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Life Is At The End

LifeVita6
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AzNativeBaller



Joined: 19 Apr 2006
Posts: 266
Location: Di'ne Nation
Life Is At The End

I wonders sitting at my table
will anyone understand
the pain that flows through my body
my tears falling one by one
making my world turn
sitting on the edge of life
should have i gone instead
the questions ask in my mind
where do i fall and cry
how is there a way to go
without notice i've gone


Poetry tells a lot of something
Does it fix the problem in life
Where have I gone now???

Post Sun Jun 18, 2006 6:34 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


As I tell everyone…
Disclaimer
For your information the following input by me is my own personal opinion and suggestions (after all that is what you wanted when you posted in this section of the forum).
My opinions/suggestions are offered as constructive criticism so take nothing I say personally since at times I may be blunt and to the point.
You may freely use anything or nothing that I suggest…that is up to you.
Different people see things differently and this is how I see it.


When I give feedback on a poem I tend to take the poem and edit it line by line. I try not to change anymore than I feel is necessary while doing my best to keep the original writers meaning and intent of the poem as intact as possible.

What you wrote is nice though a little ambiguous in places so if a little clarity and a few other minor changes were made lets see what we could have.

Line one change “wonders” to “wonder”. (This lets it flow better as it is read)

Line two move “the pain” from line three to the end of line two and add a comma. (What we are doing here is giving “pain” more of a central focus and with the comma at the end we create a pause in the reading that leads to “pain” in the next line)

Line three make the word “pain” the first word of the line. (This ties lines two and three together like they were mixed together in concrete and it adds emphasis to the pain you feel)

Here if we add a blank line we can separate the poem in an area were there seems to be a natural break and as the next stanza is read it will be easily seen how they tie together and the poem continues to flow.

Line four we will remove the first three words “my tears falling” and add words that basically have the meaning and feelings but with clarity “From my eyes they fall”. (This adds a little focus and brings the reader more into the poem “my” as I read that word it brings the focus to “me”. Also by adding these words “From my eyes they fall” even though in the back of the readers mind they know what falls from your eyes there is that need to know for certain and that need to read the next line.

Line five we will remove the word “making” from the beginning of this line and add “the pain flows from my eyes,” and the second part of the line will pretty much be what you already had “my world turns,”. (Doing this will help tie the first stanza we created to this stanza as well as add a little connection between lines four and five. While everyone who reads our line four will be thinking “tears” then when they read the first part of line five they will see that we gave those tears feeling and emotion and they will feel that emotion. At the end of this part of the line we added a comma to indicate a pause before the next section of the line is read and also create a little connection between the “pain” and your “world” and by using the comma we also create a little separation as we move on to the next line and into the next stanza but we also maintain that connection within the poem and the comma at the end of the line helps connect the next line)

Line six we will remove the word sitting and add “as I sit here”. (The only reason we changed anything in this line was to keep and provide flow within the poem. To maintain the movement from line to line and stanza to stanza. Doing this helps the reader stay interested and keeps that interconnection within the poem. In this instance the reader sees you (or themselves) sitting on the edge of life as your world turns in pain…while they read “the pain flows from my eyes, my world turns, as I sit here on the edge of life”

“As I sit here on the edge of life” I kinda like that…maybe I will use it sometime in the future if you don’t mind.

To me a part of writing poetry is making the reader feel what I feel. The words on the page do not have to be the words they read but the feelings and emotions of those words have to be understood and felt to create the picture in their mind that I want them to see because I want them to feel my feelings and emotions. Its ok if the poem has a different meaning to them than what it means to me as long as they get the feelings and emotions I put into the poem. I do not want them to struggle through what I write in order to understand or bring their own understanding to it.

Moving on to line seven…up to this point I was able to understand (hopefully anyway) what you were saying and the meaning of the words you wrote. But here is were it all started to fall apart for me because prior to this line I see no connection leading to this line “should have i gone instead” I believe you were meaning to say “should I have gone instead” or maybe “I should have gone instead”. Instead of what? Instead of who? Should have gone where? Sometimes it is ok to throw something like this into a poem to make a person think and give them choices in what direction they want to take as they read the poem but when almost half of the poem is that way (from line seven on in this case) it only detracts from the poem…at least for me it only detracts from it.

As I started rearranging your words for line seven I think I stumbled across what you were trying to say…at least I hope I did because I do not want to take anything away from what this poem means to you.

Line seven we will change from “should have i gone instead” to “should I have gone instead,” (While there is nothing wrong with what you wrote for this line especially when we establish meaning for it with the following lines I changed it mainly for grammatical reasons)

Line eight we will change from “the questions ask in my mind” to “this question I ask in my mind”. (this line ties into line seven as well as the next line to come.

Line nine we will change from “where do i fall and cry” to “where can I fall and cry my tears”. (This not only connects with lines seven and eight it also provides an interconnection with the previous stanza’s)

Line ten we will leave as is except we will capitalize the letter “H” in how and add a comma at the end to help tie this line to the next “How is there a way to go,”. (This line has a small connection with the previous stanza that can be built upon with the following lines)

Line eleven we will change from “without notice i’ve gone” to “to go without notice, from this world of pain,”. (the words “to go without notice,” provides the connection to the previous line and the comma gives a slight pause before we read “from this world of pain,” and these words tie this stanza to the rest of the poem)

Line twelve wraps it all up. All that was done here is take the last two words of your line eleven and created a twelfth line that wraps it all up with two simple words and a few dots. The dots that start line twelve just give a slight moment of pause before reading “I’ve gone”.

What we started with is…

I wonders sitting at my table
will anyone understand
the pain that flows through my body
my tears falling one by one
making my world turn
sitting on the edge of life
should have i gone instead
the questions ask in my mind
where do i fall and cry
how is there a way to go
without notice i've gone

What we end up with is…

I wonder sitting at my table
will anyone understand the pain,
pain that flows through my body

From my eyes they fall one by one,
the pain flows from my eyes, my world turns,
as I sit here on the edge of life

Should I have gone instead,
this question I ask in my mind,
where can I fall and cry my tears

How can there be a way to go,
to go without notice, from this world of pain,
…I’ve gone.

What you wrote was ok although ambiguous especially ambiguous in the last five lines it just all seemed a little raw and unfinished. What I wrote is not much better but all I did was try to take each of your lines and bring your meaning to the forefront (at least that was my intention) without taking away from your poem or adding anymore meaning to it that was not already there.

The last five lines of what you wrote was very hard and very difficult to understand and give meaning to. I know that in your mind the connection is there but on the page it was not.

Now I would like your thoughts on my criticism of your poem. HEHEHE critique the critic LOL.

Eiregirl Arrow


Last edited by Eiregirl on Mon Jun 19, 2006 3:46 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Sun Jun 18, 2006 7:47 pm 
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AzNativeBaller



Joined: 19 Apr 2006
Posts: 266
Location: Di'ne Nation


Eire,
thanks for your responds..
i appreciate it i never got a
respond like yours. thanks
for all you said...
'az

Post Mon Jun 19, 2006 3:01 am 
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Cavewoman



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby


1. I ditto Eire's suggestions with regard to grammar
2. edit, edit, edit
3. roll the idea, pain around in various combinations
4. I came up with this understanding of your poem by doing all the above.

Pain floods my thought
tears flow
who understands me...
Sitting at my table
the edge of life
questioning...
Should I have gone?
Instead
life turns unnoticed
wondering...
where to go
fall
cry ...
Is there a way?


These are not my thoughts so my translation may not be what you mean to say. But as you can see with rearrangement of words and expression, many meanings can be drawn.
_________________
" The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews

Post Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:03 pm 
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