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A martyr no more

LifeVita6
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted
A martyr no more

Love emotion
a magical force
an intensity of feeling
that left me with no notion
of reality
A powerful potion, it drugged me
at the source
of my own devotion

And when she left me
alone and distressed
it was no less appealing
to play martyr to this tragedy:
prone upon the altar
of her desertion- virgin sacrifice
to the goddess
of my youthful fantasy

Thus love's poison
paralyzed my heart
freezing my feelings
in a deadly season alone
until the return of reason
cast out the poison- raising me
from my altar
to find true freedom again

© 2006 Robynne


Last edited by desert-fish on Wed Nov 22, 2006 7:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Sun Sep 10, 2006 7:53 pm 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


As I tell everyone…
Disclaimer
For your information the following input by me is my own personal opinion and suggestions (after all that is what you wanted when you posted in this section of the forum).
My opinions/suggestions are offered as constructive criticism so take nothing I say personally since at times I may be blunt and to the point.
If changes are suggested everything possible will be done to maintain the integrity, meaning and intent of your work while changing as little as possible.
Only if it is absolutely necessary will drastic alterations in form and style be suggested by me.
You may freely use anything or nothing that I suggest…that is up to you.
Different people see things differently and this is how I see it.


Pale,

This is a wonderful poem that was well written and I like the message that is on the surface of the poem. The last two and a half lines sum that message up very well.

The rhyme scheme in the first stanza…excellent.
I liked the fact that you carried the internal rhyme in line six in each stanza…that was carried off very well.
The way you changed to another main rhyme from first stanza to the second stanza…smiles that was smooth.

But for me the last stanza did not hold up to the rhyme scheme you had set up in the previous two stanza’s

Your internal rhyme scheme in the sixth line of each stanza held up perfectly for me but your main rhyme which was perfect in the first two stanza’s in lines one, four and eight just didn’t do it for me in the last stanza with the words “poison”, “alone” and “again” and for me that is the only thing that detracts anything from this poem. I could buy off on it if you used another word to replace “alone” that had the “un” sound of poison or the “in” sound of again. In your defense you do have the word “reason” which does technically fit with “poison” and “again” but it is out of place with the scheme you had set up in the first two stanza’s.

All in all Pale…a very good poem.

Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow
_________________
All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.


Last edited by Eiregirl on Mon Sep 11, 2006 5:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Mon Sep 11, 2006 4:23 am 
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted


no need for the disclaimer!!!!
i really wanted somebody to rip some of my poems apart...
this one well...something just doesn't seem right...but I couldn't put my finger on it
it seems you have...I will mull over what you have said, and see if my poor brain can make sense of it!

Eire I really appreciate your input Exclamation

Post Mon Sep 11, 2006 10:37 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


quote:
Originally posted by pale mirage:
no need for the disclaimer!!!!
i really wanted somebody to rip some of my poems apart...
this one well...something just doesn't seem right...but I couldn't put my finger on it
it seems you have...I will mull over what you have said, and see if my poor brain can make sense of it!

Eire I really appreciate your input Exclamation


Pale you are very welcome.

I just noticed something with the freshness of a new day that I did not notice last night.

You could move "alone" from the end of line four to the start of line five.
Then use a thesaurus to replace "reason" in line five with a different word.

That would get you two thirds of the way there. Then all you would need to do is work on the last two and a half lines at most.

Thus love's poison
paralyzed my heart
freezing my feelings
in a deadly season alone
until the return of reason
cast out the poison- raising me
from my altar
to find true freedom again


Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow
_________________
All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.

Post Mon Sep 11, 2006 5:52 pm 
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


Pale,
My Disclaimer: I am a total amateur with no training and little experience writing poetry. So, feel free to use any of my suggestions if you like, but be certain I will take absolutely no offense if you choose to ignore them all together. Wink


I was just reading through the work you and Eire have been doing. I really love the message within this poem and the imagery is wonderful. I too love the rhyme scheme in the first two verses, but agree the third is still not hitting the mark. As I'm sure you already know rhyming with "poison" is an absurd challenge (I tried in a recent poem and ended up totally rewriting the line) . "Season" might give you a little bit more to work with. I've played around with this one for a bit and landed as follows:

Oh love's poisonous treason
paralyzing my heart
freezing my feelings
Alone in a deadly season
But I resisted the poison - fleeing
from my altar to find (or maybe... "in search of" or "seeking")
freedom’s beauty and reason


I'm not thrilled with the last line but I was trying to stay true to your message. You could also try:

Oh love's poisonous treason
paralyzing my heart
freezing my feelings
Left for dead without reason
But I resisted the poison - fleeing
from my altar to find
_______________ season. (you get to fill in the blank Very Happy )


Just my two cents Wink

Pale, you have a nearly finished beautiful write here and I have no doubt you'll find the words to pull it together gracefully.

Wishing you a delightful day! Exclamation
Sunny Cool
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:00 pm 
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted


no disclaimer necessary!!!!!! Laughing
will let it simmer for a while...in the mean time the old brain has moved on to other things...short little span of attentiom i have... Laughing

Post Wed Sep 27, 2006 7:21 pm 
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shane



Joined: 11 Aug 2004
Posts: 63


Pale,

I like the theme of your poetry, especially the self-empowerment that it speaks of. I am not much into the structure and rhyme schemes of poems, but it can help if the poem is less choppy. Letting the next lines after the first lines flow like continuous water so they seem like a sentence but not quite.
_________________
it just is...

Post Mon Oct 16, 2006 2:51 am 
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted


quote:
Originally posted by shane:
Pale,

I like the theme of your poetry, especially the self-empowerment that it speaks of. I am not much into the structure and rhyme schemes of poems, but it can help if the poem is less choppy. Letting the next lines after the first lines flow like continuous water so they seem like a sentence but not quite.


Point taken...I am ALWAYS interested in how people react to my writing...even if I don't always agree with them...if that's how it came accross to you, then that is a valid observation...thank-you for you input...I will think about it Very Happy

Post Mon Oct 23, 2006 8:04 pm 
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scruples



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Long Island, NY


Pale,

I am new to this sight so I must give you my honest opinion.
It was very entertaining, artful and musical. You have the gist of it all, yet you could smooth out some wording to make it look really professional.

Smile Exclamation Razz

Post Sun Feb 04, 2007 1:00 pm 
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smart_cookie



Joined: 12 Aug 2006
Posts: 2310
Location: USA


Disclaimer: I am currently living on a locked ward and believe myself to be a giant talking chicken named Matilda. I have broken into the nurses station with a fire axe and am taking the liberty of using their computer, and ingesting all of the drugs I can lay hands on.

Pale Mirage--

Your poems are the worst I have ever read. Well, wait. Seansun's are actually worse. Please don't write anymore. Do this as a service to mankind, your children, and your children's children.

If you feel that you really must continue to compose this rubbish, I can only offer one bit of advice: try to be more like that brilliant, amazing, insightful, magnificent smart_cookie_smart.

The police have arrived so I must close now. I have taken a CPR dummy as my hostage. Wish me luck!

--Matilda the giant talking chicken

Post Sun Feb 04, 2007 1:14 pm 
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted


quote:
Originally posted by smart_cookie_smart:
Disclaimer: I am currently living on a locked ward and believe myself to be a giant talking chicken named Matilda. I have broken into the nurses station with a fire axe and am taking the liberty of using their computer, and ingesting all of the drugs I can lay hands on.

Pale Mirage--

Your poems are the worst I have ever read. Well, wait. Seansun's are actually worse. Please don't write anymore. Do this as a service to mankind, your children, and your children's children.

If you feel that you really must continue to compose this rubbish, I can only offer one bit of advice: try to be more like that brilliant, amazing, insightful, magnificent smart_cookie_smart.

The police have arrived so I must close now. I have taken a CPR dummy as my hostage. Wish me luck!

--Matilda the giant talking chicken





That cookie person better watch out
The Cookie Monster is about!!!

Wink


Last edited by desert-fish on Mon Feb 05, 2007 9:47 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Mon Feb 05, 2007 8:42 am 
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted


quote:
Originally posted by scruples:
Pale,

I am new to this sight so I must give you my honest opinion.
It was very entertaining, artful and musical. You have the gist of it all, yet you could smooth out some wording to make it look really professional.

Smile Exclamation Razz


Scruples! thanx for your comments...I just couldnt get this one to work so I dumped it and movedon ...thanx for reading! Very Happy

Post Mon Feb 05, 2007 8:44 am 
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