I think that your reconstruction reads very smoothly. I don’t think that I specifically said this, but your original was really very good and that made it quite easy to work with. I hope that as you worked through the other verses you found that to be true.
Eriegirl has again taken the time and raised many good and valuable points for you to consider including the question of the use of the word “shame” versus “fame”. In re-thinking this dilemma, I still think fame denotes a positive image. However, shame doesn’t exactly denote infamy, so maybe neither one is a perfect fit. Perhaps this works better …
A dragon burning beneath the surface deep,
Alive with a fire, but immune to its flame,
Devouring all hopes and scorching all dreams,
While basking in joy of destruction’s ill-fame.
I think you’re doing exceptionally well and are a saint for allowing yourself to be exposed to my shameful second guessing.
As far as shame or fame...in all honesty it does not really matter...it is just my preference that if shame is used it needs to be more clear whether or not it is the dragons shame or those the dragon devours. I am just one of those people who does not like confusion within a poem unless it is designed into the poem.
This is just one of those points where there can be different correct opinions which is based on perspective and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe kick both shame and fame out and use game but not ill-fame
Hugs,
Eiregirl
For you Sunny that is a wonderful write.
For this particular poem I am done and like Happier said...there is not much more we can do with this one...after all no poem is perfect.
Until the next poem I am off.
Hugs,
Eiregirl
Mon Jul 24, 2006 7:40 pm
Sunny
Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
Happier and Eire,
Thank you both so sincerely for your wonderful guidance and advice through this delightful process
I think I may have resolved the shame/fame dilemma - The dragon is now scorching pride which I think directs the reader to the victim when shame is introduced in the 4th line. I contemplated "game" as well, but struggled to make it fit the context... I made a few other changes in word selection and punctuation to smooth out the read and think for now I too will tuck this one aside and perhaps revisit it with fresh eyes on down the road... I must admit, though, Eire's comment that "no poem is perfect" flies in the face of my perfectionistic tendencies
I've learned so much from this experience and have really enjoyed the discussions regarding your thought processes as you've critiqued my work. I'm amazed how writing poetry has changed how I look at even the most mundane objects and how my internal thought processes are influenced as well. It's intense at times, but so refreshing - it's as if my thoughts have gone from black & white to color. Input from Mel's has been incredibly instrumental in pushing me to continue to explore poetry and my writing abilities. So, I'll continue to write and learn.
Many hugs to you both
Sunny
THE DRAGON HUNTER
A dragon burning beneath the surface deep,
Alive with a fire, but immune to its flame.
Devouring all dreams and scorching all pride,
While basking in joy of destruction and shame.
.
The dragon will surface for regular feasts.
Immobilizing with a soul-searing gaze,
Then, with remarkable prowess and mastery,
The dragon sets its helpless victim ablaze.
One rarely sees this evil serpent within,
Hidden, invisible, to much of this world.
The dragon guards its coveted treasures,
Intent and determined, no truth be unfurled.
This merciless foe dissuades most from battle,
Its powers so dreaded, its instincts so keen.
The fainthearted run, when faced by the dragon,
Their abandoned truths, remain yet to be seen.
But struggling with fears, and wishing to hide,
A brave dragon hunter defied such retreat.
Armed with a sword and an arrow-filled quiver,
Driven to battle, she’d concede no defeat.
The hunter plunged deep within the gloomy lair,
Intent upon slaying this merciless one.
Surrounded by darkness, direction amiss,
The hunter soon wondered, had her days all run...
But her eyes did adjust, more clearly she saw,
The dragon’s dark shadow, off in the distance.
Shining gold-gilded wings and mirror-like scales,
Dispelled the hunter’s doubts, of its existence.
As she gathered her thoughts and planned her assault,
The dragon just stared, a mild-mannered creature.
She gazed at its scales and spied her reflection,
The demon transformed, a mystical teacher.
Revealed in its mirrors, her truths were now clear,
No longer concealed, the soft heart she so feared.
As the dragon’s treasures were slowly exposed,
Tenderness surfaced, and compassion appeared.
Drawn by the depths of this serpent’s dark secrets,
The hunter found mercy, and love for the beast.
She conquered the dragon with hope and with faith,
As her hurt, blame and shame, so gently released.
As the two shared, a metamorphosis bloomed.
Haunting demons turned to doves, shadows to lights.
Both grew acquainted with their fears and their strengths,
And each found more love, as days became nights.
I think that this exercise was an interesting learning experience for all of us. Watching the creative progression and transformation of your original poem was truly exciting. Your poem turned out beautifully, and you were really wonderful to work with.
The perfect poem??? Perfect is a truly relative (and over-rated) state and being a frustrated perfectionist myself, I find the world to be a maddening place. I think we all strive to do our very best work whenever and with whatever we are writing. But, like love, great poetry doesn’t age but continues to be meaningful and inspiring years and even centuries after it was written.
I know it is near impossible for me to look back at my own work and not find things I would like to change. Does that diminish the true value of a poem written ten years ago? I don’t think so. Time and experience color our perception and, hopefully, as writers we continue to grow. But, we are, none of us, perfect and perhaps it is our imperfections that contribute to our uniqueness and the uniqueness of our work.
So, just continue to do your best work and when you need a helping hand or a little encouragement, you know where to come. As for that Creative Writing course you now wished you had taken in college, it was the one course that that I seriously came close to failing. The instructor saw my work one way and, of course, I did not agree. Thus, the danger inherent to critiquing someone else’s work.
So,
Dragon Hunter
is a poem you should be proud and I was happy to have played a small role in helping you.
~Blue~
Wed Jul 26, 2006 4:27 am
Sunny
Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
(((Blue))),
Thanks for your thougtful reflections and the big part you've played with
Dragon Hunter
. I'm now contemplating taking a creative writing course over the summer, but fear that the instructor could make or break the experience. Still pondering and feeling greatful for all that I continue to experience here at Mel's. Wishing you a wonderful day
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