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need some feedback

 LifeVita6
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ragingheart



Joined: 17 May 2004
Posts: 8
Location: north carolina 		need some feedback

 Be My lover On the Side

I want you to be my lover.
Not my partner but my lover.
That person I meet on the side.
The one who is secret and no one else knows even when others are around.
I need to touch your sweet creamy body and feel my hands go down into your depths.
I want you to be my lover.
I want to know how it feels to kiss those tender lips.
Oh I know about playing with fire but I want to feel yours.
I want to feel your body's heat ignite under my caress so gentle.
I want to feel my heat rise as you touch me.
I want you to be my lover and not my partner.
I want to meet you on the side.
We can find a time and we can find a place.
There are enough opportunities for this to come.
I want you to be my lover and not my partner.
I want to meet you on the side.
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Post Thu Jun 10, 2004 5:16 pm 
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Athena



Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 314
Location: Berlin

Not bad.
I like all the imagery you have. It really makes the poem come to life. One thing I will offer critique on is the flow. The mind sort of has to stop and start again read "I wan't" so many times. It messes with the natural rhythm. Try taking out "I want" in the body of the poem and just leave "To" see how that feels.
Eve
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Post Wed Oct 27, 2004 9:44 pm 
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 		A Very Good Read

 I enjoyed your poem so very much. There have been times that I have felt the same about someone. I hope that everything worked out for you. But a word of warning, becareful what you wish for, sometimes it can be more than you can handle!!
Post Sat Oct 30, 2004 4:01 pm 
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Tullia_1976



Joined: 01 Nov 2004
Posts: 414
Location: Canada

I think the reality is that we all have fantasized about someone else. We have all been there. But be careful what you wish for! Goodluck! I agree with Athena. Having 'I Want' all over the place screws with the flow. You should try not to have too many repeating words in your poems. But repeats are especially henious at the begining of sentances. It takes practise but I know you can do it girl!! Just have faith and learn from your fellow poets, thats how we all learn. Very Happy Let me know when you revise this one okay? I would love to see a 2nd draft of this poem. ~Tullia
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Post Fri Nov 05, 2004 3:30 am 
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Linda Bray



Joined: 22 Aug 2004
Posts: 4052

I think most of us have had this fantasy at some point....yes be careful it doesnt explode in your face. I agree with Athena and Tullia....the flow could use some work. Think of it as music....the music of your soul. These are your thoughts and feelings....let your feelings shine through. I would also like to see another draft....I hope you will humor us.
Take care,
Linda
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Linda Bray
Post Mon Nov 08, 2004 3:50 am 
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Femmetech



Joined: 05 Nov 2004
Posts: 16
Location: Rockford,IL

I think the poem is off to a good start.
I also agree with the repetition of the words "I want".

The best advice I was given regarding poetry was this:

Sit back--take a look at it and think--What words can I eliminate? Which words can be extracted from this piece and still leave the meaning intact?

I almost think that this piece would work better as lyrics for a song.
With the "I want" being the 'hook'.

Johanna
a.k.a. Femmetech Very Happy
Post Mon Dec 27, 2004 8:35 pm 
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scruples



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Long Island, NY 		[color=violet]On Be My Lover On The Side[/color]

 I have to admit this poem hits me in soft places.
Perhaps a girl had a piece of me on the side,
I would be annoyed with this poem.
And I think at least a third of us have had that happen to ourselves. Question

However, I like the imagery creating such sexual allure. Embarassed Arrow
It sounds tasty, but the premise behind it gets to me. But that's just me personally..you might be right on with the other gals. All in all though it was pretty nice. Laughing
Post Sun Feb 04, 2007 12:46 pm 
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