Joined: 12 Feb 2006
Posts: 964
Location: here ... with her <3
She Hurts
As some know, I recently have reconnected with my mom. It's been a whirlwind couple of months ..... getting to know her again. She's been through so much through that last year. Anyhow, I want to write something for her ...... so I am humbly asking for some assistance from the great writers here at Mels. Thank you so much! Lots of hugs ... Lem
She feels the weight of the world on her shoulders
So many things seem to be coming at her at once
She struggles to heal physically
One step forward
Then ten steps back
She continues to pray each day
For peace and guidance
What is my purpose?
Where is my life taking me?
Am I doing something wrong?
I see a very strong woman
A woman who has been through so much
And yet seems to come out even stronger
People treat her like dirt
Family turns away from her
Yet here she is
Helping others the best she can
With no concern for herself
But now it is time .......
Time to think of you first
Take care of yourself
Do things for yourself
Time to heal yourself
inside and out.
So stop
Take a moment
Listen
To your heart
Do what you have to
As all that matters
In the end is
That you are
......................
happy.
I couldn't seem to get this to flow smoothly ...... but this is the basic thoughts I want to share with her. I just want her to know that through it all, I am here for her. So change the form, the words, whatever. I just want it right for her. Thank you again so much!!!!!
_________________
"No smile is more beautiful than one that has struggled through the tears"
~Unknown
Sun Jul 02, 2006 6:24 pm
Fernanda.F.Rocha
Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Posts: 1392
Location: Portugal
lemons,
I cant comment about the technical part of the poem because I have no knowledge for that but I found Your poem very touching, very sweet... loved reading it _________________ "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are" - Anais Nin.
Wed Aug 30, 2006 9:40 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
I see the world's burden
you carry
your tired shoulders
ceaselessly
pushing the darts
your parts
forward a bit
to never lose balance
on the inevitable backslide.
Always, the questions roam
unanswered
searching
purpose, directions
validation..
I see your eyes
dropped gaze and chin
quickly grimmace and swallow
then
smile to meet
the next seeker's
need.
I see you give everything
your anything
and more
returning home
slow in the distance
tired, spent.
Raise your gaze
to mine... _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Wed Aug 30, 2006 11:38 pm
MichaelFirewalker
Joined: 22 Aug 2006
Posts: 97
Location: Seattle
lemons----your soul pours out, to her and to us, a powerful compassion that is likely the deepest motivator of your life----you are greatly blessed to have such a gift to give----I will paraphrase your poem, in parentheses, and in between it lines:
She feels the weight of the world on her shoulders
[the weight of the world pulls her shoulders down]
So many things seem to be coming at her at once
[too much happening at once]
She struggles to heal physically
[as she struggles to heal]
One step forward
[good line]
Then ten steps back
[ten steps back]
She continues to pray each day
[she prays for peace and guidance]
For peace and guidance
[each day]
What is my purpose?
[what is my purpose]
Where is my life taking me?
[where am I going]
Am I doing something wrong?
[am I doing it all wrong]
I see a very strong woman
[good line]
A woman who has been through so much
[who's been through too much]
And yet seems to come out even stronger
[and yet becomes stronger]
People treat her like dirt
[good line]
Family turns away from her
[family turns her away]
Yet here she is
Helping others the best she can
With no concern for herself
But now it is time .......
[good verse]
Time to think of you first
[time to think of yourself]
Take care of yourself
[care for yourself]
Do things for yourself
[provide for yourself]
Time to heal yourself
[heal yourself]
inside and out.
[good]
So stop
Take a moment
Listen
To your heart
[all good lines]
Do what you have to
[do what you must]
As all that matters
[all that matters]
In the end is
[good]
That you are
[ a happy you]
........happy.
[delete last line]
I have written and rewritten this one a few times...and I think I did a wonderful job (biased opinion of course) but in my heart I can't do it for you because I know and feel that what she would love more than anything is to hear it in your own words and what you have written is beautiful. I will suggest that you rewrite it as though you were speaking TO her and not ABOUT her.
Here is an example of what I mean...using your first three stanza's
You have the weight of the world on your shoulders
Everything coming at you all at once
While you struggle to heal while your world moves
One step forward then ten steps back
All along you pray each day for peace and guidance
Asking…what is my purpose?
Where is my life taking me?
Am I doing something wrong?
A strong woman you are
A woman who has been through so much
Each time coming out stronger than before
To be treated as dirt you do not deserve
For a Queen is what you are
If you wish to use the above are you free to do so...but I will leave the rest of the poem to you.
Hugs you tight and much love,
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Sat Sep 02, 2006 11:22 pm
lemons
Joined: 12 Feb 2006
Posts: 964
Location: here ... with her <3
thank you ...... to each of you for your thoughts & the time you took to help me revise this for my mom. Each of you said exactly what I was trying to do ... just never quite sure how to get it out "right". I will be working on this again & revising this using all your ideas.
thanks again .... I truly appreciate it!!
Lem _________________
"No smile is more beautiful than one that has struggled through the tears"
~Unknown
quote:Originally posted by lemons:
thank you ...... to each of you for your thoughts & the time you took to help me revise this for my mom. Each of you said exactly what I was trying to do ... just never quite sure how to get it out "right". I will be working on this again & revising this using all your ideas.
thanks again .... I truly appreciate it!!
Lem
You are very welcome
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Sun Sep 03, 2006 12:27 am
Xalia1 Moderators
Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love
Lem,
I loved your original write, simply because of it's feeling hun. And I'm sure she would feel the same. However, I do really like Eire's idea of writing it 'to' her. Beautiful idea, writing her this. She'll like it simply because it came from you. ((((((((Lem)))))))))))
Hugs,
Xalia _________________ Nobody said life would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it.
~♥♥~
~The words fail me.. because what I feel for you is beyond description...~
Sun Sep 03, 2006 4:40 am
Sunny
Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
Lemons,
So glad to see you in Feedback Forum Your poem is in my opinion as lovely a gift as you could possibly give to your mother. And regardless of how stylistically correct it is, your message is resounding. From a stylistic perspective, since that's why you're here, I'm in total agreement with Eire and Xalia. Writing this "to" her rings even more heartfelt.
May you find all the words you seek to express all that you feel
lemons----it just occurred to me, after reading your gracious response to all of us, that in some magical way, because of your sharing, we have all been allowed to care for your mom a little bit too----how precious that is...
Michael
Mon Sep 04, 2006 1:53 am
lemons
Joined: 12 Feb 2006
Posts: 964
Location: here ... with her <3
Michael,
Thank you so much!!
Lemons _________________
"No smile is more beautiful than one that has struggled through the tears"
~Unknown
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