Do you ever feel completely alone even when you are surrounded by people? I feel as if I have no one to turn to especially since I've accepted being gay. I came out to my mom last year, but I told her I was bi. I was lying to her and to myself because I wanted to be at least semi-normal. I've finally accepted being a lesbian, but my mom can't even accept me when she thinks I'm bi. I know the rest of my family hates me because my cousin is openly bi and even when she dates a man, everyone still makes horrible comments.
I am in high school so I can't turn to my friends because all of them are either too immature or completely closed minded to accept me for who I am. Most my friends belong to a very conservative religion. I have only come out to two friends (one who is a lesbian so that wasn't too hard), but the other is extremely dedicated to the Mormon religion (and she also moved a long time ago but I e-mailed and called her and still considered her my best friend until recently). She seemed okay with it, and I felt like I could turn to her for anything, but she recently freaked out on me. She sent me an e-mail saying that the love I'm feeling is created by the devil and I need to pray to save myself. I'm not putting her down for her beliefs, it's just hard to be friends with someone who thinks you are being influenced by Satan and turning your back on God.
I know that all the rest of my friends will reject me too, even the ones I've literally known all my life. If I can't turn to my mom, or the rest of my family, or my friends, what am I supposed to do? I would turn to my friend that is also a lesbian, but I don't have a great friendship with her because she is always too busy hanging out with her girlfriend.
I do talk to one person that I met online but she lives in another state. Comfort through the internet can only substitute real comfort for a short time. I can't even remember the last time I've been hugged or received a smile with true meaning or the last time I've had a conversation with someone that was more than small talk. I've realized I feel the same loneliness when I'm in my room alone as when I'm sitting with my family or when I'm hanging out with my so-called friends.
I did not intend for this message to be this long; I'm just frustrated because even when I have a simple problem that doesn't even relate to being a lesbian, I don't feel close enough to anyone to talk to them. I was just wondering if anyone else has felt this way before.
I also wanted to say that if you have read my story My One and Only Love on this website, that was not completely a true story. I gave a friend of mine my password so she could post stories too, which she has not done yet, but she did alter my story so that it said it was true thinking it would attract readers and even commented under my name confirming its reality. The love I have for the girl in the story is honest and the first part of the story is mainly true, but the second part of the story is completely fictional. I do not end up with my love, she still doesn't even know I'm gay. I'm sorry for any confusion.
Sat Apr 07, 2007 12:13 am
Footprint
Joined: 24 May 2006
Posts: 478
Location: @ home around the globe
HI InLove,
I just saw your post. I am sorry you received such a late reply to your message...
You sound very depressed and desperate. Unfortunately, many homosexuals find themselve sin a situation such as yours. However, I think your case is somewhat more difficult because you are so young... hence surrounded by too many individuals who have not been able to open and mature their minds yet... possibly they never will succeed to do so!
You were talking about your "friends" who you think would reject you for knowing of your sexuality... I ask you this: Do you REALY think you need such "Friends" in your life". As you correctly said, you can be alone even when you are surrounded by people....at the same time, please remember this, you may be better off and less alone emotionally when you are alone physically. You will be less alone after you have gotten rid of your narrow-minded, immature "friends"...
A big hug from Germany,
Footsie _________________ “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fri Sep 07, 2007 4:24 pm
desperatelyinlove
Joined: 15 Sep 2006
Posts: 18
First of all, thank you for responding to my message. I often find myself thinking 'would I be better off without the friends that I currently have', but then I tend to think 'no I wouldn't'. It's just so difficult to lose around 15 friends that I've known since middle school and some I met before elementary school (I am currently in college).
The main problem is that since I live in a very religious area, it would be really hard to make new friends. I would say about 90% of the population consists of people who would not be friends with me, so you can see the difficulty in finding out who to trust.
I will eventually come out to my friends, but I don't think I'm in any state to lose that many friends all at once right now. I have been severly depressed before and even attempted suicide, but luckily failed, and I'm afraid that if I added something tramatic, like losing a lot of important people in my life, I would fall back into old habits and I just don't trust myself.
Sorry my messages always seem to be so long. Well thank you again for helping. It makes me feel better that someone would take time out of their day to offer some advice.
Desperatelyinlove
Sat Sep 08, 2007 4:36 am
sillywolf
Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Posts: 311
Location: The last frontier
Sweetie, remember there will always be someone out there who cares about you! When I came out one of my 'friends' told me I had a curse and had to pray to god to be better. She and I haven't spoken for many years now, but I think I will always remember what she had to say to me. Some friend. All I can really suguest to you is try and find someone who doesn't judge you by a label and who actually cares about you. I found that I had a true friend in high school because when I came out she supported me all the way. We are still very close friends and hang out all the time.
(((((((Desperatelyinlove))))))))
*smiles*
Silly _________________ Smile. It makes people wonder.
Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:04 am
desperatelyinlove
Joined: 15 Sep 2006
Posts: 18
I have been trying to find friends that will not judge me, but for some reason I always attract the most religious ones that basically condem me to Hell. I guess I attract them because I have similar values, such as I don't drink or smoke, I don't swear a lot, and I'm still a virgin at the age of 19. Anyways, thank you so much for your thoughts; they make me more hopeful that things will be okay when I decide to actually come out to everyone.
Thanks again
Desperatelyinlove
Tue Oct 09, 2007 12:13 am
sillywolf
Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Posts: 311
Location: The last frontier
*stumbles back into general story again*
There is hope out there, that is the big thing to remember. *smiles* As for you saying that you dont drink or smoke or swear a lot, and still are a virgin at 19, I say good job. Be proud of what you are. Don't let others tell you what to think about yourself. I know i have gone to hell and back again with what has happened in my life, but people keep trying to send me there. I gave up on wondering what everyone thought about me and have turned a corner with my sexuaity and everyone behind me has hit the wall. Please remember that ladies here at mels are here for you, and although it is online, we try to help the best we can.
good luck to ya again
Silly _________________ Smile. It makes people wonder.
Tue Jan 22, 2008 4:00 am
sophie_harley
Joined: 17 Oct 2004
Posts: 98
Location: Wokingham
Ok, I havent been on mels web in like....god....like forever. I'm lucky enough to have been surported by the majority of my friends and family. My mum is still coming round and I came out to her like 5 years ago. Some people will never understand but will learn to accept who you are because they love you, others will accept you straight away. Those that turn their backs on you should be kicked to the curb if they can't accept you for the beautiful person you are. Give them time though to come around before you give up on them. _________________ I'm kinda like marmite; you either love me or you hate me.
Sat Feb 23, 2008 5:53 pm
desperatelyinlove
Joined: 15 Sep 2006
Posts: 18
Thanks sophie_harley for responding. I'm glad that you've had so much support when you came out. I just hope that when I do fully come out that I'll be as lucky as you.
I would just like to say thanks again to all those who have responded to my message. You have no idea how helpful all of this is to me.
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