poetry, poems, poem, lesbian, lesbian poetry, lesbian poems, lesbian poem, poetry critique, poetry critic, poem critique, 
poem critic, lesbian poetry critique, lesbian poetry critic, poem submissions, poetry submissions, poetry submission, 
lesbian poetry submission, lesbian poem submission, submit poetry, submit poem, submit poems, submit lesbian poems, submit lesbian poem, submit lesbian poetry poetry, poems, poem, lesbian, lesbian poetry, lesbian poems, lesbian poem, poetry critique, poetry critic, poem critique, 
poem critic, lesbian poetry critique, lesbian poetry critic, poem submissions, poetry submissions, poetry submission, 
lesbian poetry submission, lesbian poem submission, submit poetry, submit poem, submit poems, submit lesbian poems, submit lesbian poem, submit lesbian poetry poetry, poems, poem, lesbian, lesbian poetry, lesbian poems, lesbian poem, poetry critique, poetry critic, poem critique, 
poem critic, lesbian poetry critique, lesbian poetry critic, poem submissions, poetry submissions, poetry submission, 
lesbian poetry submission, lesbian poem submission, submit poetry, submit poem, submit poems, submit lesbian poems, submit lesbian poem, submit lesbian poetry poetry, poems, poem, lesbian, lesbian poetry, lesbian poems, lesbian poem, poetry critique, poetry critic, poem critique, 
poem critic, lesbian poetry critique, lesbian poetry critic, poem submissions, poetry submissions, poetry submission, 
lesbian poetry submission, lesbian poem submission, submit poetry, submit poem, submit poems, submit lesbian poems, submit lesbian poem, submit lesbian poetry
BACK TO HOME PAGE SITE NAVIGATION CONTACT STORY FORUM GENERAL FORUM   Horoscope  Radio  Gallery  FAQ   Search   Memberlist   Usergroups   Register   Profile   PM's   
Log in 

Poetry Forum Index -> Request feedback

Bodybuilder
Goto page 1, 2  Next
LifeVita6
  Author    Thread Post new topic Reply to topic
Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
Bodybuilder

Just started writing poetry, but finding it incredibly therapeutic. Would love to learn more about the art in my process - your feedback would be sincerely welcomed. Thanks.


BODYBUILDER

Delts like cannonballs,
Six-pack abs.
Glutes of steel
And ripped up calves.
Shredded back
And freaky biceps.
Wide spread lats
And torn up triceps.

Tattered heart
And shattered soul.
Haunting memories
Extract their toll.
Battered ego
And tortured mind.
Innocence lost
And left behind.

She builds her body,
Pumps with drive.
Burying secrets
To stay alive.
She’s so cut,
Defined and hard.
Armor-like muscle
Will be her guard.

© 2006 Sunny. All rights reserved.
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.


Last edited by Sunny on Tue Mar 13, 2007 4:12 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Mon Jun 19, 2006 1:45 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website  Reply with quote  
ghost



Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA


i like the imagery, seansun. works well here....

and you are so right about the therapeutic value of writing poetry. we don't really focus on the literary styles and "correct" poetry here at mels, maybe because we are such a supportive community. it's really about what you saying, and not how you are saying it.

but if you like, we (i) will comment on things that could be improved. for this poem, i really see no problems.. as a matter of fact, i really liked it!

so, welcome to mels, and i hope the site brings you pleasure and a good measure of peace too.

regards
ghost
_________________
MIA

Post Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:19 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Mdm Prez



Joined: 19 May 2005
Posts: 1536
Location: U.S. of A.
sea

I, too, like this. After giving us a tour of the body, you then take us on a tour of the heart.
Well done.

Mdm
_________________
If you're not getting the answers you want,
you're not asking the right questions.

Post Tue Jun 20, 2006 11:45 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Xalia1
Moderators


Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love


I agree with both Ghost and Mdm...
Very well written, I enjoyed this very much.
Take care.

Hugs,
Xalia
_________________
Nobody said life would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it.
~♥♥~
~The words fail me.. because what I feel for you is beyond description...~

Post Tue Jun 20, 2006 1:27 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger  Reply with quote  
Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


sea,

Another nice poem. Smile

Sometimes I think this section should be moved higher up the list so more people will see it and use it.

I smile and sit next to ghost…

Welll I would say we don’t usually criticize anything unless it is posted here or requested. At least not openly...though there is such a thing as PM.
Anything posted here in this section of the forum is free game…if criticism is not wanted then it should not be posted here.

I gently tap ghost on the shoulder…

How something is said is as important as what is said because how something is said can lead to a greater understanding of what is said.

It is a little sad sometimes that more people don’t use or at least try various styles and forms of poetry because there is much more to poetry than just writing your thoughts. Imagine taking your random thoughts and putting them into a poem…now take that poem and turn it into a sonnet or a villanelle…compare it to the random thought poem. Most of the time the one that is a “literary” form of poetry will be much better…not always but most of the time. Even if you attempt to take those raw thoughts and write a particular form or style of poem you may find that you have come up with something that expresses those thoughts just the way you want them even if it does not end up being the form you were attempting or any form at all but most likely it is something worth reading.

New forms and styles of poetry are being written all the time. I have seen styles of poetry on these boards that I have never seen before where the writer most likely did not even know they had just created a new style of poetry. Many people such as myself just love writing poetry and like playing around with it by taking bits and pieces from various forms of poetry and adding a few new things and seeing what the result will be.

I have seen some very good raw poetry here but as I read it I can see that if the person had just taken the time to clean it up a little and moved bit and pieces around and if the poem was given a little form and flow it could set the page on fire…not doing that is what I find to be a little sad. It is sometimes just sad to see what could be…

I find myself rambling on so I will shut up.

Eiregirl Arrow

Post Mon Jun 26, 2006 5:30 am 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website  Reply with quote  
ghost



Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA


point taken, eire...

well said. maybe you must ramble more often.. grin.

my problem is (and sorry for barging into your post here, sunny) that i am not inclined to struggle with trying to fit my thoughts into a set pattern or style. sometimes just getting the thoughts out are difficult enough! that said, i have GREAT admiration for those who can do it, you, eire, and mairi excell at this.

and sunny, if you want to find out more about the different styles eire is referring to, go check out the other section that eire has gone to a lot of trouble with to create and maintain.... read and learn and enjoy.

regards
ghost
_________________
MIA

Post Mon Jun 26, 2006 7:00 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


Eiregirl and ghost,
Points well taken. I agree with Ghost that sometimes getting the thoughts out are challenging enough, but as Eiregirl points out "How something is said is as important as what is said because how something is said can lead to a greater understanding of what is said." For me, this is the seduction of poetry. I suspect the greater understanding of what is said is an experience for the reader as well as the author. Wrting poetry is all very new to me, but I do find that the more I tinker with my words, the deeper my understanding of the underlying emotions and experiences that inspired my writing to begin with. That being said, however, I've read several of Eiregirl's posts on style and react with mixed emotions - a sense of challenge to take my raw, rough poems and make more of them and see where I land vs. a sense of intimidation at the enormous challenge of tapping emotions and exploring true poetic styles all at once. I’m inclined to try to take my writings to a deeper level stylistically, but since I've never had any formal poetry instruction or mentoring, I'm at a loss as to how to start. That's I think where this and the style tips forums comes in.

So, again I invite all the feedback members feel inclined to contribute and do receive it with an appreciative, open mind. And yes Eriegirl, I’m going to take a stab at a sonnet or perhaps a villanelle. Thanks to all who share their feedback and their work – you enrich my life! Arrow

Sunny
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Mon Jun 26, 2006 2:36 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website  Reply with quote  
ghost



Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA


smiling.... i really like this conversation.

ok, but what about what is NOT said?

case in point... is my latest "effort" ...(i am really struggling with writer's block - even though i know the cause of it)... really a poem??? or not???

ummm, i put it in Emotional Poetry, named it "Unnamed".... i give my poems a name, not a title, because there again, it influences the WHOLE reading experience. just a silly quirk of mine.

give it your best shot, those who are interested in exploring the murky depths of poetic whatever.

regards
ghost
_________________
MIA

Post Mon Jun 26, 2006 6:09 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


I don’t profess to being any sort of literary scholar and I’ve just recently ventured into the delicious world of poetry, but it seems to me the goal of poetry is to evoke some sort of emotional response from the reader while selecting words that when connected resemble some sort of “word bouquet” if you will. If poetry is as Wordsworth says "the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings” then certainly “Unnamed” is a poem, though perhaps not one that conforms to any particular style. I wouldn’t try to define “poetry” though since I think it’s much like pornography – you know it when you see it, and the definition is subjective. To define poetry seems like trying to catch a raindrop. When you think you’ve caught it, it eludes you yet again and leaves you feeling all the more foolish for thinking you’re so powerful.

For me in “Unnamed”, there is so much not said, but that is part of the intrigue – an initial “OUCH” and the imagination starts reeling wanting to know more, - so yes, you hooked me with a powerful emotional response. And yes, I’d accept that this is poetry, albeit non-conventional. Based on my limited knowledge (much thanks to Eriegirl, for sharing her knowledge and art so generously), poetry, as with other arts, has a rich, well-documented evolution through the ages. But I do wonder what you might say if you weren’t struggling with writer’s block? Can you put words to what’s not said and what would be your emotional response or that of the reader were you to do so? How might the impact change were yo to conform to a more traditional style?

Just a few rambling thoughts... Wink
Sunny
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Mon Jun 26, 2006 9:44 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website  Reply with quote  
Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


Where does poetry come from…
This is something I have been writing off and on for a while now and when I get it all complete I will be posting it in the Poetic Form and Technique section…here is a short snippet from it…

Poetry is without a doubt the oldest form of literature. It has been around longer than the written word and as long as there has been any form of language on this world. It has been passed down from generation to generation for thousands upon thousands of years without ever touching pen to paper.

But where does it come from? It comes from the mind in forms of thought and expression then someone takes that thought and either vocalizes or puts it into written words.
When a person can take that thought and they express it vocally or on paper and give the listener/reader a glimpse into their mind…that is a poet.
When someone takes rambling thoughts and writes them down on paper that is all you have…rambling thoughts. If those thoughts are taken and cleaned up by giving the words intonation, imagery and expression by arranging them in a way that captures the readers attention at the start and holds it through to the end then you have a poem. It does not matter if you use a particular style…a particular form or any form at all.

All of this is especially true when you are writing about yourself and your own experiences because you want to get those emotions and feeling across to the reader. You want…for the brief moment in time that they sit and read your words…you want them to become you.



ghost...

"when it breaks

it sounds like
shattered blood"

The above is poetry...one more line and a few more syllables and it could be a Naani but as it is it could almost be a tercet if not for the space between line one and line two. But what I see is commonly called a Three line poem.

What I find interesting outside the metaphors is that you have three lines with three syllables each...I wonder if you noticed that when you wrote it?

Eiregirl Arrow

The sound of a breaking heart is never a good sound

Post Tue Jun 27, 2006 6:22 am 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website  Reply with quote  
ghost



Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA


hi eire...

well, it's actually a quote of a few lines from one of my poems.."broken".

http://www.melswebs.com/poetryboards/viewtopic.php?t=6737&sid=4fa4806c93b7f277dc8ab7e49f8b3cf7

i still want to look at some of my stuff, there are a number of them that i noticed have lines with the same number f syllables in them... so i am not sure if its a style or not, lol...

thanks for your thoughts on this, anyway.

regards
ghost
_________________
MIA

Post Tue Jun 27, 2006 9:23 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


I remember reading that poem a few weeks ago...it was nice and still is.

It is kind of interesting how you can take a piece from it and let it stand by itself and a different meaning can be perceived.

Sweetie they all have style...your style. Smile

Eiregirl Arrow

Post Tue Jun 27, 2006 8:40 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website  Reply with quote  
desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted


i really enjoyed this seansun
a good strong poem, i thought

Post Tue Jun 27, 2006 9:22 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail  Reply with quote  
ghost



Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA


butting in your posts, again, sunny.. sorry!

thanks for the compliments, eire....
and the meaning you derived, is not so different. not at all.

regards
ghost
_________________
MIA

Post Wed Jun 28, 2006 12:58 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


Hi all,
Well, I'm taking my first vacation in 6 yrs but had to check in on all of you. Pale, thanks for your word of encouragement and support - I love writing and intent to continue - gathering lots of great material here in a tropical oasis to fuel some positive energy and words. Now, I just have to find a way to get them to paper in some form that's not total giberish. Ugh!

Ghost and Eriegirl, thanks for "butting in" on my post. You both are very gifted writers but seem you come from very different approaches to writing, Erie, you say poetry comes from the mind - how about from the heart and then through the mind? Do you two differ in your beliefs as to where poetry eminates from? In case you haven't noticed yet, I tend to totally overanalyze... but how much do you think poetry is analytical and how much artistic? How do you strike a balance? Just curious... And by the way, is there a discussion board where these issues are typically dsicussed? Peace...
Sunny
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Sat Jul 01, 2006 4:50 am 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website  Reply with quote  
  Display posts from previous:      
Post new topic Reply to topic

Jump to:  
Goto page 1, 2  Next

Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
LifeVita3

 

 



Search For Posters!


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group

In Association with Amazon.com
     
Terms & Conditions Privacy Statement Acknowledgements