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Story Forum Index -> Emotional Lesbian Stories

I'll never let go

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Mara



Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 53
Location: The Netherlands
I'll never let go

I’m wandering around. Taking in what I see and forgetting it immediately. I feel at home. I love the city. I love that it never sleeps. There are always lights on. Traffic never dies. Fumes come up and 24/7 there is always a place you can grab something to eat. People live so close to each other, but never have to say a word. Communication isn’t through words. You can see what people want to say, by how they are clothed, how they look at you, or don’t look at you. Body language says it all. There is so much to see, but you don't have to do anything with it.
It is dark already. I walk over the boulevard, down the stairs, unto the beach and take my shoes off, I want to feel the sand beneath me. The sea seduces me and I can’t resist, I let my feet feel the cold water and they become numb in only seconds, just as I have been, for a long time now. The sound of the waves are telling me it is okay, the wind tries to wipe my tears away, the stars are shining brightly in an attempt to lighten my dark days.
I walk along the harbour. The cafés have a busy night. I see people laughing, talking, drinking, kissing. I used to be like that.
I keep on walking. The streets are all so familiar. We must have walked these a thousand times. Now I don’t even pay attention to where I’m going. It’s all a big blur. Suddenly I realise where my feet brought me.
Here I am, wandering around the park again. Every time I feel bad, I come here. For a long time I didn’t know why I did that, but there are a lot of memories build in this place. As a baby my loving mother took me here for walks when I wouldn’t stop crying. I took my first steps here. My father thought me how to hit the ball right when we were playing baseball with the whole family. In my teenage years I must have swam in the pond hundreds of times. I jogged here every morning. It’s here where I got my first kiss. I love the peace and quietness. It’s a place to rest, to breathe, to linger. It’s an oasis in this busy city.

It’s here where I first met you. I think I was 5 years old and you were 8. I was on the swing, my mother went to get ice cream. I had a hard time swinging by myself. A bunch of kids came and started bullying me. It scared me, I didn’t know what to do. But there you came, told them all to leave. They were stunned about the way you spoke up to them, the only thing left for them was to leave. You came up behind me and started to push me gently. You had been watching me. You stayed with me until my mom came back. That was the beginning of our friendship.
I remember when I was eight we stood in that same park, late at night, in our pyjamas. It was cold and rainy, but that didn’t matter, we had a treasure to burry. We sneaked out of your house on one of our sleepovers. You grabbed a shovel out of your dads shed and I carried our creation. In my hand I held a beautiful, self made, pink box. Our time capsule, containing a lot of our memories and our future plans. We walked over to our favourite tree and you started digging. In ten years we would dig it up again. A lot of things could happen in ten years, but you made a promise: “I’ll never leave you.”
The year after that you went to high school and slowly we grew apart. I don’t think we noticed it at first. We were in different schools, started hanging out with different friends. You turned into one of the popular girls with a huge love for art. I became the bohemian, silent, musician type. In school we never really hung out, but somehow you were always there.
Eventually the day came to dig up our time capsule. Would you be there? Did you remember? I went anyway, despite you’d be there. When I found our tree, you were already standing there, the same shovel in your hand we used to bury it.

It was a new beginning. You knew I would attend the same college as you over the summer and asked me if I wanted to live with you, your roommate would leave soon. I immediately said yes. That’s when our life together started. I came to know you in a whole different way.
You still were the cheerful, protective, attentive, sweet girl I knew you to be, but there was so much more. You became my best friend, my soul mate. It felt like we were just one person, but divided in to two bodies. There were other friends, there was family, there was work and college, but at the end of the day I came home to you.
At first there were boyfriends, we even did the whole double dating, but they never worked out. When I finished college, you just finished your dissertation. We searched for a new home and got a real nice apartment. It wasn’t far from the beach, it had two bedrooms, a living room, a nice kitchen and a little garden. We did a lot of constructing and painting, we bought a lot furniture and eventually our home was ready.
You started working at the museum, I was a music teacher. It was like living in a dream. It was just you and me and we could do whatever we wanted to. When we were free we’d go surfing, skating, visit a museum, go to the movies. Every morning we jogged in the park, we watched movies at night. We could spend hours in our living room, I would be behind the piano and you would be painting. I wrote a lot of music those years, I guess you were my source of inspiration.

One night you got a call from your father. Your grandmother was very sick. She had had a heart attack. Together we went to the hospital. That night she died. You were devastated. I knew you loved your grandmother immensely. I took you home and brought you to bed. You cried and cried. You tried to sleep but couldn’t. Eventually I laid down next to you and comforted you. Early in the morning we fell asleep. When I woke up I found you in my arms. You were still asleep. All the crying left it’s trace, your whole face was a mess. I made breakfast. I gently stroke your hair and you awoke. We had breakfast. Night after night I found you crying in bed. It became a habit to sleep together. I never slept in my own bed again.
Our friendship became more physically. It felt good to have you in my arms at night. When I was making dinner, I could feel you coming from behind, placing your hands around my waist and looking over my shoulder to see what I was making. We never talked about what is was between us. We just enjoyed it. I felt married to my best friend, afraid to admit is was more than that. We grew really close but we never crossed the line. A line we never talked about, but was very clear written in our minds. We never kissed, we never made love. I believe we both wanted to, but we didn’t.

Then a friend of ours came, he needed help. He was a photographer and was in the middle of shooting. His models gave up on him and he asked us to model for him. All we needed to do was to act as a couple for one day. You joked about that: “That won’t be a problem, that’s what we’ve been doing for years.” And so we helped him. He took us to the park.
For once I got to taste the sweet lips of the woman I loved so much. I felt her arms around me as I felt them a thousand times, but this time it was different. I got goose bumps all over. When I softly kissed her in her neck I felt her shiver. I looked at her and saw her eyes fill up with tears. Silently they fell down. I buried my face in her chest. For one day we loved each other in a whole different way.
The day after was a little awkward. I went to pack my bags. I went away with a class at school for a week. I asked you to bring me to school, but you couldn’t, you said you had to leave for work. You practically ran out. I knew you were scared.
I didn’t had to go, but I volunteered. I needed time to figure this out. What was I feeling? Was this love? Was I in love with my best friend? I came to accept the fact that I did. I felt relieved. I came to realise that she was the person I was meant to be with. She was the one I was searching for my whole life. That one day in the park we experienced our love for each other and now we were back to normal. I silently hoped that we would change, that we could love each other like we did that one day. That day showed me what we’ve been doing all this time. Now, there was no way of denying it any more.

When I got home I wanted to talk to you about it, but you told me you wanted to swim in the pond in the park. I really wanted to talk, but you were determined. It didn’t feel right, I didn’t know where it came from, but I always loved these little quirks of you, so there was no saying no.
We swam for an hour and then you had a brilliant idea. You would jump of the bridge. We had done that a million times, so I didn’t bother to warn you not to jump to far to the left. On the left side under the bridge lay an old tree, just beneath the surface of the water.
You stood on the ledge held your arms out. You screamed “I’m the king of the world!!”. Your impression of Leo was splendid. I laughed, looked to you and said: “I’ll never let go Jack, I’ll never let go.” You looked at me sadly and then came a softer: “I love you”. You dived, head first, to the left and hit the tree and that was it. I lost only the person I truly loved right there. I never thought about having to bury you. But I had to.

A week later a letter came in the mail. You had send it just before I came home. You explained what you did and why. You wrote that you couldn’t do this anymore. You had loved me for so long and ever since that shoot realised what kind of love this was. You got scared. What if this was it? What if I didn’t see it as something more. Ever since we were kids you had felt yourself drawn to me. When you promised me you would never leave me, you meant it. In school you always followed me around. In college you have held your dorm available for months and paid double, just in case I would say yes when we would meet in the park to dig up our time capsule.
When we came to live together you were the happiest person alive. We have had boyfriends, but you never made an attempt to make it work, because you knew that that would mean to let me go, if only a little. The first night I held you to sleep, when your grandmother died, you never felt so safe. It meant so much to you to share this grieve. Our relationship deepened so much since then. You couldn’t express that any other way then to physically be close to me. It felt so good the way we melted together when we laid on the couch watching a movie. How I buried my face in your arms when I got so scared during a scene on TV. To give me little kisses in my neck when I was cooking, just to thank me for doing it, even if it was a joke.
Last week it all fell into place. It never occurred to you that this was more than friendship, more than soul mates. This was love and it freaked you out. You had never been so scared. It hurt you so much not to hold me like that again. When I packed my bags, even though I didn’t have to go, you got it, you lost me. When I said I wanted to talk, you knew it was over. I must have freaked out as well, I was going to take a step back. You knew for sure. If I was going away, then it had no point for you anymore. Without me you didn’t want to live. Without me there was no life. And so you decided to end it, before I could rip your heart into pieces.

After reading this I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stay in our house, I couldn’t open our closet anymore to find our clothes all mixed together. I couldn’t deal with you still being so close and not to be able to talk to you, to hold you.
I packed my bags again and went away. I was gone for weeks, but then couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to go back. I had to deal with our apartment, with a life that didn’t matter to me anymore. I had to deal with sleepless nights, because I forgot how to sleep alone.

It has been years now and I’m still walking in the same park. The park that holds so many memories. A lot of people don’t understand how I can still be here. But I still search the places I can be near you. I’ve never let you go, I can’t. I search for our tree and sit down, like we have sat here so many times. I still see how you graved our initials in this tree when we came to bury our time capsule. That time capsule held so many future plans, I guess they never predicted this.

Life for me is still living in a dream. A different kind of dream now. It’s a dream in which everyone and everything proceeds, but I keep standing still.
This weekend was the opening of a gallery, it’s called ‘This was truly love’. For the first time our pictures were displayed, they’re the best pictures of the whole expo. A lot of critics have been very enthusiastic. There has never been such good comments about a series of pictures.
I got the pictures years ago. They are up on the walls of our home. I light up every time I see you look at me with so much love in your eyes. When I look at them I can feel again. I feel happiness, I feel love, I feel grief, I feel pain, but I feel. A lot people say I should remove them, I should go on with my life. But I won’t. I don’t want to let you go. I’ll never let go.

Post Thu May 14, 2009 2:22 pm 
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cloudnine



Joined: 06 Mar 2009
Posts: 27
Location: USA


awww, such a nice, but sad story ='/
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life is what it is...

Post Fri May 15, 2009 4:22 am 
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MysteryGirl
Moderators


Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Mara, that was an equisitely evoked story, it made me cry. I understand perfectly, you see i have those photos and those memories too.

When I look at them I can feel again. I feel happiness, I feel love, I feel grief, I feel pain, but I feel. A lot people say I should remove them, I should go on with my life. But I won’t. I don’t want to let you go. I’ll never let go.




HugZ, Noni
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Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Fri May 15, 2009 8:26 am 
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angelsheart



Joined: 19 Nov 2006
Posts: 496
Location: Nis/ Serbia


Crying or Very sad

this can´t be true??? Crying or Very sad

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There used to be a grayin' tower all alone on the sea... You became the light on the dark side of me...

Post Fri May 15, 2009 12:44 pm 
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