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Does anyone else identify with this?

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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
Does anyone else identify with this?

I had a sudden realization yesterday that not being fully out is draining me of my energy. It's not rocket science, I know. The realization just hit me hard.

Granted, I am out in much of my local LGBT community and I ironically often find myself in the position of mentoring younger/newer people in the community through their relationships, whether they be with family, co-workers, or partners. Yet, at the end of the day, all I have for myself is hypocrisy. I'm not out to my family, nor to my co-workers, nor to any of my straight friends. Outside of a small LGBT community, I'm not out to anyone who really matters.

And the thing is, there's absolutely no reason for it except my own fear of what others would think. So many positive things could come of the situation. Imagine how much more energy we would have if we didn't have to worry about this. How many more lives would we touch by simply being who we are? How much more enjoyment and fulfillment would we get out of this life?

I could write a thesis on coming out. I know the steps, I know the importance of support networks, I know that it is a continual process. Despite this knowledge, I can't seem to apply any of it to myself; it's all theory.

So I ask you: what are/were your own reasons for coming out? What was the tipping point for you? Think big. For those of you who are not out, what would need to happen for you to take that first courageous step to the other side?

Thoughtfully,
Eilidh

Post Tue Apr 13, 2010 8:34 pm 
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Khaleesi
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Joined: 06 May 2005
Posts: 551
Location: FL


I'm not sure if this will really answer your question E but I'll tell you some of my experiences. I don't know how else to explain this. I just am me. LOL When I was working at a large Medical Center, I didn't 'throw it in their faces' or anything like that. I had a relationship that lasted 7 years and I wore a wedding ring. If anyone asked me, I just answered them matter of factually referring to my wife by her name. I didn't make a big deal about it but I didn't shrink from it either. I actually had a doctor that I worked with on a regular basis notice my ring one day and mention that he didn't know I was married. He asked me what my husband did for a living. I answered "I don't have a husband." He looked confused because I had already responded that I was married. My co-worker, being well aware of my 'wife' was standing next to me. If we hadn't been wearing surgical masks I'm sure I would have seen a shit eating grin on his face at the doctor's confusion. I have to admit, I enjoyed the 10 minute conversation of "Yes, I'm married. No, I don't have a husband." "But you said you are married." "Yes, I'm married." "And your husband..." "I don't have a husband." confused look ... doctor tries again, still not understanding.

There was no 'tipping point' for me unless you want to consider realization that "I'm a lesbian" was a tipping point. I just can't be anyone other than who I am. I don't feel a need to shout it from the rooftops or shrink from the subject.

As I said, I don't know if this helps you E but that's my story. I am just ... me.

Khaleesi
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Post Tue Apr 13, 2010 9:19 pm 
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lemons



Joined: 12 Feb 2006
Posts: 964
Location: here ... with her <3


This was a very similar conversation I had with my girlfriend over the weekend. I was born n raised in small town Iowa. Didn't know who, what, or where there was a gay/lesbian person. Gay meant happy to me. lol It wasn't until 2005 (almost 31 yrs old) that I came out to myself. I eventually told my 2 closest friends who were fine with it. I didn't tell my mom until I was getting ready to travel to Michigan to meet my current girlfriend in March of '07. My boss/friend drove up with me (only the 3rd person at that point to know). Mom took it better than I thought. She had her issues obviously .... but could tell I was happy.

Move forward to now ..... I have lived with my girl (and her now 12 1/2 yr old son) since July '07. Small town Michigan. Her family and a few select friends/co workers know of our lifestyle. Recently we were contacted by an instructor of my girlfriend's. There is a church (which this alone is a bit of a shock) in a town nearby that is allowing a few of its members form a LGBT support group (geared towards the teens/young adults). Anyhow, they have asked us to be involved some. As a mentor, advisor, etc. My gf is willing but does have fears of it hurting a possible future career at her current workplace.

After all that hot air I just spent typing this .... lol I guess I am saying I get where you are coming from. We will go for a walk & some times hold hands, but we are so conscious of what we do in public. Not so much for us as for her son. We hope one day to live in a LGBT friendly town or section of town like a couple people we know.

So in the end, yes I understand the loss of energy you feel ..... thankfully my boss is totally cool and understanding. Heck, we have her watching The L Word! LOL Laughing

I don't know exactly what my answers would be to your questions ..... I may come back when I don't have a kid jabbering my ear off. lol

Mel
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Post Tue Apr 13, 2010 10:42 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Eilidh, I was nodding my head in complete understanding and empathy through your whole post. I will briefly recap my story for those who may not know me. Married, kids, I finally came out to myself at 54 after 20 years of knowing it was a part of me but not necessarily feeling a need to do anything about it. Fell in love and moved to the US to live with my gal, telling only my husband the real reasons. My family (children, mother, sisters etc) to this day treat it like an untalked about 'menopausal' episode.

Current day - I share marital home with hub as a friend and have an active social life within the GLBT community here, I am currently seeing someone, early days yet. I am out to quite a lot of my straight friends, I tell people on a 'need to' basis, by that I mean MY need to tell them because I feel it is impacting on the closeness of our friendship and whether I feel it is THEIR need to know. It has been a hard process but everytime you do it, it gets easier. I started with the one person I had faith would never reject me and neither she, nor anyone else, has. I currently work for myself but when I had a job last year I was VERY careful about my co workers, and ended up pretty much keeping my private life to myself after analysing the sttitudes of people over me. I dont think you need to go into this part of your life necessarily in the workplace if you dont actually have a live in relationship. That's just my take.

:(However, like you I find the 'double life' I lead in regard to my family is impacting severely on my ability to move forward in my life and my energy levels. I find it on the tip of my tongue a dozen times a day and like you I wonder why I hold back. Is it fear of rejecton or is it fear of totally letting go of the status quo, of not longer being part of the 'whole' and all the priviledges that hetero society brings? Lately I find myself holding my GF's hand in public and being openly affectionate with her without even cosnidering that I could be seen out my a relative. Perhaps Im subconciously wanting to be 'outed' to this group. I don't know, but I do know it is entirely individual for each and every one of us how or when or why we come out.



HugZ, MG
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Post Tue Apr 13, 2010 11:50 pm 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Laughed myself silly at K's little story...gee people are so single-minded!

I was terrified more than anything of my parents finding out. I didn't want anyone else to know because I was afraid it would get back to them. But my husband (at the time of course) kind of guilt-ed me into telling them, and that was one of the hardest things I've had to do. But after the initial shock wore off, they were fine. And luckily, they have always accepted and loved me regardless. I'm so glad I told them, because that lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders.

So once my parents knew, I didn't really care who else did. I'm lucky to live in a place where people, in general, are quite accepting. Well, once I left the little country town, anyway. And I have a theory, that if someone has a problem with me, it's their problem, not mine.

So, it's not like I go around advertising it or anything, but it's not taboo either. There are enough stresses and worries in life without having to hide who I am too. I did that for long enough. I like the sunshine so much more than the closet.

But y'know, I think I am lucky, really. I know that for some people here, being in or out is a matter of personal safety. And I wish it didn't have to be that way. For all the progress that society has made so far, there is still a long way to go in many respects.

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 2:50 am 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Khaleesi,

Thank you for your response. I can understand you "just being you". I don't have any need to shout it from the rooftops either; I just am trying to figure out how to be a little more open. Baby steps, you know?

By the way, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for the conversation with that doctor Wink

~Eilidh

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 2:55 am 
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Eilidh
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lemons

Oh Mel ... I'm glad there are other people who grew up not knowing what "gay" meant!

Since then, it seems like things have come together for you, one piece at a time. It is especially nice to hear about another church becoming more welcoming to LGBT individuals.

Yay for happy stories Wink Thank you for sharing.

~Eilidh

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 3:05 am 
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Eilidh
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MysteryGirl

MG,

I relate to so much of your post, especially the last paragraph.

Holding your tongue on certain comments ... check
Distancing yourself from the status quo ...... check
Being simultaneously careful and careless ....check

Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.

~Eilidh

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 3:33 am 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
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WonderWhy

Wonder,

Thank you for your comments. Yes, I think our parents are the ones that many of us worry about the most. That's where the highest risk lies.

You make a good point about personal safety -- that should always be everyone's first consideration. You need to make sure you are in a safe environment before you can even think about who you want to come out to. In that respect, I know I am very lucky.

~Eilidh

Post Wed Apr 14, 2010 3:43 am 
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Motodiva



Joined: 17 Jun 2006
Posts: 21
Location: Washington State


If you know me, you probably know I'm gay. I came out to everyone around me when I came out to myself. I was married at the time and my husband was going to out me to anyone and everyone in an attempt to hurt me. It was really a favor. In about 12 hours there was nobody left in my life that mattered that didn't know. And I told them before he could do it on his terms.

That was when I was 30. I now live out and open. I don't shout from the rooftops, but whenever anyone might naturally refer to their spouse, I refer to mine. I don't ever hide her. But there are people in my work life that I don't discuss my personal life with. I suppose they may not know I'm gay, just like they don't know where I live, whether I have kids, or that I love snowboarding. But if a person knows any of those other things about me, they probably know that I live with my partner and that I think she's the most incredible person on earth.

Post Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:16 pm 
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Eilidh
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Motodiva,

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.

I suppose the advantage of having 12 hours to out yourself to everyone would be that it would save you years of agonizing over the coming-out process. Get it over and done with! I can't imagine being in your position, but I can imagine that you emerged a much stronger woman for the experience.


To everyone else,

Thank you again for your responses. They continue to inspire me.

~Eilidh Exclamation

Post Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:23 am 
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girlwithguitar4447



Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan


Eilidh-

I have been asking myself a lot of similar questions recently and so when I read this thread I was heartened to see someone going through a similar situation. I have only recently realized I am gay and I have a handful of friends I have confided in, all of who have accepted me and not treated me any differently. For the most part I do not talk about my social life at work for two main reasons. One is the overall caveman like mentality of the blue color workers I am surrounded by who consistently make disparaging remarks about gays. I do not fear their reaction; I just believe them not worthy of opening up about my personal life with. I do have three co workers who I have told and they too have accepted it as just one more aspect of my personality. The second reason I do not openly come out at work is much more complicated. You see, my father also works for the same company, though in a different area of the building. It is my family I am most afraid of telling. I still don't know how I would go about telling them. I know that one day I will tell them. It is something I feel they should know because I deserve to be loved for who I am and this is who I am. On whatever day I tell them I will cease to care who knows and who doesn't. I can only hope I find the strength to bolster my courage and tell them sooner rather than later. Thanks again for this thread, it really did help me.

Post Mon Aug 09, 2010 12:23 am 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Girlwithguitar,

It is certainly heartening to know we are not alone! I was at an allies training a few days ago, for an unrelated issue, and the facilitator asked the group: "How many of you do not bring your entire selves to work each morning, for whatever reason?" Every single hand in that room went up. The image is still in my mind as I write here.

Like you, I do not often speak of my personal life at work. However, I still realize that what is not said can be just as harmful, if not moreso, than what is said. Let us never forget the adage: Silence = Death.

We do not live in an idealist world, though. Pragmatism and comfort often win out.

quote:
Originally posted by girlwithguitar4447:
It is my family I am most afraid of telling. I still don't know how I would go about telling them ... On whatever day I tell them I will cease to care who knows and who doesn't.


This resonated with me and is part of the reason why I started this thread. As I mentioned, I am relatively out and open in the queer community; it is in my family's presence that I feel safer to remain hidden. I spend much time and energy making sure those two spheres never intersect.

Maybe one day we will no longer need to worry about such details, but for now, it is a comfort to know that there are other people out there who support us and who understand.

~Eilidh

Post Mon Aug 09, 2010 10:21 am 
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Cavewoman



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby


So I ask you: what are/were your own reasons for coming out? What was the tipping point for you? Think big. For those of you who are not out, what would need to happen for you to take that first courageous step to the other side?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what were my reasons?
i was going nuts trying to pretend. i was going nuts not being honest with the world around me. i was going nuts trying to balance two worlds when in all honesty there is only one world

tipping point?
i fell in love and dad picked up on it immediately ... he more or less said that he already felt i was a lesbian and that i was cheating only myself by trying to juggle my own comfort zone to suit the wants/desires of folks who may not be especially enthusiastic with my sexual reality

result? absolute total all encompassing ease with self and instant freedom to live my life..... oddly, my (nerve jangling) announcement didn't surprise anybody - most wanted to know what took me so long .... [yes, there were one or two holdouts but over time they too softened] ... i was and always have been loved by my friends and family for who i am ... their greatest wish for me is to find and know happiness and love

and.... now, some 35 years after that moment in life .... my family, my employers, the world at large interacts with me and my life as they interact with one another .... my sexuality is as much the apples of my pie as their own sexuality is the apples of their own pie ... and yes - the world has changed a great deal from the 1950s in which i was raised; in many ways for the better and i'm glad i stepped up and out - it has allowed me to fully participate in all these changes

footnote: it wasn't easy coming to terms ... we all "come out" in our own good time
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Post Mon Aug 09, 2010 5:28 pm 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Cave, you always have such wise words. Thank you for sharing them yet again here.

~Eilidh

Post Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:56 am 
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