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Poetry Forum Index -> Request feedback

I am not a writer (first draft)

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ms.deidre



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 52
Location: Arlington, Va
I am not a writer (first draft)

Instead I have green lizzards pinned to my ears,
black butterfly wings clipped to the back of my head,
and a prayer group to lift me up. 'Ask God all things
through prayer and supplication.' What do i write now?
Yearnings for the divine feminine like 1000 little beagles
that won't leave or allow me to step over them, waiting
for a scritch behind the ear. They are too adorable to resist.
I *must* pick them up and let them lick my face,
hold them against my breast and kiss the tops of their heads,
lift up one ear and whisper, 'i love you best' and hope
none of the others hear. Ugh! Where is the poetry in that?
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Last edited by ms.deidre on Thu Sep 07, 2006 10:22 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Thu Sep 07, 2006 1:56 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


twitches nose... Neutral hmmm

I actually kind of like this just the way it is...especially toward the end.

"Where is the poetry in that?"

There is poetry in everything.

This is your first draft...and you have it here in the request feedback area of the board...
So now I must ask...what kind of feedback would you like...
Do you want to continue on along the same lines as what you have written which is a free flowing style or are you wanting to put it into a more traditional type of format or perhaps you are wanting to simply arrange what you have into something that better says what you are wanting to say...

The more I read it the more it grows on me...can feel those beagles licking my face...maybe you should add another 901 of them Wink

Eiregirl Arrow
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All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.

Post Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:33 am 
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ms.deidre



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 52
Location: Arlington, Va


Well, i added another 900 but am adamant about going higher...don't want it to seem too imposible.

Any feedback is fine. I don't do form though...

-Deidre
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Post Thu Sep 07, 2006 10:25 am 
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Jules



Joined: 22 Feb 2005
Posts: 904
Location: Home


I too like it just the way it is...You created a visual here, there is something to be said for that.
Good job, I would like to see more.
Jules
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Post Fri Sep 08, 2006 1:38 am 
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ms.deidre



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 52
Location: Arlington, Va


Thanks Jules. Wink

-Deidre
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Post Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:57 am 
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