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Any critique would be welcome...

 LifeVita6
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sparklyindigo



Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 32
 		Any critique would be welcome...

 The Living Dead

Can you tell me if I’m living
I feel nothing but my heart’s beating
I speak to you but you don’t hear me
I am here but you don’t see me

Used to hurt
But I don’t feel it
I have wounds
But I don’t feel them

Twisted dreams when I’m sleeping
I have nightmares when I’m awake
I can touch you from a distance
You don’t know that I am there

And I love you
But I can’t have you
Heart is there
My soul is dying

I am with you
You don’t know it
Arms around you
You don’t feel them

I keep waiting
Time goes on
Clock keeps ticking
Yet time stands still

I’m alive
But dead inside
Knowing I’m alone
Cause you can’t be here

And I cry
But there are no tears
Wish you could be there
For me

Wish you could be there
Only for me…..
Awaken my soul
And give me life

Make me whole again
Bring me back
Bring me back forever
Post Sun Oct 15, 2006 1:27 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny

As I tell everyone…
Disclaimer
For your information the following input by me is my own personal opinion and suggestions (after all that is what you wanted when you posted in this section of the forum).
My opinions/suggestions are offered as constructive criticism so take nothing I say personally since at times I may be blunt and to the point.
If changes are suggested everything possible will be done to maintain the integrity, meaning and intent of your work while changing as little as possible.
Only if it is absolutely necessary will drastic alterations in form and style be suggested by me.
You may freely use anything or nothing that I suggest…that is up to you.
Different people see things differently and this is how I see it.

From a glance…
Some people will read this poem and say…very nicely done…and it is a rather nice poem.
But it could be much much better if it had better transitions and/or more even line lengths.
You start the poem off by rhyming in couplets with your first stanza and then they are gone…what happened to them through the rest of your poem? Granted there is nothing wrong with that especially when you are working with a free verse type of poem it is just something that caught my eye.

There are poems written where each stanza can be set up in a way that each stanza is like a poem of its own. In a rough kind of way that is what I see here but generally when that is done there is something that I call “the ties that bind”. There should be something that ties each stanza to the following stanza and that is what in my opinion you have missing in the first half or so of this poem…there are just no ties that bind.

In more detail…
First stanza
The first line – is very good and works well to set the tone for the poem
The second line – you do not need the “s” on “heart’s” I suggest removing it
The third line – it can work as it is but a little revising along with line four is needed
The fourth line – as mentioned above this line and line three need revising as explained below

Lines three and four just don’t do it for me. Generally if your intent is to use a form of rhyming couplets you do not use the same word as your end rhyme back to back unless it is a form that calls for it. There are exceptions to this when you use the same word if that word has multiple meanings but in this case it does not.
Here is something you could do for lines three and four…
“I speak to you but you do not hear
You do not see me when I am near”

Second stanza…
There is no clear transition from the first stanza to the this one. I have to read to the third line of this stanza before I find a connection to the first stanza and it is a bit hazy.
The first line – “Used to hurt” lends itself to some possible interpretation. Leaving something open to a great deal of interpretation can be good or bad. I could write a entire page explaining that but in this case I see it as bad. You need to be more clear on “what” is being used to “hurt”. The transition from the first stanza to this one is not there. What would happen if we placed one small word in front of that line…“It used to hurt”. To me it looks much better.
The second, third and fourth lines I have no real problems with them after making that one small change to the first line of this stanza.

Third stanza…
Where is the transition between the second stanza and this one? What connects the two together?
The more I read and re-read this poem the more it looks like separate poems thrown together with nothing connecting them into one solid poem. It is still a good poem but it needs something to mesh it all together.
Overall this is a good stanza. You just need to make some changes to this stanza or the second stanza to tie them together. You need to make the poem flow along better…something to make the stanza’s transition from one to the next.

Fourth stanza…
We have the same problem…no noticeable transition
Fix the transition between the third stanza and this one
The first line here seems out of place…change that first line from “And I love you” to “My heart is there with you”. Now we have a workable first line to this stanza that ties into the third stanza.
The second line looks decent enough so we can keep it
The third line – needs some work done on it or just one word added to the end of the line “while” and that will lead into the fourth line much better
The fourth line is fine after adding “while” to the end of the third line…
“Heart is there while
My soul is dying”

Fifth stanza…
Ahhh finally what seem like a small connection from the fourth stanza to the fifth.
We could do a little rewording to make that connection stronger…but at this time of night we can live with it.
For now we will leave this stanza alone.

Sixth stanza…
Another inkling connection…things are looking up
I like this stanza by the way

Seventh stanza…
If we changed “I’m alive” to something like “I feel I’m alive” we would have a stronger transition (connection) from the sixth stanza.

Eight stanza…
Remove “And” from the first line.

Ninth stanza…
Add the word “To” to the third line making that line read “To awaken my soul”

Tenth stanza…
Is fine as it is

It is late here and I will look this over again tomorrow and may add a few comments or apologize for a stupid suggestion because of tiredness.
Overall you have a nice poem here and in my opinion all you need to do is make a few minor changes to bring it all together as one solid poem and that would make it a much nicer poem and much easier to read.
Fix the transition between the second and third stanza’s and make the other changes I suggested then read your poem and tell me what you think of it
One of the things you may want to look at is the way you started the poem…it appeared you intended to have a rhyming pattern but you never used that pattern anywhere else in the poem…again there is nothing wrong with that…it is just something that caught the eye…which at times can be a good thing Smile
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All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Post Tue Oct 17, 2006 10:22 am 
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