the conservative society in which I grew up, I ascribed it to "admiration for role-models", until I was 37, and really faced my reality, and myself. I realised that I could not go on lying to myself anymore....
So, I started to do some research, and that would be my first recommendation to you - READ UP! The internet has many useful resources, and search terms such as 'human sexuality', 'spiritual intelligence', 'late blooming lesbian', etc, may prove to be useful.
I grew up in a completely straight world, and when I made my peace with myself and who I am - almost two years ago, now, I did not know any lesbians - heh. I told my straight friends one by one over a period of time, and they have been nothing but supportive. Some of them (the most conservative ones -lol) have told me that they knew it all along! They are your close friends - you will not lose them because you prefer to connect on an emotional and physical level with woman rather than with men! You are still you - you did not change at all from who and what you were before you started to admit these feelings to yourself - you are just more honest with yourself.
Also, remember that this is a journey, a life-long process, of getting to know yourself - and what a wonderous discovery it is!
Enjoy this journey, and do not hesitate to come and chat if you need to get some more ideas - heh
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Many of us here have children, parents, and straight friends to boot! Feel out the attitudes of your closest friends to see how they feel first about bisexual/lesbian women - if you came right out and said it, they might get very defensive and feel awkward, among other things. Feel them out first...and always remember, that if they truly love you - it won't matter. My biggest argument pertaining to "coming out" or in your case, exploring possibilities... is that sexuality is fluid - it is not the be-all and end-all of your life.. That is - don't marinate so long on it that you pop like a jack-in-the-box. Sexuality should not be the main focus of your life - you have a family, friends, hobbies, maybe a job, other interests...etc. Who you sleep with or prefer to sleep with does not define you. I think a lot of lesbian and bisexual women linger on this too much, the labels that is.
