She said she wanted to have sex with strings attached;
Only to her arms and wrist.
Said she had, had her heart broken far too many times
to even consider walking down that road again.
She said she only wanted to partake, in the physical.
Said she, wanted me to fill her chest, with my
treasure;
Then afterwards, pretend like I had never even met
her.
But there was something about her, that made me ponder
What it would take to have this woman wake up next to
me
Every single morning for the rest of my LIFE
To Abandon my fears of abandonment,
To make every woman who has come before her a blur!
See the fact of the matter is
I want to re-invent the wheel with her.
I want to find different reasons to be in love every
single minute
That`s why I contemplate different positions to keep
her interested
Each and every single time that I`m IN IT!
That`s why I treat her sweet like Holy Water.
Trying to absorb every single drop into my skin
So when I`m going through the rickamaroe of my day
I can always revert back to her scent, so I told
her...
To strip for me.
First I told her to take off that thing that makes it
frightening for her to commit
And commit to getting rid of it!
Told her to take off the stigma of failed
relationships in the past,
Told her to forget about her ex,
Told her to take off all the baggage, and just stand
in front of me...naked!
Told her sex was cool
But making love, was sacred!
Told her to forget about the past lover`s behavior
Forget the days where the only number you had to get
in touch with her,
Was a pager
Forget how she disrespected you in front of your
friends and neighbors!
Forget how you stayed up until the wee hours of the
morning
Loosing years off of your life.
Wondering if she was gonna even bother to come home
tonight.
Forget about the
Bumps and the bruises,
The lies and excuses
Forget about the mediocre love making that she didn`t
even bother to shower for,
Because in MY EYES
You`re a virgin;
As pure as the blackest night.
Sure you`ve given your body away a few times,
But you never bothered to open up your mind!
And in the same way that the moon has power over the
sea
YOU HAVE POWER OVER ME.
And I won`t be satisfied until you come 7 times
Why 7?
Because 7 is the number of completion,
It serves notice to the creator
That we two together have found peace within,
But FIRST
I want you to strip for me.
Take off the memories of every,
Ill-fated one-night stand,
Every failed second chance
Every night you stayed up wanting romance.
Take off all the years of misery
Believing you had to endure her bullshit, because
ya`ll had history
I want you to unbutton
The suffering,
Unzip
The unhappiness
I want you to slide out
Of the doubt,
Because it`s all about you.
Every time I step into the room, I`m consumed by the
power that exudes from your womb .
And, she was a fool not to pay homage to a Goddess;
your body is timeless.
I want you to strip for me
I want you to stand in front of me soul bare
Spirit exposed
Mind open
FOCUSED
Believe you deserve love just like the next,
Believe that your body can be used for far more than
just sex
I want you to strip down
Then I want to go down!
Taste what slave masters risked there lives for,
What grown men are willing to risk their lives for.
After you strip down, these walls will tell the story
of two people who made love with such passion
That the Almighty himself couldn`t understand it
I want you to strip for me
Emotionally, then
I want you to trust me, then
I want you to love me,then
I want you to touch me.
I want us to start anew.
Baby I want you to strip for me,
Disclaimer
For your information the following input by me is my own personal opinion and suggestions (after all that is what you want).
My opinion/suggestions are offered as constructive criticism so take nothing I say personally.
The changes I make will appear in bold letters or yellow letters
Parts removed will either not be there or appear in red letters
This will be done by sections of your write (poem, story or whatever) and sometimes maybe line by line depending on…well me lol.
After each section In ( ) I will put how I would have written that section then I will tell you what I changed and why I would change it. Or perhaps I will simply give an opinion or suggestion...depending on the write and me.
At the very end I will give you my overall view of the write.
Strip For Me
She said she wanted to have sex with strings attached;
(I like this one line start to the poem but I noticed in reading the rest of the poem that you go back and forth between She said and Said she which is ok but I would either keep it one way or break it up into sections of the poem…such as first half use She said then the second half Said she or you could do it alternating back and forth…which you almost did.)
Only to her arms and wrist.
Said she had, had her heart broken far too many times
to even consider walking down that road again.
She said she only wanted to partake, in the physical.
Said she, wanted me to fill her chest, with my
treasure;
(I would have this section read like this…
Only to her arms and wrist
s
.
Said she,
her heart had been
broken far too many times
to even consider walking down that road again.
She said she only wanted to partake, in the physical.
Said she, wanted me to fill her chest, with my
treasure;
Then afterwards, pretend like I had never even met
her.
But there was something about her, that made me ponder
The only part of this section of the poem I really did not like was the had, had because to me redundant or repeated words that do not express something significant in a poem only detract immensely from the poem. If I were you I would try to stay away from using the same word back to back unless absolutely necessary. The only other problem I see here is with this line (But there was something about her, that made me ponder) get rid of the comma after her…this line should read…But there was something about her that made me ponder or But there was something about her, which made me ponder)
What it would take to have this woman wake up next to
me
Every single morning for the rest of my LIFE
To Abandon my fears of abandonment,
To make every woman who has come before her a blur!
See the fact of the matter is
I want to re-invent the wheel with her.
I want to find different reasons to be in love every
single minute
That`s why I contemplate different positions to keep
her interested
Each and every single time that I`m IN IT!
That`s why I treat her sweet like Holy Water.
Trying to absorb every single drop into my skin
So when I`m going through the rickamaroe of my day
I can always revert back to her scent, so I told
her...
To strip for me.
(This section is good and I only find a few problems mainly with grammar such as using an accent mark where the minute mark should be…example That`s instead of the proper That’s. The only other thing I see wrong is misspelling rigmarole…it is not spelled rickamaroe.)
First I told her to take off that thing that makes it
frightening for her to commit
And commit to getting rid of it!
Told her to take off the stigma of failed
relationships in the past,
Told her to forget about her ex,
Told her to take off all the baggage, and just stand
in front of me...naked!
Told her sex was cool
But making love, was sacred!
Told her to forget about the past lover`s behavior
Forget the days where the only number you had to get
in touch with her,
Was a pager
Forget how she disrespected you in front of your
friends and neighbors!
Forget how you stayed up until the wee hours of the
morning
Loosing years off of your life.
Wondering if she was gonna even bother to come home
tonight.
Forget about the
Bumps and the bruises,
The lies and excuses
Forget about the mediocre love making that she didn`t
even bother to shower for,
Because in MY EYES
You`re a virgin;
As pure as the blackest night.
Sure you`ve given your body away a few times,
But you never bothered to open up your mind!
And in the same way that the moon has power over the
sea
YOU HAVE POWER OVER ME.
And I won`t be satisfied until you come 7 times
Why 7?
Because 7 is the number of completion,
It serves notice to the creator
That we two together have found peace within,
But FIRST
I want you to strip for me.
(Again…this section is good and has similar problems to the one before because you are still using the ` where you should be using the ‘ as well as a misspelled word loosing should be losing otherwise nicely written)
Take off the memories of every,
Ill-fated one-night stand,
Every failed second chance
Every night you stayed up wanting romance.
Take off all the years of misery
Believing you had to endure her bullshit, because
ya`ll had history
I want you to unbutton
The suffering,
Unzip
The unhappiness
I want you to slide out
Of the doubt,
Because it`s all about you.
Every time I step into the room, I`m consumed by the
power that exudes from your womb .
And, she was a fool not to pay homage to a Goddess;
your body is timeless.
I want you to strip for me
I want you to stand in front of me soul bare
Spirit exposed
Mind open
FOCUSED
Believe you deserve love just like the next,
Believe that your body can be used for far more than
just sex
I want you to strip down
Then I want to go down!
Taste what slave masters risked there lives for,
What grown men are willing to risk their lives for.
After you strip down, these walls will tell the story
of two people who made love with such passion
That the Almighty himself couldn`t understand it
I want you to strip for me
Emotionally, then
I want you to trust me, then
I want you to love me,then
I want you to touch me.
I want us to start anew.
Baby I want you to strip for me,
(Another well done section with the same problems as in the others with the ` instead of the proper ‘ and a space needed between , and then in this line (I want you to love me,then) otherwise it is another well written section.)
Because I`ve already stripped for you
(I like this one line ending…just get rid of the ` and replace it with a ‘)
In anything a person writes little glitches can take away from it and in some cases if they are abundant (yours were not abundant) the people who read it will only see the mistakes instead of what you are wanting to express.
I like the style and have used a similar style a few times myself.
Would I have used this style if I had written this poem myself? Probably not but it works and it fits this poem well and it is a very good poem.
Sometimes in poetry using misspelled words or str-et-ch-ing a word out…using different sized font or bold letters…these things can be and are used to express something a certain way but if it is not intended and used in that manner it will take away from the poem and with the exception of a couple of misspelled words you did well in this area.
Your poem showed great love, emotion and desire. It showed how a person can strip off more than just their clothes and actually bare their soul to another.
A wonderful poem…if you ever want me to criticize another…just post it here and I will.
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