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Poetry Forum Index -> Free Verse

just a rant f

LifeVita6
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Jesika



Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 21
just a rant f

Memories seen to rush through my bones like a cold wind... chilling my heart with the knowledge that they never will be again...my love has left me and taken my desire to live with her... why am i still here you ask, well the truth is, I dont know the answer to that... maybe it is the vain hope that one day i will look through my window and there she'll be, waiting for me... beckoning me into her powerful arms... maybe i am just lost in my memories of her... all the first times, all the kisses and wishes and promises that now seem to pocess the dimness that wounded bird bestows upon ones heart...
staring into their cold eyes, trying to find a glimpse of the past, has become my desire now... but all i am rewareded with is this pretty void that they now hold... do they know how mean they are? or could it be me? Am I that cold, am I that mean...
Am I that lost?

The dream that portrays all of humanity as innocent and good has become a joke to me now... for where is the good? where is the innocence? i lost my innocence at the age of thirteen... my magic garden of happiness and faith wilted with the realization that fairy tales are lies... and dreams are only the products of minds who pocess a glimpse of freedom; freedon of the heart and soul... my heart and sould do not know the meaning of dreams... and my eyes have only caught the colors of freedom once, a very long time ago... but sometimes it is found that the shackles of burden and the chains of denial keep ones freedom imprisoned, buried deep within the shadows and drowned in the dirty mud puddles of a road to often traveled with the wonderers of despair...
I am a wonderer of despair...

everyday i see a world of routine, a world with no excitement... there is nothing when you are alone... and i have always been alone in my spirit... in my mind... i can be in a room full of people and still feel the chill of sadness knowing that they do not know me, for i am only a muted fixture in a world filled with bright and beautiful people... i am there but never seen... never yearned for...
I yearn for everyone...

someone once told me that it is those who help others the most, who are hiding thier loneliness... i have loved and cared for more than my share of people who have labeled me as not worth their time... not worthy of their eyes to look at... or their fingers to touch... you learn to numb the pain of someone shrugging you off when the night before you held their hair while they were sick... when you covered them with a blanket in the middle of the night and looked down at them, brushing aside their hair and thinking to yourself; "i miss you... we used to be friends... what happened? i love you, yet i hate you all the same..." and you know that if you were in their position they wouldnt give you a second thought... they would rather you rot in a ditch than hold your hand... why do i do it? why do i care?
Can anyone know?

everyday i think of all i had and what i lost... but why i lost it and the reprocussions the came with loseing everything are of two different values... i lost everything because i was so sad... my desperation made me numb and blind...and i wasnt granted a friend who could see past that and still love me... no, i was granted a girlfriend who thought it was all ridiculous...who tried everything in her power to make me change, ultimately using guilt ridden letters and messages to relay the fact that i was a horrible person... and to me, whose face was burning from crying and whose arms were scarred from cutting, she was right... i tried to be happy for her, but it was too much...to much effort for someone whose soul was starving for something i could not find... ans still, to this day cannot find... i have no doubt in my mind that she didnt love me... but she just didnt know how to deal with someone who was teetering, teetering on the edge of something much greater than someone my age should have knowledge of... the consequences of losing everything i once had, is more than the pain of losing it... i have been labeled a bitch because i couldnt lauigh when others could... i was segregated because i couldnt make fun of other people the way the could... i couldnt be happy, carefree and naive like them...they had no concept of pain and torment... no ultimate dream of how they're funeral should be and what they're goodbye letter should say and who should get what of your possessions to remember you by (or at least you hope they'd remember you)... some people would count it as a blessing that they were not like those other people... that they would rather be different than be in a group who didnt have names, only the priveledge of being "the group"... but i wanted to be one of them so bad... i hated being different... where is the uniqueness in wanting to die? where is the uniqueness in feeeling that your destiny is to be tragic... some people die to be known.. others die to be forgotten, and then there are those who die because they have too...

i have the potential to be a murderer.. i have the potential to be a very horrible person... and given the chance i would... but there is only one person that i would murder and torture... she is the one who has caused most of my suffering on an external level... and she will one day pay for everything she has done... i almost killed her once before, and if i had the chance -which i will either make myself or fate will determine -i will finish her once and for all... and with that, i will murder myself... i am prepared... does that make me a horrible monster? yes... it does... and everyday i live with this burden of wanting to kill someone... why has it gotten this bad? why have i let this happen? but it cant stop now, and i cant turn around... she just keeps pushing and pushing... a little bit each time... and she has no idea that shes playing with fire... and she wont know until i come for her and end it all.. people like her need to die... she has manged to kill my soul and heart and she has brought a lot of other people down along the way, but this time she has messed with the wrong person... i have sat in the corner long epough and kept my mouth closed with fear of her further torment, but no longer... i have had enough... and it will come when the time is right... she will die and there will be peace among humnity again... and i hope that the others like her will be wiped out as well... the world doesnt deserve any more trash...
A person can only be hurt so much...
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Smile now, Cry Later

Post Mon Jul 21, 2008 7:31 am 
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