Joined: 24 May 2005
Posts: 11
Location: San Francisco, California
I tooootally need help!
My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. I live in one country and she lives in another. We see each other about 3 times a year for like 2 weeks and we only want each other.
The problem is that wwhen we are together, everythingis fantastic. When we are apart I expect way too much like her telling me she loves me all the time and I'd liek for her to be sappy and stuff. But she is so not like that. She's the type of person that in order to deal with the distance she needs to turn herself off. She loves me and misses me so much that if she constantly thinks about it, it hurts her too much, so she turns her emotions off. Me...when I miss her I get all emotional and I need to express it all the time. So I get kinda cheesy and sappy and expect her to act the way I do.
We've been bickering about it more, how differently we react and I think I've put too much pressure on her to be something she's not. But at the same time I feel like I'm not getting the attention I need to help me deal with the distance. I don't want anyone else and neither does she.
I've also gotten jealous of her friends and I know I've made her feel like I don't trust her in the past.
I really need help. I'm in a moment now where I don't know what to do because while she's at home watching TV or whatever, I think to myself, "She should be on the phone with me telling me how much she misses me and how much she loves me. Doesn't she love me?" WHEN I know very well that she does because she's told me so and we've been dating for 3 years like this. If she didn't love me she would have left a long time ago. She says she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. WHy do I drive her and myself crazy? _________________
"You have to realize that love is truly one of the most extraordinary things you can experience in your life. To begrudge someone else their love of another person because of gender seems to me absolutely absurd."
-Jennifer Beals
Sun Aug 21, 2005 7:26 pm
bliss
Joined: 24 May 2005
Posts: 11
Location: San Francisco, California
Hmmmm...just thought I'd say I'm feeling better.
I went a little mental. The distance drives me crazy. I'll deal though.
Kinda embarrassed by that first post though.
Thanks for those of you who read it. _________________
"You have to realize that love is truly one of the most extraordinary things you can experience in your life. To begrudge someone else their love of another person because of gender seems to me absolutely absurd."
-Jennifer Beals
I understand completley bliss. No worries. I do it all the time. Sending you my warmest thoughts.
MH _________________ From this life to the next
I will love you
Mon Aug 22, 2005 2:18 am
Babygirl
Joined: 15 Nov 2004
Posts: 65
Location: My own private nightmare, England
quote:Originally posted by bliss:
The distance drives me crazy. I'll deal though.
Hey bliss, I know what you mean about the distance driving you crazy! My wife lives in Australia and I'm in England which is one hell of a distance... you're lucky to see your g/f about 3 times a year, I've seen my wife twice in the past two years!!!
Long distance relationships are difficult at the best of times; I speak to my wife nearly every day or if we can't talk directly we send text messages and e-mails. Now she tells me that she loves me and misses me etc. every time we speak which is wonderful however there can be sometimes when I wish she wouldn't because hearing that she misses me so much every time we talk often makes me feel worse!! I'm not sure why, I think that hearing it brings it home even more just how far away she is and how much I miss HER... does that make any sense?
Maybe you need to just let her be herself, if she needs to turn her emotions off sometimes because it's all too painful for her then maybe you need to try and support her as much as you can from where you are and let her know that you love her and will stand by her with however she needs to deal with the separation but also tell her that you need to know that she understands how YOU feel and that you also need her support from time to time too; relationships are a two way street and she needs to remember that you are having to deal with the distance between you as well and that it's not easy for you either. People are all different and deal with things in different ways, she obviously handles pain and separation completely differently to you so try not to be too hard on her!! It's nice to have that constant reassurance every day but hopefully you are both secure enough in your relationship to survive the distance without it from time to time!
I hope none of that sounded harsh or offended you in any way, it certainly wasn't meant to
Why have you become jealous of her friends though? _________________ "I heard that in the hierarchy of reincarnation, the lowest form is a heterosexual man. Then as you go up the ladder, the highest reincarnation form is a lesbian." - Melissa Etheridge
Mon Aug 22, 2005 8:35 am
bliss
Joined: 24 May 2005
Posts: 11
Location: San Francisco, California
quote:Originally posted by Babygirl:
Why have you become jealous of her friends though?
I'm not jealous with friends that she knew before she and I got together. She has this one friend in particular that she admitted having a crush on. Now though she says that the onl;y reason she had a bit of a crush on her was because she was giving her attention (telling her that the pictures she took were really awesome and complimenting her). This woman that she is best friends with though is a happily married STRAIGHT woman with kids. I know I know...why am I jealous? Well I sort of feel like this other woman (whom she also met through the net) is replacing me. My GF used to always confide in just ME and now there is someone else. My GF and I were also best friends before we became GFs. So I guess as in all relationships, I'm dealing with the fact that I am the GF and not the Best Friend (you know that person you can confide to about how CRAZY your GF is making you? ) However when I told my GF this she says to me, "YOU are my BEST best friend, babe."
I hate the person I've become. I think I had low self esteem before but now I realize that the distance has brought my esteem level lower because I can't SEE her or FEEL her you know? I can't go to bed with her every night and I can't get a hug after we make up. She can't reassure me with kisses.
If she and I were together, none of this would even BE a problem. She can go ahead and talk to whoever she wants. *sigh*
Thanks for all your advice and words, ladies! I just have to clam myself down and let her love me the way she does. I have to stop creating this problem for myself. It's all in my mind! _________________
"You have to realize that love is truly one of the most extraordinary things you can experience in your life. To begrudge someone else their love of another person because of gender seems to me absolutely absurd."
-Jennifer Beals
Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:54 pm
bliss
Joined: 24 May 2005
Posts: 11
Location: San Francisco, California
Up there, I meant that this NEW friend she met that has become her best friend would compliment my GF a lot with things that she does. My GF is very artsy. And my GF likes getting the attention.
My GF says now that hse doesn't have a crush on her though she may find this new friend still attractive looking. But she tells me that she loves ME and she wants to spend the rest of her life with ME. _________________
"You have to realize that love is truly one of the most extraordinary things you can experience in your life. To begrudge someone else their love of another person because of gender seems to me absolutely absurd."
-Jennifer Beals
Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:57 pm
Renee
Joined: 05 Jul 2005
Posts: 88
bliss,
is this separation a temporary thing to endure until one or the other of you gets out of school, or something like that? How often do you speak with each other? I know some couples who are temporarily separate due to jobs, etc., but they speak with each other every day to help stay feeling connected. Would your girlfriend be willing to make some concessions and perhaps call you a bit more? It must be hard when you feel you are getting so little of her...details, please, ie; how long is this separation, how often does she call...
Tue Aug 23, 2005 3:51 pm
bliss
Joined: 24 May 2005
Posts: 11
Location: San Francisco, California
She has 2 years of university left in her country.
Lately we've been talking to each other everyday (but because we've been having a rough time with the distance). She gets mad at me sometimes for calling everyday (and whining about how much I miss her) but only because she'd rather I save my money for seeing her and our future. I've spent about $900 on phone bills before and that's practically a plane ticket out to see her.
So we are supposed to talk every weekend. And during the week email and txt. That's what we USED to do when we started dating. It's not enough for me though, but I wonder whether it's because I just let the distance get to me all the time. She's really good at occupying herself with other things like school and projects. She also says she's used to being alone (which is why it's easier for her to turn her emotions off). She'll do artsy stuff: take pictures, draw, webpage developement. She's really good.
I've decided that I am going to move over there. I'm excited about it, yet a little unsettled. I've already taken language classes for this country. But I'll be leaving the US and my family (whom I've never been away from). She's worth it though. Just sometimes I don't believe in myself like I should. And then I end up getting even more insecure...especially about things that haven't happened or may not happen.
Right now I feel like I have the maturity level of a 10 year old. I can't believe I'm not as composed about all of this as I expect myself to be. I should be stronger, I feel.
We've been doing a little bit better lately. I've felt a little more relaxed and less jealous. A lot less jealous.
Does anyone ever feel like you want to take your head off and use a great big spatula to scrape all the negativity and crud out of your mind and stick your head back on your body all fresh and new? (Sorry for the graphicness, haha.)
Can we ever be fresh and new? _________________
"You have to realize that love is truly one of the most extraordinary things you can experience in your life. To begrudge someone else their love of another person because of gender seems to me absolutely absurd."
-Jennifer Beals
Thu Aug 25, 2005 12:20 am
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
Bliss,
I don't think your fears and insecurities is a bad thing. Relationships are hard enough without the weight of long distance added and certainly not being able to see eachother adds even more strain. Also, I don't think you are crazy at all for feeling the way you do. But there are things you can do to validate yourself, your own feelings instead of leaving that responsibility to her or anyone else on an every basis. If or when you live together it will be just as important or even more so while sharing the same space, so it can't be a bad thing that you both are going through this now, it can be practice period.
Writing what I feel as they are is helpful to me for my own validation of feelings. In my own long distant relationship I had thoughts like...'wow is this real'? Or feelings such as 'afraid that long distance will be something else totally in real time on an everyday basis', or 'is she seeing the real me and I her?' There are alot of insecurities that come up for me in a long distance relationship. Maybe these aren't the same things you might think or feel but I know how it affects me.
I hope you can find some ways to validate yourself while not minimizing what you feel. The boards are great for support too, but eventually we have to learn to do it for ourselves, learning to trust ourselves or again it will be a dependance on someone else. Both support from others and self validation skills can really help
Dance~
Thu Aug 25, 2005 9:51 pm
Linda Bray
Joined: 22 Aug 2004
Posts: 4052
Bliss,
Long distance is definately tough! I think the most important thing is communication. Make sure you talk to your g/f about whatever you are feeling...going through. This is one of the important steps to stay connected on an emotional level and to be vulnerable with each other. It is important to talk to others as well but make sure your g/f comes first. If the communication breaks down the relationship will fall apart. If you or your g/f are not communicating and sharing with each other...it can feel very lonely, feeling left out of the relationship and little by little it will all fall away. If you do not have communication there is nothing left of any substance. Also it is important to discuss ways to stay connected. Perhaps sit down and work out a plan for when you can be together. Its harder long distance to stay connected...you must work hard at it. You can do it though. My first long term relationship, I lived in Texas...she was in California..back then computers werent as popular as now...she and i were penpals...we wrote letters, talked on the phone, sent each other gifts...for six months...we met the first time in a year...then made a few more trips back and forth and we moved in together we were together for 6 years. Anyway....keep the communication going. I wish you both luck...in this journey. Take good care.
Peace,
Linda _________________ a poets heart is never empty....
Linda Bray
Wed Sep 28, 2005 9:13 pm
Babygirl
Joined: 15 Nov 2004
Posts: 65
Location: My own private nightmare, England
quote:Originally posted by Linda Bray:
Long distance is definately tough! I think the most important thing is communication. Make sure you talk to your g/f about whatever you are feeling...going through. This is one of the important steps to stay connected on an emotional level and to be vulnerable with each other. It is important to talk to others as well but make sure your g/f comes first. If the communication breaks down the relationship will fall apart.
I'll agree with that 100%! My wife (in Oz) and I talk every day either by text or on one of the internet messenger services; we have been together for 19 months now and we have about another two months to go before she can come back to the UK to register our partnership and apply to stay here permanently. If we didn't talk so often and tell each other how we are feeling - whether it be good or bad - I don't think we probably would have survived such a long distance separation! Because of the communication between us our relationship is stronger than ever and we have a better understanding of each other on an emotional basis.
As Linda says... stay connected, communicate your feelings and if you work hard at your relationship and stay determined to make it successful then it can happen! Best of luck!! _________________ "I heard that in the hierarchy of reincarnation, the lowest form is a heterosexual man. Then as you go up the ladder, the highest reincarnation form is a lesbian." - Melissa Etheridge
Thu Sep 29, 2005 11:31 pm
Linda Bray
Joined: 22 Aug 2004
Posts: 4052
Bliss,
It sounds as if you have a good head on your shoulders and youhave a pretty good grip on your relationship. I think you will be fine. If you or your girl however need to talk feel free to pm me....or if you would like my IM i will give it. Good luck to you and your fine lady. I am very happy for you and your love. Be safe and take good care.
Peace,
Linda _________________ a poets heart is never empty....
Linda Bray
Fri Sep 30, 2005 12:39 am
allein
Joined: 25 Sep 2005
Posts: 18
Location: USA
empathy
Bliss-
After i read your post(s) I felt totally compelled to reply. whether you read this fully or not, it's something that i have much experience with. My g/f and I are an ocean apart (US to Europe). Like you, we see each other once a year, for about 2 weeks. I am like you, where we try so hard to not piss our g'fs off, but we just cant help trying to communicate (aka, phone, email) that we end up doing it anyway. My g'f is like yours, where she seems to not feel pain if she's not thinking about it. And I know what you go through- it feels at times like you're pulling teeth or that its become a one-sided relationship!
The best way that I can explain why we seem to be going crazy... it has a lot to do with the feeling that being mad or upset with someone makes it easier for you to not be around them. Its just human nature. The last time I saw my g'f she was very upset with me because the interval before that time when we were apart I was so anal about wanting to constantly talk to her that I almost turned her completely away from me. Once you get to the point where you can see things crumbling, you'll realize that you must do whatever it takes to salvage what you have left and rebuild.
It's very hard. I'm sure, since you remind me a lot of my own situation, that you cry frequently. I do. And everytime it happens I want to call my babe up just to hear her voice. But if I did that, I would be talking to her nonstop. It's very expensive to talk on the phone- like you said $900. That is the equivalent of a ticket into her arms.
The thing that you have to work on is "tricking" yourself. As a human, you are able to make yourself believe absolutely anything you want, including making jealous feelings stronger- and that just adds fuel to the fire. You have to learn to use this ability for your own good. For example, when i find myself getting upset because that feeling of emptiness takes over my body, I just say to myself "You can't do anythinig about it right now, at this moment" and the proceed to do something else. Just say "I'm not going to think about it right now..." and then DONT. I know, it's easier said than done, however you really dont have any other choice except for calling her up- and potentially making things worse. Practice this, and with time it'll get easier.
I know how you feel. Really. And the feeling still eats me alive. But part of loving someone with all of your heart means that you have to make sacrifices- no matter how painful it is for right now, you will be benefitting yourself later on. Trust me... and trust yourself when you are talking yourself OUT of something, rather than INTO something!
-Allein (which is german for "alone") _________________ I took down all of the pictures of you, then realized that they were the only left signifying your existence...
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) However when I told my GF this she says to me, "YOU are my BEST best friend, babe."
I can't believe I'm not as composed about all of this as I expect myself to be. I should be stronger, I feel.
