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PAST AND PRESENT.

 LifeVita6
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sidders



Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 5
 		PAST AND PRESENT.

 I wrote this in 2002 and i was wondering if it was any good or not. So please comment on it.



Deepened stars i see
the thoughts i have now belong to me
treasured from the years that passed me by
my conception of life is somewhat
apart of you
in strangeways
you are my greatest friend of all
and my heart shines through the storm
the sun is out shining brighter than bright
and love falls from the flowers
petals sweep the paths
and love chases the life of those
who feel it
cast upon the stillness of it all
take a step back
and breathe it.

by sidders Exclamation
Post Fri Jan 19, 2007 7:26 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny

Deepened stars i see
the thoughts i have now belong to me
treasured from the years that passed me by
my conception of life is somewhat
apart of you
in strangeways
you are my greatest friend of all
and my heart shines through the storm
the sun is out shining brighter than bright
and love falls from the flowers
petals sweep the paths
and love chases the life of those
who feel it
cast upon the stillness of it all
take a step back
and breathe it.

Just so you know…the following is just my own personal opinion. It is meant only as constructive criticism so please do not take it personally.

I like the poem…it is good. To me it is about a very special person who holds a special place in your heart and in your life.
In the first three lines of the poem you tell how your thoughts of the past are yours to treasure.
In the fourth and fifth lines you are saying how your idea of life is separate from theirs.
In the sixth and seventh lines you acknowledge that this person is your greatest friend no matter what “conception” they have.
In the eight and ninth lines I see your heart shining through the storm of differences that may exist between you and your friend.
The rest of the poem tells me that love will lead the way down life’s path and that is should be breathed deeply.

That is my perception of your poem from my point of view.


Below are some additional thoughts and suggestions.

The first three lines…great…I like them but the fourth line made me think and ponder…did you perhaps mean “perception” instead of “conception”? This word is very important to the poem and the poems meaning. There is a subtle similarity which is why I chose “idea” to be the meaning behind “conception”.

Now we get to the fifth line which is rooted in the meaning of the fourth line…here I have to think and ponder again…especially when I look at the poem as a whole. I wonder if you meant “a part” instead of “apart”? Is your idea of life different (apart) than this other persons or is it similar (a part)?

Moving on to the sixth line…“strangeways” (unless intentionally written this way) should be “strange ways”.

The seventh line works good for me.

Line eight…this is just a pet peeve of mine…I don’t like starting a line with a conjunction unless there is no other choice. I would remove “and” but that is just me.

The ninth line…here I would either put a comma after “out” like this “out,” or I would remove the word.

The tenth line…same as eight…I would remove “and”.

The eleventh line is wonderful and move the poem along just fine.

Line twelve…refer to lines eight and ten.

Lines thirteen, fourteen and fifteen…I like them just fine

Line sixteen…here “and” works just fine…bet you thought I was going to suggest removing it didn’t you? LOL

I do like this poem. It has a tinge of sadness and longing to it along with a dash or two of love twisting throughout the poem. It is very nice.


Eiregirl Arrow
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All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Post Sat Jan 20, 2007 6:10 am 
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sidders



Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 5
 		poem

 hi there

thanks for honesty.
I wrote this about my best freind who helped me through a really bad rough patch some years ago, and she is australian so we live far apart. We did camp together back in 2001. Shes my inspiration to life.

x
Post Mon Jan 22, 2007 7:19 am 
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