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The Emergence of Me

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LostHeart



Joined: 16 Aug 2006
Posts: 44
Location: Louisiana
The Emergence of Me

I sit here, all alone in the dark, except the light coming from my computer screen. My mind is racing. I realize that I'm at a turning point in my life. In more ways than one. As I look around my room, I see my life in utter disarray. Half-packed boxes here & there. I check my Outlook yet again..."No New Messages". SIGH In my bare feet, I pad through the living room, dodging more packed & half-packed boxes & head to the refrigerator. I take out a fresh pack of smokes & a can of Dr. Pepper. I pour the fizzy concoction into a blue tinted plastic cup, unwrap the smokes & slide open the sliding door to head into the backyard. It's around midnight, I think. I walk over to the swing & sit down on the dirty, weather beaten cushions. I sit my cup on the small green plastic table sitting beside the swing, after I take a sip. I pull a cigarette out of the box...it's still cold from being stored in the refrigerator (something my roommate always does though they never last long enough to go stale?). As I light the cigarrete, my eyes follow the smoky swirl rising from the tip, until I'm staring at the dark sky filled with twinkling stars. And I stare. My eyes began to sting so I blink. I lay down in the swing on my back so that all I see are the millions of tiny stars. Star light, star bright...first star I see tonight....SIGH. If only life were really that simple! My mind starts to recess from the pain that's plaguing me now back to...well, back to childhood, I suppose. To get clarification on where I am now...where I've been must be investigated.

Childhood. That sweet time of life where you see everything through rose-colored glasses & have no cares in the world. RIGHT! Surely, someone's must've been like that but not mine. However, I only remember my childhood in pieces, not solid tracks of time. I was always the little fat girl...the ugly little fat girl. If you'd just lose some weight, you'd be cute, Punkin as my grandmother used to say on an almost daily basis. How many 8-year olds do you know of on diets??? Ok, well, nowadays the number would be greater. But back then, back in the early 80s, it was unheard of. I tried diet after diet my entire life with never any success. Until I was about 25 & I finally accepted the fact that I'll always be fat. Going back again...to my friends. Ok, well, one true friend, since the age of 4. We lived 3 houses apart for the majority of our lives. We had our ups & downs. Periods of time that we didn't speak at all after some ignorant arguement. But she was & still is, my 1 true friend to this day. I've had many, many, many aquaintances. Some meant more than others, of course. Some I even still think about. When I was growing up & even as an adult, I always tended to have girls for friends. My mindset was that you couldn't have a guy for a friend. Guys were for something else! My friend, on the other hand, usually had guy friends & she was always wanting a boyfriend. I never could understand what that deep desire was for? It was almost like if she didn't have a boyfriend, she wasn't complete? I don't know. I never understood it. And she's gone on many roller coaster rides in her life because of it! I, on the other hand, didn't have very many boyfriends at all! After all, I was still the ugly little fat girl, right?

There was this kid at church who always followed me around everywhere! Ugly as hell! I ended up getting with him a couple of times in high school...just for the experience! Just to be able to say, Yeah, I went to the Homecoming dance...look at my beautiful corsage! SIGH

I was penpals with my friend's nephiew for years & years. We were boyfriend & girlfriend when it suited him. Countless trials & tribulations came with him. Drugs, alcohol, trouble with the law...he'll never amount to anything, even though he still holds a special place in my heart to this day!

I've had a few major crushes-never did anything about them though.

In high school, this college guy liked me. But, of course! He was as big as a bus!! Of course, he'd like the ugly little fat girl! UGH!! And, yes, he was my *FIRST*. I drew him in because I knew he'd come, if I promised him what he was after. Why did I do it? Because I was 18 & was still a virgin...and that was unheard of!! So I fixed that relatively easily. The *WORST* night of my life!

I fell for this guy HARD that I met through another friend & her husband. But he was a player. He had a different girl every night. And he was always drunk. Always. But he taught me the pleasures of touch, on the hood of my car, under the trees, in his driveway.

There was this guy that I worked with at a grocery store. Had been flirting with me for weeks. A mutual friend had a small party one night & invited him without my knowledge. Once everyone crashed on the floor, he was wide awake & I was plastered. He had me right there on the living room floor, amongst all the sleeping bodies, including 2 girls that were partners. Which, I found out later, that 1 of them was *NOT* asleep! She teased me endlessly. And that banter between he & I lasted for a few more days until his wife showed up at my job, threatening to kill me.

Then there were 2 other married truck drivers that I played with on my graveyard shift at the security guard gate. Then there was the 18-year old brother of a guy I'd been flirting with. I have something about the hood of my car, I think? heh We got together out in 1 of the oil fields, yes, on the hood of my car! And then I left Arkansas & moved to Florida.

So shortly after I moved to Florida, I was still determined to find a MAN so I went on an internet dating site. Set up a date with this 1 guy. He came to pick me up in a Jeep Wrangler (horrible ride, I must say!). He was a big guy & was bald. Kept trying to grope me during the movie. And then there was the last one. Another 1 from the internet site. This lasted for a few weeks. We'd meet at fancy hotels, hotels on the beach, his house, etc. He always had his 3-year old son with him though & swore that he & the wife were separated. However, when it came down to the night that I went to his house for the inevitable, 1st he wanted to tape us. Uh, NO! Then he insisted on leaving the light on. UGH!! But when he put his finger in my ass & I peeled myself off of the ceiling, I was done. That was the point that I swore off men. Forever. I don't need them.

This was also the beginning of when I started becoming a virtual hermit. I quit going out. I quit seeing co-workers socially. And my whole life centered around playing games on the internet. I've met some beautiful souls on the net...my roommate is one of them! We've been living together since August of 2000. Many have questioned the relationship over the years. But, she's honestly, just like another Mother. But because of our closeness, the question has risen on many occassions...are we lovers? No. Absolutely not. I'm not gay!! I've been with men. Didn't like it but I've been with them. I just think there's something wrong with me that I don't enjoy sex. But I'm not gay....

I lit another cigarette now & shivered slightly in the night air. This is where I am now. My brain is screaming I'm not GAY!!!!!! I'm not. I swear. I've never had those thoughts about women. I've never visualized...never. So I'm not gay, right? Well, over the course of the last few weeks...now I'm wondering. I've had the privilege of working in a company that sells adult entertainment toys, videos, leather alternative clothing, ect. They have teased me from day one because I get all embarrassed about the things that they sell. There was 1 girl though that I was drawn to. I can't explain it really. We've gotten closer over the last few weeks & talk on a regular basis. My 1 thought about her was that she's the first person that I've met in Florida over the last 8 years that I'd truly consider a friend. I'm getting ready to move back home. Not exactly...moving to Louisiana but it's only an hour or so from where I grew up. So it's home. It's where my lifelong friend is. And as my last day at work comes, it hits me!

I'm in love with her!! Ok, well, maybe that's a little strong? I'm infatuated with her. I'm in awe of her. I admire her. I find myself waiting & waiting for messages from her. I find myself wanting to call her just to hear her voice.

We had a farewell dinner the other night with a couple of other friends in tow. The whole night, I kept wishing it had just been her & I. When she hugged me goodbye, I didn't want to let her go. She has a performance (female dominance) scheduled for tomorrow night. She's asked me to come see it. Even though there will be no one there that I know & we won't be able to just sit & chat afterwards because she'll have to mingle, I'm still leaning towards going & then leaving right after...just to see her. Just to see what she does. Just to see her in her true element! Just once. She wants us to get together & do something solo, too, before I go.

This is where my battles begin. I know my track record when it comes to sex. I know what I do immediately after. I don't want this thing...this feeling...this whatever it is that I feel towards her to end like that. So do I just go with the flow & see what happens & then tell her goodbye...forever? Or should I be open with her & hope for the best? Hope that her reaction doesn't end the relationship prematurely? My fear is that if I tell her, it'll be over then. It'll be too awkward between us to continue to be what it has been.

I don't expect to find her on my doorstep one day in the future. I can't stay here just to be near her. I don't think I'll pursue the lifestyle in the future. I think I'll probably just grow old alone, with my cats for company & think back on the time in my life when I was blessed to be near what I always wanted to be. And that she forever touched my heart like no other had or would again. I think that's the best thing...to just ride out my last days here with our relationship the way it has been, to not jeopardize that & treasure the moments that I've had with her. Forever. My body is now demanding sleep. Sleep...that elusive creature that does no good except to let my mind replay the beautiful moments....

Post Fri Aug 18, 2006 4:36 am 
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Allison



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Posts: 4216
Location: Florida


Wow! So much emotion and heartbreak in such a short story. ((((((((Lost))))))))) I hope you will find your way to happiness soon in your life.

Alli
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Alli

Post Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:36 am 
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LostHeart



Joined: 16 Aug 2006
Posts: 44
Location: Louisiana


Thanks so much, Alli! Alas...it has not been an easy few months & I have lost her...only the thoughts remain... Exclamation
_________________
~*~When speaking of lost love, time may heal all wounds but there will always be scars~*~
---------------------------
~Lost~

Post Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:47 am 
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Allison



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Posts: 4216
Location: Florida


Chin up then and have faith that your feet will lead you down the path that has been chosen for you Wink

Alli
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Alli

Post Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:53 am 
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LostHeart



Joined: 16 Aug 2006
Posts: 44
Location: Louisiana


Confused I am working on trying to just move forward. It's hard but it's the only thing I can do. And I write to work myself through it. Just haven't been writing as much lately...

Thanks again! Wink
_________________
~*~When speaking of lost love, time may heal all wounds but there will always be scars~*~
---------------------------
~Lost~

Post Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:57 am 
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Allison



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Posts: 4216
Location: Florida


Pick up that pen or keyboard and write Lady. It is good for what ails ya! Wink

Alli
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Alli

Post Sun Nov 05, 2006 2:13 pm 
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