I'm interested in getting some feedback on my poetry as I've only just started to let people read my work, so any comments will be gratefully received
Here goes .....
Synchronic
Alone, it all makes sense to them
but together they fall out of time,
like an old clock which fell behind and was no longer of use to anyone.
The chimes stopped working.
They fell silent like a small voice during the night
which nobody can hear
because it isn’t there.
They cannot function together,
though independently they are on fire.
Burning with creative passion.
In the heat of the moment, nothing else matters.
A world of her own.
A cry is let out.
She turns around and sees her own image
staring back at her.
Together they fall out of time. _________________ "I never met a pearl quite like you who can shimmer and rot at the same time through"
Sat Apr 15, 2006 2:54 pm
DarkChyldesKiss Site Admin
Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 3381
Location: Inner Sanctum
Scottish poet,
I found this very interesting! The way you've used the clock to symbolize the sychronicity of people. The wheels that move and everything that depends on it if one should not function.
Is there a story behind this?
I'm not a huge critic but that's my two cents. It's an excellent write with alot of thought put into it. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
As I tell everyone…
Disclaimer
For your information the following input by me is my own personal opinion and suggestions (after all that is what you want and asked for).
My opinion/suggestions are offered as constructive criticism so take nothing I say personally since I may be blunt and to the point.
You may freely use anything or nothing that I have suggested that is up to you.
“Synchronic
Alone, it all makes sense to them
but together they fall out of time,
like an old clock which fell behind and was no longer of use to anyone.
The chimes stopped working.
They fell silent like a small voice during the night
which nobody can hear
because it isn’t there.
They cannot function together,
though independently they are on fire.
Burning with creative passion.
In the heat of the moment, nothing else matters.
A world of her own.
A cry is let out.
She turns around and sees her own image
staring back at her.
Together they fall out of time.”
I would have made the first stanza 4 lines instead of 3 by splitting the third line like this…
like an old clock which fell behind
no longer of use to anyone.
The single line and second stanza are good and work fine
The third stanza leaves kind of empty and thinking…huh
The fourth stanza is nice and I like it.
Work a little on that third stanza…
“They cannot function together,
though independently they are on fire.
Burning with creative passion.
In the heat of the moment, nothing else matters.
A world of her own.”
The problem I have with this stanza is mainly in the first two lines…
“They cannot function together,
though independently they are on fire.”
And my main concern here is…what or who are “they”
Hugs,
Eiregirl
Sun Apr 16, 2006 5:51 am
ghost
Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA
hi there
i thought it was a nice write, and would agree with eire's comments for the most part.
"they" are the same person, i think? the yin and the yang, ego and alter-ego?
would like to see some more of your poetry, scottishpoet.
regards
ghost _________________
MIA
Sun Apr 16, 2006 12:01 pm
ScottishPoet
Joined: 15 Apr 2006
Posts: 2
Location: Scotland
Thanks for the replies and comments! I was worried nobody would read it!!
Ghost, you're right - "they" are the same person. It's kind of like an internal struggle within someone and a battle with depression. I guess the inspiration behind this poem is taken from personal experience.
I'm really happy at the feedback you've all given me though so I'll post something again soon.
Thanks again _________________ "I never met a pearl quite like you who can shimmer and rot at the same time through"
Sun Apr 16, 2006 12:32 pm
ghost
Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA
depression can get really ugly if not seen to, scot. i speak from personal experience too here. sometimes that hole gets just too deep to get out of on your own. get help, if you havent already.
as for the rest... mels is filled with people with real compassion and understanding. hope you have a nice stay here with us.
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