I was over at my ex-landlord’s one Sunday, wandering over the property, and we started talking about his old dog Tip. She no longer roams with him as the arthritis and old age have caught up with her. She can only let out a feeble bark to notify him of visitors from her vantage point on the back porch. He was expounding on a fellow friend’s theory of “ IF THEY CAN’T GET UP THEN PUT THEM DOWN” all the while citing examples of people keeping pets who have lost control of bodily functions and other horrific tales. He was plainly constructing an irrefutable position to justify a decision he knew he would soon have to make and pushing ( subtly , but pushing none the less) me to commit to the contrary. He knows how I feel about my dog Dexter …………… I surprised both he and myself with my answer. I told him dogs were blessed. They have no concept of tomorrow. They presume nothing past a signal for the next meal. Keeping a dog alive in a state of continual pain is nothing but the act of a selfish heart afraid of the impending engulfing pain of loss. In a world where every action is judged in degrees of victory and defeat………. Where the greater the rewards, the greater the pleasure………. It must hold true that the smaller the rewards, the greater the pain. The greater the selflessness of the action , the greater the pain imposed.
I think it was raining………….I know I was crying….I was holding my mother’s hand as she slept. A morphine induced respite from the tale of nurses selling drugs to the school kids openly in the halls. I had heard it for the last 3 months every afternoon at the hospital.
I went in the afternoons. The bars opened at 11 and I could get 3 or 4 (or 5 for that matter ) drinks down before I had to see her like that………….Her hand was trembling…it would contract and convulse with the pain spasms
I said it softly. More to myself than to be heard……” Why? Why for God’s sake won’t you let go ? Please! Please ! “………..2 days later she died
For 15 years, until that Sunday , I had carried a guilt. My mother had heard me ask her to go and die and she had done what I had asked. I had it wrong. My guilt was to sit there selfishly for 3 months watching her pain until I finally did what she had been asking me to do all the time. I gave her permission to die and end 40 years of devotion to me………..Probably the only selfless act in my life……….No wonder I couldn’t recognize it
Just needed to tell someone………I’m going to bed.
Thu Jul 06, 2006 9:04 am
Jules
Joined: 22 Feb 2005
Posts: 904
Location: Home
John,
I have seen this so many times. A person will hang on until they are given "permission" to go. I believe it puts a mother's (or other family member's) guilt of leaving her child to rest and finally, allows the body to die. It's a GOOD thing that you did this, remember that. So often I have seen children begging for their parents to be "saved" long after they have given up the fight. It is a sad and painful existance, but one that they will often endure because their children cannot simply just let them go.
You are right, it is a truly selfless act, one that you should live in peace with. I am glad that you were there with your mother, so often I have seen the old and the sick, wither away and die with no one but me by their side, giving "permission" that was not mine to give.
Peace be with you,
Jules _________________ Never again
Thu Jul 06, 2006 5:10 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
John.... I echo Jules sentiments. Throughout my teen years, I was also referred to as "ice woman" by various folks because of my belief that we are born, we live and then we die. Short and sweet. I had no idea as a teen just how important, how precious this living is and I'm not looking forward to moving to the next phase of what I am able to fathom of this living which is dying. BUT, as an adult i have watched my elders (and now myself and Phyllis) slowly age. My grandmother was the first of the family, to ask me to be there with her, to hold her, to help her leave. I was shaken to the core that sunny weekend, but quickly agreed and I was there, held her, spoke in the silence she shared with me. And yes.... gave her permission to leave, assured her we would be well, thanked her for her love and guidance and soft hand throughout the years.... And yes, she left us about 18 hours later. Then my grandfather, followed by my father asked the same of me. I'm rambling. But what you have said here, is true. As a nurse, one of my jobs is to help families to realize what you have simply stated... its not easy to let go, but it is what those who must leave us, need... a gentle good bye, some assurance that their visit in our lives has been recognized and cherished. Keep writing.
Thu Jul 06, 2006 5:32 pm
texdyer
Joined: 01 Jul 2006
Posts: 23
Location: Sooke
To both Jules and Cavewoman, ( nad ghost)
While I have pm'ed both of you to express my gratitude for your obversations on my story and truly significant input , I would like to acknowledge ghost as the moderator who helped me to ( FINALLY ) publically proclaim that help and input and ...........reassurance!
ghost keeps me on the straight and narrow..( within the website)...
cave imparts exceedingly great wisdom towards my fledgling attempts and jules exhibits the sensitivity I sought when coming here
tex humbly thanks each of you _________________ INVICTUS...WILLIAM E. HENLEY
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