This is my first poem on this site and I LUV ADVICE OR TIPS
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Virgo84
Joined: 21 Feb 2006
Posts: 4
Location: Ohio,USA
This is my first poem on this site and I LUV ADVICE OR TIPS
My poetry for you
The connection between friends, the bond that can never break
the connection between us I am afraid is at stake
not knowing if this invisible line is at risk of being crossed
wondering if on the other side my feelings would be lost
scared of my own emotions, afraid my feelings could be true
questioning if these thoughts are crossing your mind too
not knowing whether to follow my instinct or ignore my heart
telling myself over and over again we are better off apart
the questioning silence is killing me softly, yet your answer I most fear
now I realize who I've truly wanted has always been right here
always pondering the thought of how you and I could be
but still doubting if you would ever want to be with me
I am standing on the line, wondering what each side would mean
tangled up within my heart and the emotions in between
terrified of getting hurt but more scared to never know
if you feel the same emotions I am so hesitant to show
I am know letting down my guard, with every line I write, and hope to send
always knowing you may love another and I am just a friend
a risk I am willing to take by letting my heart speak loud and true
speak my words on this page, MY POETRY FOR YOU
Last edited by Virgo84 on Wed Feb 22, 2006 9:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
Now...
As I tell everyone…
Disclaimer
For your information the following input by me is my own personal opinion and suggestions (after all that is what you want and asked for).
My opinion/suggestions are offered as constructive criticism so take nothing I say personally since I may be blunt and to the point.
You may freely use anything or nothing that I have suggested that is up to you.
For the most part I would not change a lot but I do have a few suggestions and some grammar corrections for you to consider.
Line 3 consider changing the fourth word from “the” to “this”
Line 5 something about this line does not flow well…consider revising it
From “scared of my own emotions that what I am feeling could be true”
To something like “scared of my own emotions, afraid my feelings could be true”
Line 6 It would probably be ok the way it is but consider making it flow better
What would you think if you replaced these 4 words “the exact thought is”
With these words “these thoughts are”
Line 7 a misspelled word “wether” should be “whether” and I'm not sure about "instinct" but I think it will be ok.
Line 10 It is good as is but what would you think of replacing “now to realize” with “now I realize”?
Line 14 put a space between “in” and “between”
Line 17 “know” should be “now”
Line 19 put a space between “risk” and “I”
I think this poem says everything you want it to say. I feel it addresses your emotions and your fear without going overboard. It shows your willingness to take a chance on love and put it all on the line.
A really good heartfelt emotional poem.
I must be going now if I think of anything else I will post it here.
Eiregirl
Wed Feb 22, 2006 6:07 am
Virgo84
Joined: 21 Feb 2006
Posts: 4
Location: Ohio,USA
Thank you very much Eiregirl, I always love advice and pointers to enhance my work. Help with the grammar is always a must for me since it is one of my weak points lol! Well thanks for takin the time to read my poertry and for the critique and compliments on my art. Your corrections are very helpful and I will revise it, hope you check it out again to view your great editing skills lol!
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