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just depressed, feel free to ignore
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Since my interactions with other people is a huge stress i my life I am thinking about just not talking anymore. I did that for a year once. I found not talking made things less complicated.

Post Sun Sep 02, 2012 7:58 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


I have my first day of college tomorrow. I'm so nervous. I have sociology tomorrow. I went there today and found where the class rooms are, so that helps my anxiety somewhat. Still figuring out some things with financial aid but hopefully everything gets covered. At the moment I have no way to pay for books, hopefully I don't need them right away.

Post Tue Sep 04, 2012 10:07 pm 
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SexyKaz



Joined: 28 Jun 2009
Posts: 124


Good luck with your first day tomorrow and remember as my sociology professor used to say "the thing to remember in sociology is there are no right or wrong answers " Wink
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Post Wed Sep 05, 2012 8:36 am 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Good idea to check things out ahead of time. Good luck with your first Day hon, remember lots of deep breaths. It really does nelp with anxiety.



HugZ, MG
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Post Wed Sep 05, 2012 12:39 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Thanks, I'm so nervous. I'm glad I made it so I only have 1 class a day. I have 3 classes at the school and 1 online class. Mondays and Wednesdays I have introduction to sociology, Fridays I have intro to illustration and design and Saturdays I have fundamentals of drawing. My online class is college composition (an english 101 class). I purposely picked all classes that should be easy for me and the art and sociology classes I think i will actually enjoy. I have my first class at 2 today. I can't believe I am a student. I dropped out of high school at 16, went to college briefly then but dropped out (I was 17), so its been a decade since I have done the school thing.

Post Wed Sep 05, 2012 3:19 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Good so far! i think I am going to enjoy my sociology class. I also checked out my english class (online). My sociology professor seems to be really into it, so that will make class fun. And I finally got word that all my aid and loans came through so i can go get my books and stuff, yay.

Post Thu Sep 06, 2012 2:33 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Very Happy That is SUPER hon, you see, bit by bit, ever so slowly, you CAN do this. Im proud of you.



HugZ, MG
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Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:11 am 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Thanks:) Had my first art class today, my professor actually liked my quick drawing I did. I thought it was pretty bad, but guess not! We had 15/20 minutes to do a quick sketch of an object we found in the room, using charcoal, line only, no shading (could use line to create the look of shading though).

Post Sun Sep 09, 2012 1:16 am 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


So, school is kicking my butt hard core. I forgot how much work it is! I am moving onto the next phase soon in the chemical dependency group which is good. They are also going to get me in to see a psychiatrist about meds, instead of just getting prozac from my regular doctor. That should be good. Overall I think I am doing a bit better. Still have a lot of downs though, but I'm working towards getting better and just try to remind myself when I feel down that it will get better eventually, little by little.

I think I am slowly accepting that Robin and I will never be a thing. Its hard to do when I live with her, but slowly its happening. Again, some days are better than others on that front.

Another piece I drew for art class:


Post Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:25 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Nice work Meli. Well done with all you have achieved. I know it feels like slow going... cause it is. The right things are never easy. Somenthing I have learned to do for myself when I feel my progress is SO slow and I am not achieiving anything, I stop looking ahead at all I still have to do... and look behind me and see how far I have come. Do that and be PROUD of yourself.




HugZ, MG
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Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Tue Sep 25, 2012 12:39 am 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Thank you for all the encouragement, it is very much needed and appreciated!

Post Sat Sep 29, 2012 9:34 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


So, last week was bad. Well, one evening was bad. Robin kept talking to me about this girl she had dated in college, she was coming up here (is up here now). She basically was asking me questions about what I thought about it. This is after earlier in the day she was talking about how she missed having sex with this other person, and then talking about this girl she has been talking to online. I told her twice that I was not the person to be talking to about this. I told her that all I could say was that I loved her and so I wanted her to be happy, so if dating this person will make her happy then do it, if not then don't and that I'm not the one to talk to about it. When she started again after the second time I got up and left and went for a walk because I was upset (one that she is going to be dating someone else and the other because she wasn't respecting my boundaries, we later talked about it, she apologized and promised to be better). It was about 2 am. I was walking by a bunch of bars (no way not to) and a guy said a few things to me. I told him I wasn't interested and to leave me alone, turned to walk away. As I was walking away he grabbed me by the shoulder. I turned swinging, punched him in the face knocking him back a few steps. Then I got in his face and yelled at him to leave me the F alone and walked away. Well that upset me more, I ended up going for an approximately 8 mile walk. My hand ended up bruising pretty good and swollen (its mostly gone now).

A few days later Robin and I talked, I made clear my boundaries. I made it clear to her how I feel about her, that I know she doesn't feel the same way, but it is still how I feel. She apologized and said that since we are best friends she sometimes forgets that it is taking me longer than her to move away from that stuff. She said that she knows part of the problem is that she does have some of those feelings for me. I told her though that neither of us are healthy enough to be in a relationship anyway so even if she did magically come up to me and ask me to date I would tell her no right now. She is going to make an effort to not talk to me about her dating life. So that is good I guess.

Last night she went out with the girl. They spent the night somewhere else. I had told her if she was going to ever going to be here to let me know and I would go elsewhere, so they made arrangements with another friend. I spent a good portion of the night crying into my pillow.

I feel scared (I have a ton of trauma in my past already and that incident just brought it all back up) and upset, rejected, incredibly sad. I know its ridiculous to feel the way I do since I would tell her no even if she did want to date right now (which she doesn't). I honestly do love her, that is why I would tel her no. I'm not healthy enough to have a healthy relationship (and to be honest she isn't either) and she means to much to me to do that. But i still feel this way.

Post Tue Oct 02, 2012 4:11 pm 
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PipSqueak



Joined: 04 Jul 2008
Posts: 987
Location: S.W. England


I'm a lil bit drunk so not saying much but (((((((Mel)))))). I'm sorry no-one has come back to you before now and will try to log on tomorrow post hangover & be more sympathetic. It sounds like you did the right thing. Made your boundaries clear & stuck with it. Well done, so hard to do.
I hope there's been no drama since & you've had a good week.
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Post Sat Oct 13, 2012 10:50 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Well, I just spent two weeks in the psych ward Sad

Post Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:11 am 
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Tracey



Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 1489
Location: Ayr, Scotland


((((((Mel))))))

hope you feel better
i hope the psych ward helped you
i understand how bleak depression can be

both me and my partner Karen both suffer with depression and we are both jus pulling through it ourselves

many hugs

Hugs

Tracey x
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sometimes i wonder... ' why is that frisbee getting bigger'... and then it hits me

Post Fri Oct 19, 2012 9:24 am 
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