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Excerpt from my novel. Please be kind. Untitled. [F]

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Jack



Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 4
Location: Washington and Oklahoma
Excerpt from my novel. Please be kind. Untitled. [F]

Realwoman and Ghost asked me to post an excerpt of a novel I am writing. Please, understand this is a rough draft and needs a great deal of tweaking. A little back story: Maddie Valentine is a free runner in Seattle, free runners are professional thieves that do work for mega corporations. Maddie gets into a pinch and is on the run from a fascist underground group bent on returning the US to a 'real' America. This is an excerpt from chapter 8. I discuss her lover 'Frankenberry' in earlier chapters but I do not discuss the fact it is a woman. I don't want to make it an issue early in the book because, frankly, her sexuality should be a non issue to begin with.
In this scene she is in a restaurant bar in Hidalogo, Texas and is deliberating whether or not to join an international military force that protects Earth colonists on other planets.
I want the seen to be seductive and express her sexuality without being offensive to the Lesbian community. Please, read and comment.



"The waitress nodded, sat her menu on the table, then repeated her order and walked away. Maddie glanced over the menu, decided on the carne asada, rice, and mixed vegetables. Around the crowded restaurant, couples sat sipping afternoon wine listening to a woman onstage croon a lilting Spanish ballad. A young woman with long raven hair pulled into a braid with a spit curl running down her cheek glanced over her wine glass at Amanda and smiled coyly then returned to talking with her male companion. Maddie watched the curvaceous woman her long hands making circles in the air as she recounted a story. The young woman was nothing like Frankenberry. Frankie was rail thin like Maddie, her hair cropped short; the natural blonde dyed an outrageous pink, a Ghost rider’s look. It wasn’t an unattractive look, no, she and Frankie dealt with their share of flirtations from both women and men , but Frankie was not here, and she would likely never see her lover again. She felt a little shame as her eyes drifted over the woman’s form. This young woman was like a sculpted work of art, full hips, her stomach curving slightly outward, a round chest, appealing but not vulgar, her facile angelic, piercing gray eyes peeking out from behind long lashes, as aesthetically appealing as she was sexually raw.
The waitress sat a tall wine glass in front of Maddie breaking the spell the woman’s allure had cast over her. Maddie sheepishly smiled at the woman then glanced over the menu once more, even though she already knew what she wanted. “I’ll have the carne de asada, rice, vegetable mix, and a slice of sapodilla.”
The waitress nodded, took her menu, and walked away. Maddie returned to gazing at the young woman as soon as the waitress was out of sight. The young woman glanced at Maddie a second time; she smiled again and brushed her hand through her hair. There was little doubt the attraction was mutual. For a moment, she thought about ordering the woman a drink, but, the brawny lout in the khaki cargo pants sitting next to her looked like he was territorially whether the regardless of the would be suitor’s gender.
The waitress returned a few minutes later with a sizzling plate of beef, tortillas, and the mix. She sat platter on the table, picked up Maddie’s wine glass, and walked away. All the while Maddie continued to spy the blonde tracing the line of her tan calf up her leg to her full voluptuous thigh, the woman’s skirt fell just below her buttocks. It took a moment for the smell of the freshly grilled steak to overtake her senses and draw her attention away from the woman.
Maddie picked up a tortilla and scooped some rice and meat on to it. She spread the food on quick and took a quick scarfing, bite. She felt her saliva glands rush and she closed her eyes with the near orgasmic taste of the fresh feast. It was the sort of meal she could not afford running in the Fringe, but here, it was no more than a couple of Ameros. She chewed the tender steak and glanced at the blonde to see if she was watching. Amanda felt a butterfly in her stomach when her eyes connected yet again with the woman.
If they were in the Fringe she would send a drink to the table, damn the bull next to her. In the Fringe, she knew the players, she knew the score, and more importanly most of the Scugs and penthouse fellas knew better than to cross a free runner, particularly one with as viscous a rep as Maddie. But out here it might get her in a scrap and the need to keep a low profile preclude ego.
Maddie bit her lower lip then smiled at the woman taking another bite of the tortilla then looking away. She wanted sex, and she wanted from her, she wanted the raven haired woman sprawled out on the fresh cotton sheets of some sultry hotel room, a shaded room, thin slits of light coming through the slatted shudders, a lazy ceiling fan turning overhead. Her hand tracing its way up the woman’s smooth tan leg as she gently kissed her full garnet lips.
A deep voice interrupted Maddie’s interlude. “Mind if I sit down?”
[c] 2007 Jack Tatum

Post Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:36 pm 
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Jack



Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 4
Location: Washington and Oklahoma


Here is a version with some of the adverbs edited out, still a rough draft, but I am a long way from a finished product. However, after I read over that first draft I had to yank out as many as 'ly's' as possible. My fellow writers no the evil of those vicious little bastards!

The waitress nodded, sat her menu on the table, then repeated her order and walked away. Maddie glanced over the menu, decided on the carne asada, rice, and mixed vegetables. Around the crowded restaurant, couples sat sipping afternoon wine listening to a woman onstage croon a lilting Spanish ballad. A young woman with long raven hair pulled into a braid with a spit curl running down her cheek glanced over her wine glass at Amanda, flashed a coy smile, then returned to talking with her male companion. Maddie watched the curvaceous woman her long hands making circles in the air as she recounted a story. The young woman was nothing like Frankenberry. Frankie was rail thin like Maddie, her hair cropped short, a natural blonde she dyed her hair an outrageous pink, a Ghost rider’s look. It wasn’t an unattractive look, no, she and Frankie dealt with their share of flirtations from both women ---and men, but Frankie was not here, and she would likely never see her lover again. She felt a little shame as her eyes drifted over the woman’s form. This young woman was like a sculpted work of art, full hips, her stomach curving slightly outward, a round chest, appealing but not vulgar, her face angelic, piercing gray eyes peeking out from behind long lashes, her aesthetic beauty matched only by her raw sexuality.
The waitress sat a tall wine glass in front of Maddie. The intrusion breaking the spell the woman’s allure had cast over her. “What’ll you have?”
“I’ll have the carne de asada, rice, vegetable mix, and a slice of sapodilla.”
The waitress nodded, took her menu, and walked away. Maddie returned to gazing at the young woman as soon as the waitress was out of sight. The young woman glanced at Maddie a second time; she smiled again and brushed her hand through her hair. There was little doubt the attraction was mutual. For a moment, she thought about ordering the woman a drink, but, the brawny lout in the khaki cargo pants sitting next to her looked like he was territorial wheher the regardless of the would be suitor’s gender.
The waitress returned a few minutes later with a sizzling plate of beef, tortillas, and the mix. She sat platter on the table, picked up Maddie’s wine glass, and walked away. All the while Maddie continued to spy the woman tracing the line of her tan calf up her leg to her full voluptuous thigh, the woman’s skirt fell just below her buttocks. It took a moment for the smell of the freshly grilled steak to overtake her senses and draw her attention away from the woman.
Maddie picked up a tortilla, scooped some rice and meat on to it, spread the food on quick, and took a quick scarfing, bite. She felt her saliva glands rush. She closed her eyes with the near orgasmic taste of the fresh feast. It was the sort of meal she could not afford running in the Fringe, but here, it was no more than a couple of Ameros. She chewed the tender steak and glanced at the blonde to see if she was watching. Amanda felt a butterfly in her stomach when her eyes connected yet again with the woman.
If they were in the Fringe she would send a drink to the table, damn the bull next to her. In the Fringe, she knew the players, she knew the score, and more importanly most of the Scugs and penthouse fellas knew better than to cross a free runner, particularly one with as viscous a rep as Maddie. But out here it might get her in a scrap and the need to keep a low profile preclude ego.
Maddie bit her lower lip then smiled at the woman taking another bite of the tortilla then looking away. She wanted sex, and she wanted from her, she wanted the raven haired woman sprawled out on the fresh cotton sheets of some sultry hotel room, a shaded room, thin slits of light coming through the slatted shudders, a lazy ceiling fan turning overhead. Her hand tracing its way up the woman’s smooth tan leg as she gently kissed her full garnet lips.
A deep voice interrupted Maddie’s interlude. “Mind if I sit down?”
Maddie looked up from her plate. It was the young man she had passed in the center of the piazza. The young man stood arrow straight shouldering a nylon backpack by one strap. He smiled wide in an obvious attempt to show Maddie his bright white teeth.
[c]2007 Jack Tatum[/b]

Post Fri Jan 19, 2007 4:01 am 
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Allison



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Posts: 4218
Location: Florida


Maddie or Amanda? Is the beautiful woman raven haired or blonde. A little confusing, but a good start.

Alli
_________________
Alli

Post Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:25 am 
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wingdm



Joined: 02 May 2007
Posts: 1


Hello
I would like to first say that this is a wonderful and creative plot to go with. I think it is a good idea to create such a strong character. I love strong characters, even if her hair is sometimes pink . Like you said this is a draft and I was wondering about the carne asada making a sensual dish. Just wondering cause I’m Hispanic and I don’t know if I would find that erotic; to me its more of a nourishment thing. Would this be your introduction into the novel? Is this your first novel? Just wondering. I’ve rambled, haven’t I?

Mr. Green

Post Fri May 11, 2007 3:42 pm 
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cupcakes



Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 324
Location: NY


I like it Smile

"...wheher the regardless of the would be suitor’s gender"

This sentence was a bit awkward for me. You might consider changing something so it doesn't interrupt the flow of the read...just a suggestion. I understand it's a draft, etc etc.


I don't think you need to worry about being offensive to the lesbian community...there's a lot of raunchier, stranger stuff out there Smile

Your story sounds interesting. I'd like to hear more about the plot...like..Earth's colonists on other planets?

cheers~ Cuppy

Post Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:43 pm 
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