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Dragon Hunter
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
Dragon Hunter

Well, I posted this one to the Emotional Poems forum, but would welcome some critiqueing (is that a word?). It came to me while doing some reading on mythology, so not to worry about inflicting pain with your comments Wink .

As always any feedback is greatly appreciated Very Happy


Dragon Hunter

Dragon’s burning deep beneath the surface, alive with fire, but immune to flame.
Devouring hope and scorching dreams, while basking in joy of destruction and shame.
Dragon will surface for its regular feasts, immobilizing first with a lightning-like gaze,
Then with fierce venom and physical prowess, Dragon set its helpless victim ablaze.
It’s infrequent one sees this evil serpent within, hidden and invisible to so much of this world.
But Dragon’s protecting its precious treasures, intent and determined no truth be unfurled.

Few risk a battle with this fierce adversary. Dragon’s powers are great and instincts so keen.
When confronted by Dragon, they seek an escape, while their truths remain mysteries yet to be seen.
But struggling with fears and wishing to hide, a brave dragon hunter defied such retreat
Armed with mighty sword and arrow-filled quiver, driven to battle, no room for defeat.
Hunter plunged deep within Dragon’s cold, eerie cavern, intent upon slaying this merciless one.
Once surrounded by darkness, no sense of direction, Hunter soon wondered if her days had all run.

But her eyes did adjust, and more clearly she’d see a shadow of Dragon afar in the distance
Gold-gilded wings, scales shone like mirrors; no doubt any longer of her nemesis’ existence.
As Hunter approached, ready for battle, Dragon glanced in awe, now so benevolent a creature.
She gazed at Dragon’s scales and spied her reflection, no longer a demon - a mysterious teacher.
Shown was the truth untainted by pain, beneath Hunter’s armor lay the soft heart she so feared.
Dragon rendered powerless, fire extinguished, with chase gone in Hunter, compassion appeared.

Drawn by the depths of the serpent’s dark secrets, abandoned were intentions of slaying this beast.
Dragon was subdued with love and with faith while Hunter’s hurt, blame and shame so gently released.
A metamorphosis bloomed - haunting demons turned to doves and lurking shadows became light.
Both grew acquainted with fears and with strengths and each found more love as day became night.
Worthier in battle than armor or sword proved Hunter’s brave heart, of this she’s now wise.
She tamed the beast, turned teacher and guide, and now on Dragon’s wings, she celebrates and flies.

© 2006 Sunny. All rights reserved.


Sunny Cool
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.


Last edited by Sunny on Tue Mar 13, 2007 4:11 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Mon Jul 17, 2006 6:56 pm 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


seansun...your wish for a critique is being fullfilled and in process.
I have to step out for a little while but will have it ready for you to read sometime tonight.

Eiregirl

Post Mon Jul 17, 2006 10:25 pm 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


As I tell everyone…
Disclaimer
For your information the following input by me is my own personal opinion and suggestions (after all that is what you wanted when you posted in this section of the forum).
My opinions/suggestions are offered as constructive criticism so take nothing I say personally since at times I may be blunt and to the point.
You may freely use anything or nothing that I suggest…that is up to you.
Different people see things differently and this is how I see it.


We will be going through the poem line by line and stanza by stanza. At the end I will give you my overall opinion and perhaps touch on a few things that I suggested changing that are perhaps borderline as to actually changing or not.

Dragon’s burning deep beneath the surface, alive with fire, but immune to flame.
Devouring hope and scorching dreams, while basking in joy of destruction and shame.
Dragon will surface for its regular feasts, immobilizing first with a lightning-like gaze,
Then with fierce venom and physical prowess, Dragon set its helpless victim ablaze.
It’s infrequent one sees this evil serpent within, hidden and invisible to so much of this world.
But Dragon’s protecting its precious treasures, intent and determined no truth be unfurled.

Stanza 1
Line 1 I found this to be a wonderful entry into your poem
Line 2 Follows on the heels of line one very well there is another possible last word that could be checked out “fame”.
Line 3 Is good but perhaps add “The” as the first word and perhaps consider revising the last half of the sentence. Maybe something like “immobilizing it’s prey with a p____ing gaze,” figure out that word and you may like it.
Line 4 I do not like the word “venom”. To me it does not fit. Think of what you said after that and what would fit with it. What could replace “venom” and fit with these words “physical prowess”? Determination or efficiency perhaps. Perhaps add “the” in front of “Dragon”
Line 5 Is good. There are other ways that line could be said but we will go with it and just add a comma to the end of it which smoothes the transition into “But” at the start of line 6
Line 6 Add “the” in front of Dragon.

Few risk a battle with this fierce adversary. Dragon’s powers are great and instincts so keen.
When confronted by Dragon, they seek an escape, while their truths remain mysteries yet to be seen.
But struggling with fears and wishing to hide, a brave dragon hunter defied such retreat
Armed with mighty sword and arrow-filled quiver, driven to battle, no room for defeat.
Hunter plunged deep within Dragon’s cold, eerie cavern, intent upon slaying this merciless one.
Once surrounded by darkness, no sense of direction, Hunter soon wondered if her days had all run.

Stanza 2
Line 1 Replace the period after “adversary” with a comma and add “the” in front of Dragon.
Line 2 This line is a bit confusing so lets un-confuse it.
“When confronted by the Dragon, an escape was sought, Dragon’s truths remain mysteries yet to be seen.”
Line 3 It is ok and needs no changes
Line 4 It is ok and needs no changes
Line 5 This line needs some changing. Why are we talking about a Dragons “cold” cavern? Read the first line of the poem.
Lets change this “Hunter plunged deep within Dragon’s cold, eerie cavern,” to…
This “The hunter plunged deep within Dragon’s eerie lair,” Lets also add a comma at the end of the line.
Line 6 Remove “once”

But her eyes did adjust, and more clearly she’d see a shadow of Dragon afar in the distance
Gold-gilded wings, scales shone like mirrors; no doubt any longer of her nemesis’ existence.
As Hunter approached, ready for battle, Dragon glanced in awe, now so benevolent a creature.
She gazed at Dragon’s scales and spied her reflection, no longer a demon - a mysterious teacher.
Shown was the truth untainted by pain, beneath Hunter’s armor lay the soft heart she so feared.
Dragon rendered powerless, fire extinguished, with chase gone in Hunter, compassion appeared.

Stanza 3
Line 1 Remove “But” and replace “she’d” with “she could” add a comma at the end of the line.
Line 2 “nemesis’ existence” is to much for many to handle…so lets make some changes. Try this…
“Her nemesis is seen with gold gilded wings, scales like mirrors, no longer any doubt of its existence.”

From here on I think what you have to say and the way you said it works fine for me. It fits and flows well. So in my opinion the last 10 lines do not need any changes.

Drawn by the depths of the serpent’s dark secrets, abandoned were intentions of slaying this beast.
Dragon was subdued with love and with faith while Hunter’s hurt, blame and shame so gently released.
A metamorphosis bloomed - haunting demons turned to doves and lurking shadows became light.
Both grew acquainted with fears and with strengths and each found more love as day became night.
Worthier in battle than armor or sword proved Hunter’s brave heart, of this she’s now wise.
She tamed the beast, turned teacher and guide, and now on Dragon’s wings, she celebrates and flies.


Sunny I like this poem…that might be because I love mythology and like dragons.
There is another option for this poem and that is making this into a short story and that could be done easily with what you have here because what you have here could easily be the outline of a book.

This is a poem that in my opinion you want to build as you go. Because it is a large poem filled with information and imagery. You don’t want to overpower it with to much imagery or to much information and I think you handled that well.

Throughout my critique and suggestions I kept suggesting that you may want to add “the” in front of Dragon and Hunter in places…It is not necessary that you do that. I can see how it can work just fine with or without “the” it is mainly a grammatical change as well as to soften the words Dragon and Hunter just a little. The poem will go just fine with or without that change. The start of a sentence is one place I would recommend keeping this change if you choose to do so.

Overall this is a nice poem and as I have said…I like it. Take a look at the suggested refinement and try them out and let us know what you think.

Post Tue Jul 18, 2006 3:39 am 
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


Eire,
Thank you! I so sincerely appreciate you taking the time to teach. I've given your comments some thought and will continue to allow them to marinate and evolve. As for a short story, well, I've just ventured into poetry - baby steps... Smile .
General thoughts; I had used Dragon and Hunter as proper nous, thinking I'd give them some sort of names. I too was doubting this decision but went for it any way. I've reverted to common nouns. I've underlined some minor (at least so I think) stylistic changes that seem self-esplanatory. I've integrated your other suggestions throughout.



Stanza 1

A dragon is burning deep beneath the surface, alive with a fire, but immune to the flame,
Devouring hope and scorching dreams, while basking in joy of destruction and fame.
The dragon will surface for its regular feasts, immobilizing first with a pulse-stopping gaze,
Then with well-rehearsed mastery and physical prowess, the dragon sets its helpless victim ablaze.
One rarely sees this evil serpent within, hidden and invisible to so much of this world,
But the dragon’s protecting its precious treasures, intent and determined no truth be unfurled.


Line 2 I agree, "fame" seems more fitting.
Line 3 I'm not sure about "pulse-stopping". I considered "paralyzing", but didn't like it following "immobilizing"
Line4 I see your point with venom - replaced it with "well rehearsed mastery" - mastery seems like a somewhat mystical word to me for some reason...
Line 5 Minor tweak for the sake of the flow.


Stanza 2
Few risk a battle with this fierce adversary, the dragon’s powers are great and instincts so keen.
The fearful run when confronted by the dragon, their abandonned truths remain mysteries yet to be seen.
But struggling with fears and wishing to hide, a brave dragon hunter boldly defied such retreat,
Armed with a mighty sword and an arrow-filled quiver, driven to battle, no room for defeat.
The hunter plunged deep within the dragon’s stark, eerie lair, intent upon slaying this merciless one,
Surrounded by darkness, no sense of direction, the hunter soon wondered if her days had all run.

Line 2 I hope this cleared up confusion while creating the image intended... I was reluctant to use "dragon" twice in the same line.
Line 5 You are absolutely right - I was thinking "cold" like "stark", but it doesn't fit in the context. I like liar much better as well.



Stanza 3
Her eyes did adjust, and more clearly she could see a shadow of the dragon afar in the distance,
Her nemesis adorned with gold-gilded wings and mirror-like scales, dispelling any doubts of its existence.
As the hunter approached, ready for battle, the dragon glanced in awe, now so benevolent a creature.
She gazed at the dragon’s scales and spied her reflection, no longer a demon - a mysterious teacher.
Shown was the truth untainted by pain, beneath the hunter’s armor lay the soft heart she so feared.
The dragon rendered powerless, its fire extinguished, with chase gone in the hunter, compassion appeared.

Line 2 OK, so "nemesis' " was pushing it a bit... I like the image of the "nemesis" but making it possessive was a bit much


Stanza 4
Drawn by the depths of the serpent’s dark secrets, abandoned were intentions of slaying this beast.
The dragon was subdued with love and with faith while the hunter’s hurt, blame and shame so gently released.
A metamorphosis bloomed - haunting demons turned to doves and lurking shadows became light.
Both grew acquainted with fears and with strengths and each found more love as day became night.
Worthier in battle than armor or sword proved the hunter’s brave heart, of this she’s now wise.
She tamed the beast, turned teacher and guide, now on the wings of a dragon, she celebrates and flies.

Line 6 When I put "the" in front of dragon I felt a nagging need to change to "the wings of a dragon"




Eire, your "writing workshop" is a delightful experience, though I'm now regretting not taking creative writing in college... Thanks again for your time and thoughtful response. Arrow You're awesome!

Sunny Cool
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Tue Jul 18, 2006 5:48 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


Sunny,

Post the poem here as you have it now...and we will go from there.

Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow

Post Tue Jul 18, 2006 5:58 am 
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


Thanks, Eire. Hugs to you as well.
Here's where we're at now...


DRAGON HUNTER

A dragon is burning deep beneath the surface, alive with a fire, but immune to the flame,
Devouring hope and scorching dreams, while basking in joy of destruction and fame.
The dragon will surface for its regular feasts, immobilizing first with a pulse-stopping gaze,
Then with well-rehearsed mastery and physical prowess, the dragon sets its helpless victim ablaze.
One rarely sees this evil serpent within, hidden and invisible to so much of this world,
But the dragon’s protecting its precious treasures, intent and determined no truth be unfurled.

Few risk a battle with this fierce adversary, the dragon’s powers are great and instincts so keen.
The fearful run when confronted by the dragon, their abandoned truths remain mysteries yet to be seen.
But struggling with fears and wishing to hide, a brave dragon hunter boldly defied such retreat,
Armed with a mighty sword and an arrow-filled quiver, driven to battle, no room for defeat.
The hunter plunged deep within the dragon’s eerie, stark lair, intent upon slaying this merciless one,
Surrounded by darkness, no sense of direction, the hunter soon wondered if her days had all run.

Her eyes did adjust, and more clearly she could see a shadow of the dragon afar in the distance,
Her nemesis adorned with gold-gilded wings and mirror-like scales, dispelling any doubts of its existence.
As the hunter approached, ready for battle, the dragon glanced in awe, now so benevolent a creature.
She gazed at the dragon’s scales and spied her reflection, no longer a demon - a mysterious teacher.
Shown was the truth untainted by pain, beneath the hunter’s armor lay the soft heart she so feared.
The dragon rendered powerless, its fire extinguished, with chase gone in the hunter, compassion appeared.

Drawn by the depths of the serpent’s dark secrets, abandoned were intentions of slaying this beast.
The dragon was subdued with love and with faith while the hunter’s hurt, blame and shame so gently released.
A metamorphosis bloomed - haunting demons turned to doves and lurking shadows became light.
Both grew acquainted with fears and with strengths and each found more love as day became night.
Worthier in battle than armor or sword proved the hunter’s brave heart, of this she’s now wise.
She tamed the beast, turned teacher and guide, now on the wings of a dragon, she celebrates and flies.


Sunny Cool
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.


Last edited by Sunny on Tue Jul 18, 2006 9:31 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Tue Jul 18, 2006 9:28 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


This is all I have this time

Stanza 1
Line 2 move the comma after “dreams” and place it after “joy,”
Line 3 pulse stopping is not what I had in mind…but It will work...remove "first"
Line 4 remove well-rehearsed

I will read it a few more times today and see if there is anything else.

Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow

Post Tue Jul 18, 2006 5:47 pm 
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


Eire,
You are an amazing person Exclamation I'm blown away by your willingness to share with others, strangers no less - I can't find the words to express my appreciation...

I've made the edits you suggested with two changes -
1. I replaced "pulse-stopping" with "paralyzing" and am now thinking I should perhaps replace "immobilizing" with "crippling"

2. I replaced "well-rehearsed" with great.

Thanks again Arrow Wishing you a wonderful day.

Sunny Cool

THE DRAGON HUNTER

A dragon is burning deep beneath the surface, alive with a fire, but immune to the flame,
Devouring hope and scorching dreams while basking in joy, of destruction and fame.
The dragon will surface for its regular feasts, immobilizing with a paralyzing gaze,
Then with great mastery and physical prowess, the dragon sets its helpless victim ablaze.
One rarely sees this evil serpent within, hidden and invisible to so much of this world,
But the dragon’s protecting its precious treasures, intent and determined no truth be unfurled.

Few risk a battle with this fierce adversary, the dragon’s powers are great and instincts so keen.
The fearful run when confronted by the dragon, their abandoned truths remain mysteries yet to be seen.
But struggling with fears and wishing to hide, a brave dragon hunter boldly defied such retreat,
Armed with a mighty sword and an arrow-filled quiver, driven to battle, no room for defeat.
The hunter plunged deep within the dragon’s eerie, stark lair, intent upon slaying this merciless one,
Surrounded by darkness, no sense of direction, the hunter soon wondered if her days had all run.

Her eyes did adjust, and more clearly she could see a shadow of the dragon afar in the distance,
Her nemesis adorned with gold-gilded wings and mirror-like scales, dispelling any doubts of its existence.
As the hunter approached, ready for battle, the dragon glanced in awe, now so benevolent a creature.
She gazed at the dragon’s scales and spied her reflection, no longer a demon - a mysterious teacher.
Shown was the truth untainted by pain, beneath the hunter’s armor lay the soft heart she so feared.
The dragon rendered powerless, its fire extinguished, with chase gone in the hunter, compassion appeared.

Drawn by the depths of the serpent’s dark secrets, abandoned were intentions of slaying this beast.
The dragon was subdued with love and with faith while the hunter’s hurt, blame and shame so gently released.
A metamorphosis bloomed - haunting demons turned to doves and lurking shadows became light.
Both grew acquainted with fears and with strengths and each found more love as day became night.
Worthier in battle than armor or sword proved the hunter’s brave heart, of this she’s now wise.
She tamed the beast, turned teacher and guide, now on the wings of a dragon, she celebrates and flies.
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Tue Jul 18, 2006 7:04 pm 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


How about this?

Change this...
"The dragon will surface for its regular feasts, immobilizing with a paralyzing gaze,"

To this...
"The dragon will surface for its regular feasts, binding its prey with a paralyzing gaze,"

My original thought was "piercing gaze" but I like that paralyzing gaze it seems to fit better.

I like the second change you made...it works very good.

Excellent work Sunny Smile

Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow

Post Wed Jul 19, 2006 3:17 am 
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


Eire,
Yes, I like that. I too contemplated "piercing". Just out of curiosity, why were you inclined to use an adjective starting with "p"? Thank you, again.

Hugs,
Sunny Cool
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Wed Jul 19, 2006 12:48 pm 
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Happier Blue



Joined: 01 Feb 2005
Posts: 379


Sunny,

I’ve read some of your poetry and for someone who is just starting out I think you’re doing really great. You seem to have a nice sense of the use of language and being able to create very vivid imagery. The best advice I can offer is to simply write as often and as much as you can. There is a great amount of skill involved in writing, so the more you practice, the better you will become. Also, by writing and experimenting with different forms, you will begin to develop a style that is naturally and uniquely your own.

I think Eiregirl touched on this earlier but one thing to remember is that poetry was meant to be read aloud. So, while poetry is written, its lyrical beauty is fully enjoyed when it is recited. As a way of gauging how good your own poem is, try reading it aloud and see how it sounds to you. There should be a nice flow and almost musical sense to the sound of your words.

One of the first things that struck me about your poem is that it looked to be written in paragraphs rather than verses. The lines were quite long and length of these lines varied greatly. Since you decided to use a simple rhyme scheme (again, quite musical) it seemed appropriate to divide these lines to provide natural pauses as you read.

So, focusing on the first verse, I divided each of your single long lines into two shorter lines. After doing this and re-reading, I noticed that there was quite a discrepancy in individual line length. Line length in poetry is measured by the number of syllables in each line. If you think of this in terms of popular music, most song lyrics vary in line length from four to seven syllables. Singers are able to make a smooth transition from one line to the next when the first line is seven syllables and the next only four by holding a note longer. So, unlike poetry, lyrics are measured by the number of notes in a line, not syllables. For example, Whitney Houston took the simple, one line lyric I will always love you and turned it into three lines … I / will always / love you.

So, since the poet cannot hold a note, the smooth transition is accomplished by keeping each line relatively the same length. So, after dividing your lines into two, I then started counting syllables. The result is as follows:

A dragon is burning deep beneath the surface, 12
alive with a fire, but immune to the flame, 11
Devouring hope and scorching dreams, 8
while basking in joy of destruction and fame. 11
The dragon will surface for its regular feasts, 12
immobilizing first with a pulse-stopping gaze, 12
Then with well-rehearsed mastery and physical prowess, 14
the dragon sets its helpless victim ablaze. 11
One rarely sees this evil serpent within, 11
hidden and invisible to so much of this world, 13
But the dragon’s protecting its precious treasures, 12
intent and determined no truth be unfurled. 11

After doing this, the other thing I noticed was that each of your two lines created a complete thought about the dragon. The first two lines introduced the dragon to the reader, the next two described what it does and the last two tell a why it does what it does. So, again, it seems natural to divide these complete thoughts into their own individual stanzas.

So, with some very minor editing, I equalized the line length and changed your six lines into three stanzas of four lines each (called a quatrain). The result is as follows:

A dragon burning beneath the surface deep, 11
Alive with a fire, but immune to its flame, 11
That devours all hope and scorches our dreams, 11
while basking in joy of destruction and shame. 11

The dragon will surface for regular feasts, 11
Immobilizing with a pulse-stopping gaze, 11
Then with mastery and physical prowess, 11
The dragon sets its helpless victim ablaze. 11

One rarely sees this evil serpent within, 11
Hidden, invisible to much of this world, 11
Protecting precious treasures, the dragon is, 11
Intent and determined no truth be unfurled. 11

I think this reads very smoothly but will let you be the judge. I think ghost mentioned that what is said is more important than how it is said. Obviously, I would disagree but add that often what is not said is as important as what is said. Another words, you want to leave some room for the reader (or listener) to fill in the blanks. You seem to have a good sense of this and that, too, is really important.

I wish I had a little more time to spend with this now but I hope this gives you some good food for thought and maybe points you in a good direction. I look forward to reading your thoughts and any questions you may have.

~Blue~

PS: One second thought I had when re-reading this, is that I preferred your original use of the word shame instead of fame. I think the dragon finds joy in a negative image, so the dragon’s claim to fame is really its shame(ful) acts and behavior. Maybe a fine point but one I thought worth mentioning.


Last edited by Happier Blue on Fri Jul 21, 2006 6:28 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Thu Jul 20, 2006 8:12 pm 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


I smile and look at seansun...

SEEEEEEEE I told you...

There are lots of ladies around here to lend a hand Smile

Happier...excellent advice

Smile

Eiregirl Arrow

Post Fri Jul 21, 2006 4:38 am 
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


Blue,
Thank you for taking the time to read my work, for your encouraging words and for all of your thoughtful, valuable feedback. Very Happy I took a fresh look at this one, deconstructed, reconstructed and have arrived at yet another version.

I look forward to any new thoughts you may have...

Thank you again so very much Exclamation

Sunny Cool

THE DRAGON HUNTER

A dragon burning beneath the surface deep,
Alive with a fire, but immune to its flame,
Devouring all hopes and scorching all dreams,
While basking in joy of destruction and shame.

The dragon will surface for regular feasts,
Immobilizing with a soul-searing gaze,
Then, with remarkable prowess and mastery,
The dragon sets its helpless victim ablaze.

One rarely sees this evil serpent within,
Hidden, invisible to much of this world,
Protecting precious treasures, the dragon is,
Intent and determined no truth be unfurled.

This merciless foe dissuades most from battle,
Its powers so fearsome and instincts so keen.
When challenged by the dragon, most turn and run,
Abandoning truths, mysteries yet to be seen.

But struggling with fears and wishing to hide,
A brave dragon hunter defied such retreat,
Armed with a sword and an arrow-filled quiver,
Driven to battle, she’d concede no defeat.

The hunter plunged deep within the gloomy lair,
Intent upon slaying this merciless one.
Surrounded by darkness, direction amiss,
The hunter soon wondered, had her days all run?

But her eyes did adjust, more clearly she saw
The dragon's shadow afar in the distance.
Shining gold-gilded wings and mirror-like scales,
Dispelled the hunter’s doubts of its existence.

As she gathered her thoughts, and planned her assault,
The dragon just stared, a mild-mannered creature.
She gazed at its scales and spied her reflection,
The demon transformed - a mystical teacher.

Revealed in its mirrors, her truths were now clear,
No longer concealed, the soft heart she so feared.
As the dragon’s treasures were slowly exposed,
Tenderness surfaced and compassion appeared.

Drawn by the depths of this serpent’s dark secrets,
The hunter found mercy and love for the beast.
She subdued the dragon with hope and with faith,
And her hurt, blame and shame so gently released.

As the two shared, a metamorphosis bloomed,
Haunting demons turned to doves, shadows to lights.
Both grew acquainted with their fears and their strengths
And each found more love, as days became nights.

Worthier in battle than arrows or sword,
Proved the hunter’s brave heart, of this she’s now wise.
She tamed the haunting beast, turned teacher and guide,
Now, on the dragon’s wings, she joyously flies.
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.


Last edited by Sunny on Sun Jul 23, 2006 2:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Sun Jul 23, 2006 1:52 pm 
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


Sunny smiles right back at Eire and winks Wink - yes you are so right, Eire Exclamation A delightful oasis of amazing women right here at my fingertips Very Happy well, virtually, anyhow.... hum, Sunny rereads this note and laughs Laughing , wondering how this might be construed...

Wishing you a wonderful day, Eire.

Sunny Cool
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Sun Jul 23, 2006 2:03 pm 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


Sunny,

That is as nice a poem as the original has become. There are still a few little things that could be done to make it better.

Those things mainly deal with wording that will help your poem flow a little better
The most obvious are shown below and the first one I will use to give one example of what I mean. I also pulled out other stanzas you may want to look at. There are a few other minor things but they are only minor and very much personal preference so we will not bother with those at the moment.

Look at your stanzas and see how they move from line to line and stanza to stanza. What you want is a nice fluid movement that connects everything together.
Also take a look at the punctuation of your stanzas and you may notice something you may want to change…or may not but I think you will.

One rarely sees this evil serpent within,
Hidden, invisible to much of this world,
Protecting precious treasures, the dragon is,
Intent and determined no truth be unfurled.

Change to…

One rarely sees this evil serpent within,
Hidden, invisible to much of this world.
The dragon protects its precious treasures,
Intent and determined no truth be unfurled.

****************************************

This merciless foe dissuades most from battle,
Its powers so fearsome and instincts so keen.
When challenged by the dragon, most turn and run,
Abandoning truths, mysteries yet to be seen.

****************************************

But struggling with fears and wishing to hide,
A brave dragon hunter defied such retreat,
Armed with a sword and an arrow-filled quiver,
Driven to battle, she’d concede no defeat.

****************************************

As she gathered her thoughts, and planned her assault,
The dragon just stared, a mild-mannered creature.
She gazed at its scales and spied her reflection,
The demon transformed - a mystical teacher.

****************************************

Drawn by the depths of this serpent’s dark secrets,
The hunter found mercy and love for the beast.
She subdued the dragon with hope and with faith,
And her hurt, blame and shame so gently released.


And I still prefer the word “fame” to the word “shame”. It is my thinking in reading that stanza that the dragon feels no shame in what it does. If you feel otherwise and wish to use the word “shame” that is ok. It is my opinion that you may want to be definitive in the dragon feeling shame for what it does or feeling no shame for what it does. That is only my opinion and you may do as you wish after all it is your poem.

When I read this stanza…

A dragon burning beneath the surface deep,
Alive with a fire, but immune to its flame,
Devouring all hopes and scorching all dreams,
While basking in joy of destruction and shame.

This is what I see…

A dragon is deep within it’s lair…a fire breathing dragon that is immune to flame. A dragon that devours your hopes and dreams.

That is what I see with the first three lines.
Now the last line…

While basking in joy of destruction and shame.

It is hard to decide here whether the dragon feels shame or if the dragon is joyful of others shame.

Is the dragon basking in the joy of destruction and the joy of shame

Happier said ”I think ghost mentioned that what is said is more important than how it is said. Obviously, I would disagree but add that often what is not said is as important as what is said. Another words, you want to leave some room for the reader (or listener) to fill in the blanks.”

I think they are both correct to a point…as I told ghost in so many words…how something is said is as important or more important than what is said. Happier is correct in that often you do want to leave room for the reader to “fill in the blanks” but you want to make sure you get your point across and that you tell the story the way you want it told. You do not want the reader thinking one thing when there was no doubt you wanted them to think another. If you want to leave something so that it could go one way or another that is ok if that is what you want. But most often the reader will interpret it from their own life’s perspective anyway…no matter how you write it.

I still think the dragon would rather bask in its own fame than in shame Wink

If you wish to use shame then right the line like this…
It basks in joy of their destruction and shame

We all know that dragons are arrogant creatures who feel no shame.

Eiregirl Arrow

Post Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:10 pm 
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