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 LifeVita6
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Virgo84



Joined: 21 Feb 2006
Posts: 4
Location: Ohio,USA 		untitled

 untitled

The boat is sinking the bridge has broke
The nightmare of a dream which has awoke
The uncertantity of myself and others around
The peace of mind which can never be found
The reality of truth and regret of a lie
When you know you can do it but don't even try
The over whelming emotions filling the mind
The fear and anger holding a tight bind
The secrets you want to tell but just can't say
The never ending struggle to get through the day
When people want to help but just can't see
The struggle and effort it takes to be me
Post Thu Feb 23, 2006 5:08 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny

Virgo,

Just at a quick glance (will take a closer look tomorrow evening) the only thing I would change would be this line...

"The fear and anger holding a tight bind " I would consider changing to this...
"The fear and anger hold a tight bind"

otherwise at the moment it looks really good.

Will look it over more tomorrow.

Oh and "over whelming" one word might work better "overwhelming"

Until tomorrow
Eiregirl
Post Thu Feb 23, 2006 6:25 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny

As I tell everyone…
Disclaimer
For your information the following input by me is my own personal opinion and suggestions (after all that is what you want and asked for).
My opinion/suggestions are offered as constructive criticism so take nothing I say personally since I may be blunt and to the point.
You may freely use anything or nothing that I have suggested that is up to you.

On looking at this one again and reading a few times The only other thing I see wrong with this is “uncertantity” should be “uncertainty”
And I changed my mind on “holding” leave it…after reading it again it fits and should stay.

Virgo…this is a wonderful poem expressed nicely.

Eiregirl
Post Fri Feb 24, 2006 3:12 am 
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