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mishsana



Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 28
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Last edited by mishsana on Mon Oct 30, 2006 5:42 am; edited 5 times in total

Post Sun Oct 22, 2006 10:57 am 
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mishsana



Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 28
story has been deleted

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Last edited by mishsana on Mon Oct 30, 2006 5:41 am; edited 2 times in total

Post Mon Oct 23, 2006 11:34 am 
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ghost



Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA


hey mish

interesting perspective. you can do some work on the language side, i think, but the plot can also be expanded a bit. the last part where you list the memorial messages is a little overdone, i would have just listed the poem the main character wrote.

this is my point of view, of course, but do keep writing and share some more of your work.

regards
ghost
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Post Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:56 pm 
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Mairi bheag



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland


Grabbed me from the beginning - just going back to read the rest Very Happy

Very Happy

Mb
xx

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all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.

Post Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:08 am 
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mishsana



Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 28


glad you liked it Mairi. thanks for the comment

Post Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:43 am 
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Mairi bheag



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland


Right... your natural style approaches " stream-of-consciousness ", which can be confusing, but on the other hand seems to be just right for writing from within the mind of a schizophrenic.

I love the switch from the narrative suddenly to the tributes and epitaphs at the end.

It does need tidying up a little, re-working, re-ordering, maybe even lengthening; and if you can do that without sacrificing the immediacy it has you will have a first-class piece of writing there.

Mb
xx

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all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.

Post Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:02 am 
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mishsana



Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 28


thanks again might have anthor look and see if i can approve it. any ideas

Post Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:57 am 
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Mairi bheag



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland


I don't have any specific ideas. Just keep looking at it, touching it here, touching it there, and keep on going until it is exactly the way you would want to read it yourself. Then ask someone to check fot spelling mistakes and outrageous grammar (not saying there are any, by the way).

Mb
xx

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all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.

Post Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:59 am 
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