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Cancer
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Jules



Joined: 22 Feb 2005
Posts: 904
Location: Home
Cancer

Well, after a long, long time away I have returned to my beloved Mels...I do not know if it is the time in my life, the season or the reason that has drawn me back but I find myself here once again...I've missed my old friends and I am so sorry for disappearing.

Mom has cancer, she's dying in front of me...day by day...hour by hour...I find myself to be a sole caregiver as my family sucks as people...I'm having a very hard time coping. The sadness, the anger and helplessness is overwhelming at times. How does one cope with something like this? I've watched people try to cope with it and always thought they were weak because it made them cry and now I am the one who is crying everyday.
I've found myself trying to make her happy. Trying to live my life as she would like me to and it's all a lie...I'm not straight, I never will be straight and here I am trying to pretend to be to make her happy??? Deep down this makes no sense to me at all and yet here I am.

I've hurt so many people in my life, people who live within these very "walls". Is this Karma? If it is, why is she the one being punished or are we both being punished for different things? If it is Karma I'll take it, I undoubtedly deserve it.

Is it possible to tell everyone you've ever hurt how very sorry you are for being such a screw up? Is it possible to tell them "I'm sorry, I never learned how to be a functioning person when it really counts?" Or worse yet... "I'm sorry I have the heart of the Grinch when I'm out of sorts?"

I don't know if it is but I will keep trying and try to keep from making the same mistakes over and over...
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Never again

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 2:23 pm 
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Tracey



Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 1489
Location: Ayr, Scotland


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jules)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Welcome back! so sorry to hear about your mom.


*hugs*

Traceyxxx
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I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

sometimes i wonder... ' why is that frisbee getting bigger'... and then it hits me

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 4:51 pm 
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Khaleesi
Moderators


Joined: 06 May 2005
Posts: 551
Location: FL


((((((((((((((Jules)))))))))))))))))

Welcome back!!!

It's good to see you again! I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. Being a caregiver can be hard. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself!

Khaleesi
aka slaveofMistress
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Hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me.....

Never start a row in public when it can be settled politely in private. ~My Father~

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 6:49 pm 
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pharos



Joined: 21 Jun 2009
Posts: 583
Location: Australia


(((((((((((((((((Jules)))))))))))))))))))))

Words cannot relieve the pain and ordeal you're going through right now, but I would like to gently point out that your post does not show a weak person. On the contrary, you seem to be a very strong person even if you don't realise it right now. Crying and feeling helpless are ok, because you're only human and seeing your mother this way is devastating. However, there are changes happening inside you... You're somewhat evolving through a painful situation. Stay in touch with yourself and your emotions. Let them flow and don't forget that, given the family situation you have, your mother is truly blessed to have you by her side. Keep showing your love to her until the end. It's all you both need right now.

hugs
Pharos

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:35 pm 
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Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jules)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It sounds like you're being as strong as you can possibly be. That's all you can do! Yes, being the sole caretaker is a completely draining situation, but if you don't take care of yourself first, you're soon not going to be of much use to anyone else either.

Remember that we are always here for you. It doesn't matter how long you've been "gone".

Hugs,
Eilidh

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:47 pm 
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Jules



Joined: 22 Feb 2005
Posts: 904
Location: Home


My thanks to all of you. I can always count on this place and I've missed it terribly.
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Never again

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 11:05 pm 
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Allison



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Posts: 4216
Location: Florida


Jules,

I can relate twofold on your post, having lost my mom to cancer and now being diagnosed myself. Spend as much time as you can with your mom. They will be days you cherish the rest of your life. Being the primary and sole caretaker is not easy and you must keep yourself strong for both you and your mom. Find a way for a little you time even if it's just a hot bubble bath while she naps or something favorite you like to eat.

Never feel crying shows a weakness. Quite the opposite, it shows your strength and courage during this difficult time. No other family member could or would take on this task, but YOU have.

I seriously doubt your mom would want you to live a life that makes you miserable, but it sounds like you have to figure out what it is you want out of life. Spending the time with mom will probably give you plenty of time to reflect on where your life has been and make some decisions on where you would like to see it heading.

We are all jerks at some points in our lives and the best we can do is offer a genuine apology and make our best effort to not repeat the behavior.

Enjoy your time with your mom and don't feel like it is a punishment. It's cancer, it sucks, but it is not a punishment, it's life. Take care of you, cry when you can and vent whenever you need.

(((((((((((((((((Jules))))))))))))))))))

Alli
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Alli

Post Thu Apr 15, 2010 12:00 am 
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Start Over



Joined: 02 Nov 2005
Posts: 222
Location: Somewhere in the cosmos


(((((((((((((((((((((((jules))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I was just wondering the other day what was happening with some of the older members. I'm sorry what brought you back is something like this. Sorry, also, to hear about your mom.


--Start

Post Thu Apr 15, 2010 1:01 am 
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SWAY



Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Posts: 1560
Location: Upstate NY


Sweets,

We've already spoken of this briefly...and you know I'm here for you, always. Smile

Big huge hugs,

SWAY
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Giving myself to others has made me jaded...

Post Thu Apr 15, 2010 1:48 pm 
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storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A


Hi Jules,

I don't post here as often as some of the other laadies, so you may not have ever known of me, until now. I'd like to introduce myself, and to say you can count me in as here for you! And, remember, life's not easy, but love makes it worth it. So, no matter how tough things are on the both of you, just love your mom and you can't go wrong.

I wish you both the very best. Arrow

Post Fri Apr 16, 2010 6:45 am 
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Jules



Joined: 22 Feb 2005
Posts: 904
Location: Home


My thanks to you again. Your words are very comforting.

I am planning a vaca and mom's kicking me out of the house for the week i'm off lol. Her sister and going to come stay and the kiddos will be at their fathers. Sooo road trip for me to NY then to MA. It will be good to get away and even better to catch up!
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Never again

Post Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:58 am 
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pharos



Joined: 21 Jun 2009
Posts: 583
Location: Australia


Enjoy yourself and keep us posted! Smile

Pharos

Post Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:10 pm 
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Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Hooray for roadtrips!
Drive safely, Jules, and take some good car music with you Wink

~Eilidh

Post Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:13 pm 
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PipSqueak



Joined: 04 Jul 2008
Posts: 987
Location: S.W. England


Welcome back Jules, come grab a coffee in the story section when you get a mo.
Enjoy your roadtrip.

Post Fri Apr 16, 2010 11:53 pm 
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GreenEyedKiss
Moderators


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Posts: 682
Location: Barony of the Angels in the Kingdom of Caid.


Jules...

wrapping you up in a warm quiet hug...cuz you know thats my way.
You are not alone, and you know what I mean. All the many things that love is never goes away..it just changes form. Im a phone call away if you need to talk.

Big hugs lovely.
~Andi
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"I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm getting it done." ~ADM

"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others remains immortal"

Post Sun Apr 18, 2010 10:56 am 
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