Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 245
Location: Mountains of Utah
New and in need of assistance.
While mindlessly working today, I was struck with a sledgehammer... so to speak. I HAD to write, there was nothing else to do. So I wrote, but it feels fragmented. Nothing more was forthcoming from my muse, so I pray you folks can assist. What are your thoughts of the following...?
Time travels fast
look ahead, not past.
Follow the Road at hand:
Take every fork, every Bend.
Never turn from
Journies won.
Happy souls Dance
when Harmonies chance
a meeting with Heart;
Take the path, be a part
of Life. Try the world -
Make It Sure.
Is it complete as is, or does another out there have the ending to match?? _________________ Until next we meet...
It is actually a nice poem as it is but I cannot resist thinking about how I would have written this poem.
It looks like you were rhyming the first two couplets of each stanza and while the second couplet does not perfectly rhyme I can live with it as it is because it would not be easy to come up with something that holds the same meaning and maintain a perfect rhyme. If you wished to change the wording you could better accomplish a more perfect rhyme.
The capitalization of words within the lines is a very nice way to give them more emphasis. That is nicely done.
“Journies” is not spelled correctly it should be “Journeys”.
Overall it is a rather nice poem.
Hugs,
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Wed Feb 14, 2007 3:52 am
SharayaKai
Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 245
Location: Mountains of Utah
I cannot believe I misspelled something! Thank you very much for taking the time to evaluate my offering. I wasn't actually Trying to do anything; the words just came, I wrote them. Looking at it from an objective view, you are correct that there is lack of perfect rhyme... however I am uncertain if perfect rhyme is needed.
As for how you would have written this, PLEASE share with me! I love to see others take something I've offered and reform it. Many times making it better than it began. I eagerly await your response.
BTW, Happy V-Day _________________ Until next we meet...
quote:Originally posted by SharayaKai: I cannot believe I misspelled something! Thank you very much for taking the time to evaluate my offering. I wasn't actually Trying to do anything; the words just came, I wrote them. Looking at it from an objective view, you are correct that there is lack of perfect rhyme... however I am uncertain if perfect rhyme is needed.
As for how you would have written this, PLEASE share with me! I love to see others take something I've offered and reform it. Many times making it better than it began. I eagerly await your response.
BTW, Happy V-Day
SharayaKai,
Here is something I just came up with
Time…
It travels by so fast
Always looking forward
Never looking to the past
Follow the road ahead, every twist and turn
Through darkened moon or bright sun
Never look away from journeys…
Won
Dance…
To the harmony of meeting hearts
Was it chance or fate, is this were it all
Starts
Life…
Is something to be a part
With the one who belongs to your
Heart
There are many others that could be made but this is what came to mind at this time
Hugs,
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Last edited by Eiregirl on Sat Feb 17, 2007 3:43 am; edited 1 time in total
Thu Feb 15, 2007 4:31 am
SharayaKai
Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 245
Location: Mountains of Utah
Wild Applause!!
Oh my Gawd!! That was WONDERFUL! I told you most times others make my stuff better. I love it. The theme is the same, yet incredibly deeper than it began. I reached for a thought of union with Life and learning from each journey and yet you incorporated Love on the walk, making the journeys (see I can learn ) more meaningful, deeper, truer for the travelling. Brava!! Please, I implore, if ever you find another writ of mine you can improve upon, by all means at your disposal, do kindly so!!
_________________ Until next we meet...
Fri Feb 16, 2007 1:12 am
Sunny
Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 245
Location: Mountains of Utah
As per your request
This will be the first public reading of this poem. Be gentle, but honest, please.
In rolling slumber, my body's composure,
tosses as if upon waves of the sea.
The darkness consumes, the Lightness resumes
it's ever coaxing of what I will be.
Torn by a desire, my body on fire,
I wander upon a tulmultuous shore.
Always seeking, but never reaping
the calm tranquilty I had before.
Then out of the mist, comes one I resist.
Her love to me she'll impart.
How is it that she always knows what I need
to lighten the load on my heart?
Her hand she extends, to her will I do bend,
as she molds and creates something new.
With gentle caresses, my soul she undresses,
bringing hidden places to view.
Words kindly spoken, a heart that is broken
she takes with loving care.
A song awakens, my breath is taken
as for her, my dreams fill the air.
With the world behind, one heart and mind;
a bond formed in the Beginning.
We walk together, loving forever
upon the landscape e'erchanging.
_________________ Until next we meet...
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I cannot believe I misspelled something! Thank you very much for taking the time to evaluate my offering. I wasn't actually Trying to do anything; the words just came, I wrote them. Looking at it from an objective view, you are correct that there is lack of perfect rhyme... however I am uncertain if perfect rhyme is needed.
