There I said it. Guess I'm a loser because the first time I've ever said it, wrote it, or even aknowledged it was right there - online, to strangers.
Yesterday was my 18th birthday, I saved up and went to Disneyland. In line for the Pinoccio ride, there were two girls in front of me - hugging, caressing, and generally touching tenderly. Everyone gave them dirty looks, and then pretended they weren't standing there.
I wanted to run up to them, hug them and say, "Me too! Me too! I'm like you too." Then reality set in and as we walked away from them, my family began to make jokes about the two lovers. I wanted to cry. I could never tell them the truth.
People think being gay is a choice, that you can turn it on or off. It's always been there. Since before I even knew the difference between a man and a woman. The words were not there but the feeling was. The draw to women, the fuzzy feeling in my tummy at every touch and loving smile I recieved. I'm not a bad person, I just want to be loved.
It isn't about sex. Its not a hormal thing. Its the thought of waking up next to the same girl every morning. It's the tender touches and loving kisses. The sweet words and the crooked grins. Its the chance to love and adore another.
I want someone to stand by me when I'm on top of the world, serious and sure of myself. I want someone to laugh with when I feel silly and bubbly, not a care in the worls. And I want someone to hold me when I'm scared and feel like a child again. I want to be loved for always.
Yet this is a gift to be asked for. It cannot be given if you only have that quiet secret longing. I can't tell my family, my friends - they would never look at me the same again.
But the silence is enbearable. The empty hole in my heart hurts, what is the way from here.
dudududu thats all folks! _________________ Two roads diverge in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost
Wed Jan 13, 2010 7:46 pm
Outdoors65
Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Posts: 282
Location: Anywhere Outside
Navygirl,
Thanks for sharing your heart here. You are not a loser...far from it! What you are doing/have done took me until 43 to do.
We each have our own path to travel. Know that you have support and encouragement from the women here. Move forward at a pace that is comfortable for you, without comparison to anyone else.
Be good to yourself! _________________ Outdoors
Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:31 am
Start Over
Joined: 02 Nov 2005
Posts: 222
Location: Somewhere in the cosmos
I don't know what to say, except "I get it."
And you figured it earlier than I did. Don't beat yourself up. I know it's hard when the people around you say stuff like that and they don't realize that for someone in their family, this is who they are. It sucks, but it helps to realize that other people have felt the same way.
This is such a cliche, but you have plenty of time to find someone. I was 22 when I started dating my first girlfriend. But I know how much it hurts to watch everyone else have someone except you.
Wasn't planning to write this much, but I guess I'm just trying to say... all the people that make a difference are different, cause they're the ones asking all the questions and challenging the status quo. Don't give up.
--Start
Thu Jan 14, 2010 4:16 am
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
I figured it out around the same time you did, but then I was so afraid of it, that I hid in my little closet for the next 20 years, and told no one. I missed out on alot of my life because of that. I really hope you don't do the same thing I did.
And I am totally just as much of a loser as you if not more, because my first step was to find Mels when I was 39, and the very first place I ever admitted I was gay was here. 3 months later, after getting so much support from the wonderful ladies here, I came out to my family and got an amazing response. They have been so amazingly supportive it makes me feel silly for having hid it for so long.
This is not easy, and every family is different, and each person figures these things out in their own way. I do agree that you cannot judge yourself by comparing to others, but I think most of us do. We all have a journey to go through to learn what we need to learn.
All I can say is that since I came out almost 3 years ago, I started a lesbian organization in my town that now has over 150 members, I have an amazing network of fantastic friends, and am now with the most awesomest woman that I ever could have imagined. I kinda feel like I'm living in a dream---probably because it WAS a dream for those 20 years I sat in my lonely closet.
Your family may just not understand yet, and maybe you need to be the one that shows them that gay people are people too, even people they love. I ran across a quote not too long ago that you might relate to. Here it is:
"Straight Americans need...an education of the heart and soul. They must understand - to begin with - how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul." ~ Bruce Bawer
Sound familiar? Yeah, I could relate too, and yet, my family was just joking, not really knowing any gay people, and not really meaning any harm. They just didn't know. They sure do now.
I wish you good luck on your journey, and all I can really say is that you have to be true to yourself, and be yourself, and anyone that really loves you wants you to do that too. Sometimes it may take them a little while to realize it though.
Dp _________________ "Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."
Thu Jan 14, 2010 9:00 am
Navy girl
Joined: 12 Oct 2009
Posts: 18
Thanks guys,
Reading your responses, and knowing that people somewhere heard me, made me feel a whole lot better.
Now to work up the courage to say it outloud... _________________ Two roads diverge in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost
Fri Jan 22, 2010 6:32 am
lonely_blue_eyes
Joined: 12 Jun 2005
Posts: 153
Location: oklahoma
Its a hard journey it is but well worth it. Like with life in general you have your ups and downs but with time it gets better. I think i was 23 could of been 24 when i dated my first girl and it was an experience i'll never forget and hell i still love her but thats that. In this journey you have to be strong some people will understand some wont. My friends were great my family not so much. my dad doesn't accept it at all my mom doesn't approve but she's cool with it. I wish you luck though it will all come together somehow and sometime.
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