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One Last Time

 LifeVita6
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sandisong



Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2
 		One Last Time

 Let me lay my head between your legs
One last lovely time.
Let me feel your roughness against my cheek,
My nose, my tongue.
One last hungry time.
Let me run my hands over your hips, your waist, your breasts.
One last fucking time before you leave.
Post Tue May 15, 2007 4:21 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny

sandi,

Welcome to mels and thank you for posting Smile

Well...
You the makings of a very nice erotic poem...
It is a little rough and could use a little refining but there is no mistaking the feelings in it Smile

Will get back to you with more a little later

Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow
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All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Post Tue May 15, 2007 6:10 am 
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Cavewoman



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby

"one last fucking time"

cool line.... lousey moment... but yeah, been there.........................
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" The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Post Tue May 15, 2007 8:07 am 
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smart_cookie



Joined: 12 Aug 2006
Posts: 2310
Location: USA

The raw emotion is excellent. Only the rhythm is off. Try counting the syallables in each line and then establish a pattern. It will flow better.

Arrow

Cookie
Post Tue May 15, 2007 8:23 am 
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sandisong



Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2

Thanks for the encouragement. I've never written poetry before but your comments make me want to try.
Post Wed May 16, 2007 2:55 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny

sandi,

Keep writing it will only get better and sometime you might want to check your PM

Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow
_________________
All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Post Sun Jun 10, 2007 5:03 pm 
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted

quote:
Originally posted by sandisong:
Thanks for the encouragement. I've never written poetry before but your comments make me want to try.


Not bad at all considering you've never written poetry before!

lol...you should've seen my first attempt! I cringe...

you keep going girl... Very Happy
Post Mon Jul 09, 2007 6:51 am 
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Rose



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3

This is great though it's definitely screaming for a regular 5-beat ... that would be on the way to iambic pentameter which would also need 10 syllables per line but i wouldn't focus on that yet .. rhythm is what would make this shine!
Post Thu Aug 02, 2007 3:04 pm 
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