It is just a little something I have been playing with...
It is not finished and I have not messed with it for a few day but here is what I have.
A Gypsy sits, her eyes wide
This night her magic is plied
Gazing into the depths of a crystal ball
A minstrel plays in the center of the hall
Jade green eyes pierce the veil within
Peering inside what does she see, when
An hour, a day or a year from now
It all comes to her, she knows not how
It is the future you want to know
For that is what she will show
Her eyes raise and pierce your soul
From her, nothing you can withhold _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Wed Sep 06, 2006 6:14 am
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
Hey, neat!
I'm going to suggest a couple of tweaks...
1. punctuate verse two, so that the present participle "gazing" can't possibly refer to the minstrel in the second line. (The first line of that verse should, I think, be joined gramatically to the first verse, and the second line should be a sentence in its own right).
2. The line "
From her, nothing you can withhold
" - I am always a little uneasy about inverting things and getting away from the natural flow of speech (in normal speech we would say "You can withhold nothing from her"). Ok as it stands, it works, but it seems a trifle unattractive. How can our Eire ever be unattractive ?
Eire, this is good stuff for a first draft.
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
Wed Sep 06, 2006 7:32 am
desert-fish
Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted
quote:Originally posted by Eiregirl:
make that three
quote:Originally posted by Mairi bheag:
Hey, neat!
I'm going to suggest a couple of tweaks...
1. punctuate verse two, so that the present participle "gazing" can't possibly refer to the minstrel in the second line. (The first line of that verse should, I think, be joined gramatically to the first verse, and the second line should be a sentence in its own right).
2. The line "
From her, nothing you can withhold
" - I am always a little uneasy about inverting things and getting away from the natural flow of speech (in normal speech we would say "You can withhold nothing from her"). Ok as it stands, it works, but it seems a trifle unattractive. How can our Eire ever be unattractive ?
Eire, this is good stuff for a first draft.
Mb
xx
Hugs Mairi...thank you!!
Kisses Mairi
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
quote:Originally posted by Eiregirl:
make that three
really? where's yours???
Smiles at pale...points back up the line about four posts
tickles pale
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:57 am
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
No charge
*
enjoying the attention
*
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
_________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Thu Sep 07, 2006 5:00 am
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
Thu Sep 07, 2006 5:07 am
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
Mar,
I love this imagery! Gosh darn, you still got it and never lost it
Are you going to get sick of me telling you that you are such an incredible writer? I hope not.
Dance~
Thu Sep 07, 2006 6:21 pm
desert-fish
Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted
quote:Originally posted by Eiregirl:
quote:Originally posted by pale mirage:
quote:Originally posted by Eiregirl:
make that three
really? where's yours???
Smiles at pale...points back up the line about four posts
tickles pale
Eiregirl
Finds it...is tickled pink...giggles hysterically
so why is everybody in sync, i wonder???
think MB is right about that last line
Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:10 pm
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
quote:Originally posted by DanceofSorrows:
Mar,
I love this imagery! Gosh darn, you still got it and never lost it
Are you going to get sick of me telling you that you are such an incredible writer? I hope not.
Dance~
Hey Dance. We'll I have a bad case of the block right now - this was one of the last things I wrote. But no, I'm not sick of that! Thanks
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:26 pm
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
quote:Originally posted by pale mirage:
Finds it...is tickled pink...giggles hysterically
so why is everybody in sync, i wonder???
think MB is right about that last line
I think I am too, but that's just my own opinion _________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:27 pm
JackieCrimson
Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 140
Location: Great Britain
Oh now you have really loosened up on this one! Very good indeed.
JackieCrimson
_________________ Crimson by name - Crimson by nature
Mon Oct 23, 2006 8:59 am
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
Yep, I enjoyed writing this one.
Mb
xx
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