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just depressed, feel free to ignore
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY
just depressed, feel free to ignore

Just a forewarning if you read this, its just a depressing recap of my last year and a half or so. I'm just really depressed, and I need to do something. So I am putting this here, feel free to just ignore it, its long and well yeah.

Hi, so I post here every once in awhile, but not often. My name is Melissa, I just turned 27 on july 23rd. I guess I kinda need some people to chat with, I'm going through a really rough time in my life, and I have no one I can rely on, so I thought I would try here and see if anyone was around ever. I need to say this somewhere, I have no one I can really talk about everything with, so I am just posting it here. I don't expect responses, its just, putting it all in writing somewhere is better than keeping it in.

A year and 4 months ago me and my partner split up, we had been together about 8 years, had gotten married in CT. She was the first woman I had ever been with, I was 17 when we met, 18 when we started seeing each other. She was my first love. I will always love her, but the relationship just did not work. For my own sanity and emotional well being it needed to end. I told her she needed to make a decision, to either treat me better (and doing that included couples counseling, her going to private counseling etc.) or end it. She chose the latter, so here we are. The day after she told me she was choosing to end it she slept with another woman, and kissed her in front me. We had one car and I had walked to her work from mine to get a ride back. Couldn't find her but the car was there, so I waited, and waited. She eventually pulled up in this girls passenger seat, saw me, leaned over and kissed her. A couple months later they started dating and are still together. Over the last year and few months I've dated and slept with a lot of girls, but none ever were serious, in fact I never really went on more than 3 dates with anyone (except my current roommate). Last summer, in July, I fell off my bicycle and had some serious head trauma. Thankfully I recovered, am able to walk (took a few weeks, got nervous about that). One lasting side affect from that though is migraines. I get them often. Over the last year I started drinking quite a bit, and smoking pot quite a bit. We also learned my uncle had stage 4 colon cancer around the time of my accident.

This past March I met Robin (my current roommate) and we hung out a lot and then dated briefly, I liked her a lot, but she ended it (in april) In May I lost my job, basically due to being severely depressed. I attempted suicide. Robin and I ran into each other one night, she saw how bad off I was emotionally and spent the night at my place, taking me to the hospital in the morning. The hospital didn't keep me, but I was put into a partial program (there during the day, let out in the evening). Not to long later, Robin moved in. I couldn't afford my apartment without her having moved in. I would be homeless if she hadn't. We have become very close friends, but its difficult because I have very strong feelings for her, and am very attracted to her. I keep hoping they will go away eventually. My uncle passed away from the cancer on July 14th. I was very close to him, he was god father. He lived far away the last couple years so I didn't get to see him often at all. I saw him last a few months after he was diagnosed. We both knew that was probably going to be the last time, and said our I loves yous and stuff, but I still feel awful i was not able to go see him. I just didn't have the means to physically get there to do so.

Last week I started a chemical dependency program. While I am not physically addicted to anything, over the last year I have been abusing alcohol and drugs. Instead of dealing with my emotions (because I don't know how to) I would just drink or get high or cut. Temporary fixes that in the long run made things worse. Soon I will also be starting a dialectial behavioral therapy program, where they teach you coping skills to deal with your emotions and with life. I am trying to get into school so I have something to do with my time, and to hopefully get a good job when I am able to handle having one.

I am determined to become a happy person. My goal is to have a good, healthy, validating relationship with myself. And hopefully once that happens I can find a woman who wants me (truly, not like what robin does) and I can for the first time have a healthy relationship with someone I love. Even if i never find that someone I hope to at least be able to have good, healthy friendships. I don't really know how to make friends easily. I only really have 2 friends, one of whom is Robin, which things are . . . difficult there due to my feelings sometimes. I'm sick of being depressed, I'm sick of being used and abused. I am trying so hard to give this treatment my all. Its so hard when I have no real support though. Robin is the most supportive, but she has a lot of her own shit, drinks a bunch and still smokes, and I don't feel like she should be my source of support considering my feelings about her. My sisters think its all dumb and I should continue doing drugs, my parents are in denial, despite the fact I have struggled with depression since childhood. And my other friend, who normally is a great friend, can't seem to handle that its real and just tells me to grow up.

I don't know how or where to find friends who don't just drink and smoke. I would love to find other lesbian friends, but it seems like all anyone does is go to the bars to hang out. I'm struggling to do this on my own and its so hard.

Post Tue Jul 31, 2012 10:18 pm 
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MysteryGirl
Moderators


Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Firstly Mel, can I say.... well done girl on taking a stand to CHANGE things in your life. I really admire people who are so far down but can still look up and say, I want to make this better, I am going to try. Keep taking it slowly, one day at a time, and dont get down when you occasionally fall back, We are all only human and we make mistakes... over and over. It is trying to correct them that counts.

Re making friends, I am hoping that the treatment program you are in will have some ideas on that. And do they HAVE to be lesbian friends? We need people from all walks of life around us. Get in touch with the local GLBT organisation in your area... there are often lots of activities available that dont include bars and clubs. For example, social groups that meet to go to dinner or movies or picnics etc, walking groups, a whole range of things. And dont discount people of ages older than you. A course I did when in my 50's put me in touch with gals in their late twenties, thirties and forties.. and some 3 years on we are all stil great mates and supports for each other.

I know it seems overwhelming but you are making all the right moves. Now that you have written it out, let go of the past, you cant change what happened with your first gf and Im sorry about your Uncle, but you need to focus on here and now and the most important thing is you and getting well.

Good luck.



HugZ, MG
_________________
Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Tue Jul 31, 2012 11:58 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Thanks for replying. I really am trying so hard to get better. Its just well extremely difficult. I wish I had support, its hard to do things alone, even though I have been alone most of my life, its hard to make change without support still. i would be happy with making any friends, would just be nice to have some gay friends. The entire time my ex and I were together we didn't know any other gay people really, it just would be nice to have a friend who gets that part of my life. But its not a necessity.

The thing with Robin going on is really kind of hard to deal with. Neither of us can afford to live on our own. We live in a studio apartment. She does have feelings for me too, which is why I think when she is drunk she hits on me, flirts with me, etc. Its just hard to get over her when we live together, and she does that kind of stuff. Sometimes she slips up and says things that well again make it hard. Like we were talking about weddings for some reason the other day (not about us, more about our past relationships and how if we ever got married again what would be different) and we both have a lot of very similar tastes and I said I would want a very small wedding, not a lot of guests and she said the same and then said her brother and my sister would be the only witnesses. I could tell by the look on her face she didn't mean to say that (or say it outloud anyway), but ugh that kind of stuff just makes it hard:( And then today she tells me she has a date with a chic and she is hoping to get laid. Ugh.

I just keep reminding myself that her shit is her shit and I need to focus on myself and getting better. Its just hard:( And then I randomly will think about my uncle and just start crying sometimes. I feel like it shouldn't be so hard to handle life, but for some reason for me it is. So I guess I just need to keep getting the help I am getting and keep trying.

Post Wed Aug 01, 2012 12:18 am 
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cupcakes



Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 324
Location: NY


hey melissa,

just wanted to say I read your post and am rooting for you.
there are many points on which you've written that you deserve to be proud of. the programs you're sticking with, the decision to clean up...and I'm glad to hear about your hopes and plans for the future. Keep researching schools and interests to climb your way out of the pit. sometimes we just need something to occupy our time and our bodies, even if our souls can't keep up. you write well...you sound like a talented, sensitive girl; with a little work, maybe there's a published memoir in the future for you. who knows.

loneliness is brutal. I often feel like I don't have real friends in my bouts of depression too. love seems like a logical cure, but when we're not healthy enough to handle it, it just wears us down. There a lot of shit that goes on in our worlds that we just can't control. I wish I had real answers for you, but I think you're already on the right track.
just do what you have to do to get through.

best,
cc

Post Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:06 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Thank you for the reply. I really am trying to keep doing what I am doing and get better. Again, its just so hard without support. Last night I really had a strong urge to get high. Instead I took the dogs for a 2 hour walk around the city. I was very proud of myself for that, and I felt so much better afterwards too! It was really . . . nice. Lol. I used to do stuff like that all the time. I guess I've forgotten that things like that can be fun and feel good. My goal with school is to be able to get what I need to design zoo enclosures. I contacted a few firms that do just that and asked them what kind of schooling I should pursue and a couple got back to me, so that is good, to have some direction there.

I also looking into this place that is free. Its called the wellness center, and they do all kinds of things there, like writing groups, yoga, drawing classes, open studio (I draw), support groups . . . So I think going to some of that stuff will be incredibly helpful.

When I have my down moments, and they happen frequently, I just remind myself that these feelings are temporary and they will pass. That is helpful, to keep reminding myself of that.

Post Thu Aug 02, 2012 1:04 am 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Bravo Mel.... such positive steps in what can only be a VERY hard situation. The Wellness centre sounds like a great place to go...do not hesitate, get yourself there ASAP. Not only will you find an outlet for your creativity, these are just the sort of places to find friends to inspire and help and be with you on your journey.

And yes, a mantra use myself when I fee overwhelmed by a particular set of circumstances....This Too Shall Pass....I often think of making it part of my next tattoo.



HugZ, MG
_________________
Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Thu Aug 02, 2012 11:32 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Thank MG:)

Post Sat Aug 04, 2012 5:14 am 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Again, feel free to ignore, just need to put this somewhere.

This last week or so has been really hard. I called lifeline today and talked to someone there for quite awhile, that actually helped a lot. I was actually scary close to killing myself. I never ask for help, the fact that I called lifeline is kind of scary to me, that I was that close I actually needed to call for help. I know that the suicidal feelings and thoughts are a result of the depression, not me. I don't actually want to die, if I really did I wouldn't be fighting so hard. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I've been fighting it so hard, I just get so tired and worn down.

All this stuff with Robin wears on me too. She does not do anything to hurt me on purpose, its my own issue, not hers (that I love her). I just get so sad any time she tells me she has a date or is planning on sleeping with someone. I try to let it go, its just hard. Its really hard when she kisses me when she is drunk and stuff (which she has done twice in the last couple of weeks; and fell asleep holding my hand after telling me she has feelings for me too but just can't deal with them, while drunk one night). I feel like I just need to let it go, I just don't know how.

Its especially hard because I have had all of my coping skills stripped away. I used alcohol and pot and cutting and even sex to deal with my negative emotions. Before if I was feeling upset, sad or suicidal I would do one of those things. Now that I am abstaining from all of them as a part of this program its hard. I am realizing I was never taught how to handle negative emotions. My family just uses alcohol to deal with them, so that is what they taught me I suppose. I really do need to let my feelings about Robin go or I worry I will lose the friendship, and I cannot handle anymore loss in my life right now. I know I'm not even anywhere near healthy enough to handle a relationship so its just ridiculousness on my part. :::sigh:::

I find myself thinking about my uncle at such random times too. I will be perfectly fine and then suddenly will think of him and just feel like bawling. I feel guilty I wasn't able to go see him again, or be there for him when he was going through all of that:(

I also have been having a lot of nightmares this past week or so. Last week Robin and I went camping with my family and some of my parents friends. Some of them were our neighbors when I was a kid, and some rough stuff happened to me then. I think seeing them just triggered some memories. That is not the only thing I have been having bad dreams about though. Last night I had a dream that my former boss let bring Lloyd (my dog) in to play and had me just hang out there while he played (I worked at a dog daycare). It was so nice in my dream at first, to see my old coworkers and to see all the dogs again. Even just to be sitting in the outdoor yard. A little fight broke out and I helped break it up. She came out and I thought she would be upset I intervened since I was no longer an employee, but she wasn't. She asked me to go lock the offender up in a crate. Then I go and do that and while I am up there she and Brooke come inside, and they start talking about me. A few nice things but then it starts getting towards bad things. The things she says get worse and worse, and by the time she is done Brooke doesn't like me anymore. I get my dog and leave crying. Then the dream got kind of weird (I get chased by a bear on a sled down streets and hide in some bushes).


I've also been feeling bad because I know I am no fun to be around right now. I feel like I am just making everyone around me sad. I don't want to hurt anybody, I really don't. Sad

I just keep trying to tell myself this is temporary, feelings are not permanent and will pass. Its just so hard when you are so down, and so exhausted from fighting the depression. It would just be so much easier to let it win.

Post Thu Aug 16, 2012 4:44 am 
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MdmPrez



Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 803
Location: US of A
Hi Mel

I just finished reading all of your posts.
I believe that intellectually you know what you have to do, but the crap
you've had to deal with just gets in the way. One HUGE accomplishment
is that you're not using, that can do nothing but cloud your judgment and confuse you terribly. Definitely stay in that program. Have you thought
about asking the program director if they need a peer counselor or advisor?
That would be great for you. You'd be sharing and also dumping your
stuff at the same time, all the while possible helping someone.
Don't stop writing here too. You got my attention and others. We've got your back Mel!!!

Mdm Prez

Post Thu Aug 16, 2012 7:08 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Thanks for replying. Its nice to know there are people out there. Yesterday Robin went on a date. I was feeling pretty sad, but I went online and registered for classes at the local community college and then went out and played pool with a friend. Two good choices I think. I thought I sucked at pool, but it turns out I can play fairly well when I am sober! That actually helped solidify my resolve to remain sober. If just that is improved so much by not drinking or being high maybe a lot of other things will be too.

The depression is always there it seems. Its like I am always holding this door closed and the depression is trying to push it open. I can only hold out for so long before I get to exhausted and it breaks its way in. That is when I get really bad and suicidal. I'm hoping that the skills I will be learning in this program and the DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) that I start in October will add some dead bolts to the door so I don't have to fight so hard.

Post Fri Aug 17, 2012 7:04 pm 
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naturelover



Joined: 19 Sep 2009
Posts: 70
Location: East Coast US


Hi Mel,

You are one strong lady out there. Don't give up trying.

I went through situational depression a couple years back. It lasted a while and what finally got me through were a few things: 1) stop drinking - even if just a glass a week was too much at that time. I found alcohol one of the culprits of my depression. 2) start taking fish oil. That was recommended by the counselor, it actually worked for me. I am still taking it everyday. 3) Read a book called "Feeling Good". Strangely enough, I only read 2 chapters and already felt good....The key I realized is really to know what triggers the depression and stops the triggers. The book really helped.

Lastly, I agreed with Mdm Prez recommendation to try to help others. I found it very useful when I focus on helping others - it gives me lots of hopes and joys in return.

Don't give up! You can do great things!

naturelover
_________________
follow your dreams!

Post Sat Aug 18, 2012 8:17 pm 
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Tracey



Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 1489
Location: Ayr, Scotland


hey Mel

sounds like your having it rough
hopefully the DBT will help! i have a few friends that have gone through it and even though it was hard they are alot better now
good for you on enrolling for classes at your community college and for getting out to play pool the other night

you say your finding it hard as you have had you (unhelpful) coping skills taken away
how about finding some new ones such as going and playing pool with a friend (also a good way to make new friends), or use your drawing skills and try and draw what you feel?

i've been through depression many times and have had the good fortune of the good ladies here to support me and nowadays my good lady karen

keep reaching out for help
depression is difficult to beat especially if your on your own with it

does Robin understand you have depression? have you tried talking to her about how she is treating you? i think you need to as this will be contributing to your depression also

*hugs*

Tracey
_________________
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

sometimes i wonder... ' why is that frisbee getting bigger'... and then it hits me

Post Sun Aug 19, 2012 2:22 pm 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Thanks for the replies. The hope is that DBT will help to teach me some better coping skills. I've been through it a little bit before, a coupe years ago. But I got kicked out. I'm much more open to it now, so I should get more out of it this time around. I've been taking long walks, reading, drawing. Hopefully after DBT I will have more to add to the list.

Robin does know I have depression, most of the time she is actually the most supportive person. She has her own problems though (she is bipolar), and really its my own issues, my own feelings that are the problem. Its not her fault I feel the way I do about her, and its not her fault she does not have those feelings for me. I know she has some feelings for me, but not like I do for her. So, I just need to move on. Its just hard to, I don't know how to just turn that off.

I got word that I was denied TAP (tuition assistance program). Hopefully I get enough through FAFSA to pay for school, otherwise I won't be able to go. I don't know what I will do if I can't go to school. I really do not feel like I can handle a job right now, a fact I am really ashamed of, but it is true none the less. I am struggling enough just to deal with myself, I don't think I could handle a full time job as well. School I do think I could handle as it is a lot less hours, and I would still be able to go to the chemical dependency group and DBT. If I got a full time job I don't know if I could continue to attend those, and if I can't keep going I know I will be screwed.

The following is probably quite boring to most people, but I really have no one I can vent about this to so its going here. As usual, feel free to ignore it.

Another stress-er that has suddenly come up is Robin's brother. We had started becoming friends, which isn't a surprise. We have a lot in common, lots of shared interests and stuff, and we think similarly. I had hung out with him and his girlfriend several times with Robin, and babysit for them a couple times when Robin couldn't (his gf's son, but not his, she is due with their daughter in a few weeks). And I have hung out with him once without her. We have chatted through FB quite a bit about things like music, science, politics, religion and so on. Anyway, so I was happy I figured all was good. New friend, he is in a relationship, he knows I am gay and am in love with his sister. He has told me he thinks I am beautiful a couple times, I just kind of laughed it off and said thanks for the compliment. Well, last night, he flat out asked me to sleep with him. I told him no, explained the many reasons why I said no. The big one being he is Robin's brother and I am in love with her; that I am gay (although I do find him attractive, but he looks very much like Robin so is not much of a surprise); that he has a girlfriend with a baby on the way; that I want to be friends with him; that I am not supposed to have sex for now while I am in this program. He went onto basically argue with me for awhile. Told me Robin is sleeping with lots of other people and she doesn't love me, that I am her second choice and I shouldn't be in love with her and I deserve better. That he knows I find him attractive and that he would be happy to just do "lesbian type stuff" (my words, he went into detail); that Sarah is fine with it and would even like to join in; that sleeping with someone else would be a good way to get over Robin; that he thinks I am awesome blah blah blah. I just kept telling him no, that while yes he is an attractive guy, the answer is still no. I finally just turned my phone OFF and shut my computer down. Today he apologized for being a jerk last night. I thanked him and told him not to do it again. Then tonight (I'm assuming he was either drunk or high again) he asked me if I was sure and I told him my answer was the same and would not change, and he said ok and dropped it, but was a little flirty when we started talking about some other things (music and . . . dogs I think).

This whole thing stressed me out a lot and made me sad. For one thing I thought I was making a friend, turns out he wants to get me into bed. Another, he is Robin's brother and that is just weird. He knows I have dated her, slept with her and have feelings for her and that I am her roommate. It is weird to me that he did/is pursuing me so much knowing that. He was also rather mean to me, I am fully aware that Robin is dating and sleeping with other people and is not into me, he didn't need to rub it in. He said he was just so frustrated because he thinks I am awesome and beautiful and I deserve someone who wants me, not to be hung up on someone who doesn't, that he was trying to get me to realize I shouldn't want her or something. Now he is not a bad guy, he is actually a pretty good guy, which is also part of why I am confused. If he was a jerk or bad guy normally, then I could just tell him to fuck off and not feel bad about it. Anyway, sorry for venting about all of that, I just can't talk to anyone about it. I don't feel like this is something I can tell Robin, I mean its her brother. And I am pretty sure she would be angry with me about it, it is her younger brother.

I think I just need to learn how to be alone. Not need to have friends/people. I think there is just something wrong with me that gets people to be so weird with me. I don't know what it is, or what I do that causes it, but it happens so much its gotta be me. My interactions with other people stress me out so much Sad I try so hard to be a good person, a good friend, a good sister, a good room mate. I really do. I don't understand what it is I do that fucks everything up. I mean with him, he knows how much I am into his sister, I have told him how I love how her eyes sparkle when she smiles and other puke worthy stuff like that. I don't think I have sent him mixed signals or anything. But I must have done something. Ugh.

Is it possible to be happy alone? To not need other people?


I feel so confused . . . just so very confused about everything.

And then another thing, I was talking to my mom the other day and I found out she has never suffered from depression. This surprised me and well, I don't know. It kind of upset me a little. My mom is the most supportive out of my family, she tries to be. She told me that she has never suffered from depression, but she has lived with it (my dad) for 29 years. Anyway, I guess it was a bit of a shock because I always just assumed she has. And some things from my childhood I had kind of I guess given her extra leeway/excused her on because I assumed it was because she was depressed. I also just . . . I dunno, I guess I just don't understand why I have suffered so much from this. My Dad has problems with depression, I know, but not to severe. Mine has been reoccurring and very severe since I was a young kid. I don't get why if my mom doesn't have it and my dad has it, but not to severe, why I am so bad off:( I guess hearing that from my mom just destroyed some of my views on things from the past and about my illness. blah. I mean I am happy my mom doesn't suffer, I'm not upset in that way. It just . . . I dunno, like I said means some things I thought and how I viewed some things was wrong and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

Post Mon Aug 27, 2012 4:30 am 
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Cavewoman



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby


Growth never ends ... part of growth is reflection ... while it may appear to you that you are too focused on a specific analysis of where you have been ... give yourself the time to digest and find comfort in the regularness of each day ... time to rejoice in the routine and enjoy its steady dependable repetitiveness .... this time though, you have chosen clean and are backing it all up with honesty

Do not be so hard on yourself. A huge chunk of the hardest part is behind you already ... you have already made the decision to look life square in the eye and live it as best you can in another way ... intelligently with full awareness and premeditated fully disclosed truth ....

THAT IS A LOT !!!!!!!!!

Remember what you said .....

" I am trying to get into school so I have something to do with my time, and to hopefully get a good job when I am able to handle having one.

I am determined to become a happy person. My goal is to have a good, healthy, validating relationship with myself. "

Your progress toward these goals is precise and steady.

It is ok to be confused about stuff ... about how one event or person relates to another, etc. .. it is normal ... it is normal for every person.

It is especially normal to be wary of becoming overburdened by the stark realities of your new clarity .... and confused by it ...

do not expect yourself to be able to draw straight lines betwen the scattered letters of your alphabets ... it doesn't work that way exactly ... yes, everything is always and always will be somehow overlapped or inter/intra-related .... but the luxury of any razor sharp intuity regarding any of our life stories ~ well, any one of us would like a slice of that pie ~ to be able to piece together the events and persons who have influenced us/our lives ... to put it together correctly/as reality presented it way back then ...

even the paragraph becomes muddled....

In short .... lighten up on yourself .... you have put your feet so many times directly one in front of the other that you are very far down the path to changing the way you approach living ... you should be congratulating yourself! .....

keep doing exactly what you are doing .... walking .... reading ... school ... investigating and taking advantage of resources .... you just keep doing exactly what you are doing .... cause you're doing it right ... keep your head screwed on ; don't give up on yourself ....

right now, right here .. there is a lesson of your own writing .... Don't give up on yourself....

write here ... write in your journal .... call the hotlines ... stick to the sessons and meetings ....

And DRAW ..... ! .....

Glad to meet you Melgrj7 ... Glad you decided to drop in on us and trust us with your words ... it has been a pleasure to read such clearly written story ....

As to the subject matter: my thoughts are above.

Stick to your goals.
Keep doing what you are doing.
Give yourself a huge hug .... because you deserve an uncountable many!
_________________
" The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews

Post Tue Aug 28, 2012 7:05 am 
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Melgrj7



Joined: 30 Oct 2007
Posts: 47
Location: Rochester, NY


Thank you for the pep talk! Needed one Smile Its hard sometimes to remember I am actually doing pretty good considering. I'm doing the things I need to do, and it will just take time. Its hard not to get dragged down; hard to change. But I am doing it.

Post Tue Aug 28, 2012 6:11 pm 
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