A certain kind of violence in the home
leaves victims with no bruises or black eyes
It will not make you bleed or break your bones
It's subtlety escapes all but the wise
It treats you like you have no right to feel
It treats you like you should be made of stone
It wields no stick and yet it makes you reel
It has no blade yet cuts down to the bone
With just a word they break your even stride
Ridicule you and leave you feeling small
They'll rob you of your dignity and pride
And laughing then they'll watch you take the fall
This kind of violence also aims to kill
to make the independent spirit still
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Tue Oct 24, 2006 2:47 am
Sunny
Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
(((((((Pale))))))),
It's so wonderful to see you writing sonnets! You obviously took the feedback you received from Eire and Mairi in the Form and Technique forum and made a few adjustments to your style. You're a quick study! This is a beautiful, though sad, piece. The message is so true! I wish more people understood the point you make here.
From a technical perspective, I think perhaps you are pronouncing "violence" as I do, with 2 syllables, when I believe you'll find it has 3, thus adding an 11th syllable to the lines in which you use it (it works for me though ). I noticed a couple bumps in the meter, but despite both of these issues, I still absolutely loved this write and hope that you'll continue to work with this form. I'm delighted to see you writing sonnnets and look forward to many more Pale Sonnets .
BTW, there's a thread that evolved a few months ago as I was attempting to grasp iambic pentameter. It was incredibly helpful. (http://www.melswebs.com/poetryboards/viewtopic.php?t=8262&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0) . Sonnets don't flow from my mind as easily as I'd like, and I still struggle with the meter, but I love writing them, thanks to several wonderful women here. This is definitely the right place to come if you want to learn how to write sonnets
I hope this is a comment on the content not the poem's form! lol...don't worry it's not based on a current experience...I don't know where it came from actually...it was just in my head.
smiles at eire
i'm ok really...
Tue Oct 24, 2006 7:19 pm
desert-fish
Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted
quote:Originally posted by seansun:
(((((((Pale))))))),
It's so wonderful to see you writing sonnets! You obviously took the feedback you received from Eire and Mairi in the Form and Technique forum and made a few adjustments to your style. You're a quick study! This is a beautiful, though sad, piece. The message is so true! I wish more people understood the point you make here.
From a technical perspective, I think perhaps you are pronouncing "violence" as I do, with 2 syllables, when I believe you'll find it has 3, thus adding an 11th syllable to the lines in which you use it (it works for me though ). I noticed a couple bumps in the meter, but despite both of these issues, I still absolutely loved this write and hope that you'll continue to work with this form. I'm delighted to see you writing sonnnets and look forward to many more Pale Sonnets .
BTW, there's a thread that evolved a few months ago as I was attempting to grasp iambic pentameter. It was incredibly helpful. (http://www.melswebs.com/poetryboards/viewtopic.php?t=8262&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0) . Sonnets don't flow from my mind as easily as I'd like, and I still struggle with the meter, but I love writing them, thanks to several wonderful women here. This is definitely the right place to come if you want to learn how to write sonnets
Keep those sonnets coming Sending you many hugs
Sunny
thanx for the encouragement...had a look at the thread...apart from being instructive, it's hilarious...all that jello
Thu Oct 26, 2006 6:35 pm
Sunny
Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
quote:Originally posted by seansun:
Sunny tosses Pale into the Jello pit and then sprays her with whipped cream
Looks at sunny...have we initiated her in the NCC yet...I know we twisted her arm and forced her to join...but she still needs initiated.
smears jello in pales hair
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Fri Oct 27, 2006 3:05 am
desert-fish
Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted
quote:Originally posted by seansun:
Sunny tosses Pale into the Jello pit and then sprays her with whipped cream
fleetingly has a truly wicked thought concerning seansun and whipped cream...and then drowns in the jello pit
Fri Oct 27, 2006 7:28 pm
Sunny
Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
quote:Originally posted by pale mirage:
quote:Originally posted by seansun:
Sunny tosses Pale into the Jello pit and then sprays her with whipped cream
fleetingly has a truly wicked thought concerning seansun and whipped cream...and then drowns in the jello pit
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). I noticed a couple bumps in the meter, but despite both of these issues, I still absolutely loved this write and hope that you'll continue to work with this form. I'm delighted to see you writing sonnnets and look forward to many more Pale Sonnets 
