My Story (sorry the long version) Goto page 1, 2, 3, 4Next
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WonderWhy
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244
My Story (sorry the long version)
I would like to have a go at trying to tell my story. I'm not sure how it will end - I wish I did! I don't even really know where it begins. But I have a go and see if I can make sense to someone, even if I don't make sense to myself. It's hard for me to begin though, as I don't really know what's important to mention and what's not. I guess it all is in a way, but I also don't want to bore you all stiff.
As a child, I always felt that I didn't fit in, that I was wired up differently to everyone else somehow. I often felt left out and lonely and unsure of myself. I wanted very much to fit in and be like everyone else, but I think even then I had an independent streak that was hidden for a long time under an intense shyness. I always wanted to please my parents and be good and make them proud of me, especially as my rebellious sister gave them so much grief in her teenage years. I was shy and sensitive and got into a habit of keeping my problems and worries to myself, protecting my parents from my inner self I guess.
I was never really all that interested in boys as a pre-teen. I was very into horses and could never really see the need for boys. But because it seemed like the done thing, the right and normal thing, and all my friends had crushes on boys, had boyfriends and so on, I decided to go along with it. It never occured to me that there was an option. So I picked out a succession of boys to have crushes on and be silly about like all the other girls. None of them ever asked me out so it was never a problem. Well apart from one boy in year 5. I was officially 'going out' with him although I was too scared to even talk to him and I'm not sure we really even had a conversation. It was just an offical title, nothing more. I was very innocent and naive. When some older girls asked me if I had 'got onto him' yet, I could not for the life of me work out what that was supposed to mean. Later I found out that they were referring to kissing. Something else that had not occured to me.
I guess I have a problem with telling the short story. It looks like this is going to be the long story. But it's good for me to try to sort through things from way back, even if no-one has the patience to read it!
I will post this now before my annoying computer conks out and I have to start again, and I will continue soon.
Tue Oct 13, 2009 11:57 am
Eilidh Moderators
Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
Two words: silly boys
Seriously though, a lot of us have felt like we were wired differently ... perhaps we are. In the end, it doesn't really matter. It just matters that we are eventually happy with ourselves.
Continue the story when you're ready. I'll be here to read it.
Hugs,
Eilidh
Tue Oct 13, 2009 9:25 pm
wishonastar
Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong
Hugs
So far i totally understand where you are coming from! looking foward to hearing more
Star
Tue Oct 13, 2009 9:47 pm
MysteryGirl Moderators
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
Hi ya WW
Please, please keep on with your story, writing things out is incredibly therapeutic even if you are the only person who reads it. But you won't be, you stand here in Mels in a community in which so MANY of us have felt s few, a lot or maybe even most of the emotions you have. Our stories can be so different, and yet ,so much the same. So many of us have done, what at the time, seemed to be 'the right thing". Sometimes we knew what it was and were running from it, sometimes like you, we just didn't have a clue.
So keep writing hon, and we will be waiting right here to go along on your journey.
HugZ, MG _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Tue Oct 13, 2009 11:20 pm
WonderWhy
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244
Thanks for your support ladies.
I will attempt to continue tonight when I have the house to myself.
Have a wonderful day. Off to mow the lawn now.
Wed Oct 14, 2009 1:01 am
WonderWhy
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244
'Therapy' - that's right.
Ok...
Towards the end of primary school I unwittingly became a target for some of the school bullies, who must have picked on me because I, stupidly, let it get to me. Looking back I wish I had held my head high and told those bastards where to go. But I didn't, I just got more and more depressed and tried even harder to fit in. No they didn't pick on me because of what you might be thinking, of all things they picked on me because I liked horses. I guess it was just an excuse to them, anything would have sufficed.
So I put up with their constant teasing, told no-one and stuffed it all down deep inside (not a good place).
In the early years of high school I had a few 'casual' friends but didn't really connect with anyone on a deep or lasting level. I was too shy and found it difficult to relate to most people my age. I just wasn't interested in the same stuff that the other girls were: makeup and hair and beauty and boys and drinking and bitching about other girls behind their backs and playing silly manipulative games with each other. And most boys were of a completely different species altogether. They were good for one thing though, so after a few good rounds of handball I retreated to the library where I could escape the real world to my heart's content.
Wed Oct 14, 2009 12:35 pm
WonderWhy
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244
Getting there - veeeery slowly.
Wed Oct 14, 2009 12:36 pm
MysteryGirl Moderators
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
Deep breaths hon, there is no hurry.
HugZ, MG _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Wed Oct 14, 2009 1:08 pm
PipSqueak
Joined: 04 Jul 2008
Posts: 987
Location: S.W. England
You're doing fine, write what you want, ask what you want.
Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:30 pm
storybellz
Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A
Yes, as the others have said, you're doing fine. But, please do post the rest of your story---i am really injoying it! I find the "Coming Out" board to be very inspiring and conforting, as it's a place where most of us can really relate. So, i always appreciate most any post to this board!
So, thanks for contributing, and i'm looking forward to the rest. No rush though (^_^)
Fri Oct 16, 2009 6:41 am
WonderWhy
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244
Thanks all for your kind words.
In my teenage years I was never very affectionate and 'touchy-feely' towards my female friends like most girls at school seemed to be - although I have always been by nature an affectionate person. I knew what a lesbian was. It was filed away in my brain under the category of 'wrong, weird, abnormal: don't even THINK about it' just as society had no neatly and cleverly placed it.
In fact, often I felt uncomfortable with too much - or the idea of too much - phyical contact with other, non-related females. Not that I ever thought or worried that any of them might have been lesbians, just that I was afraid they might have thought I was. I wasn't, of course! That was simply too ridiculous to even contemplate - but I still worried, at the back of my mind, of being percieved as one.
So I concentrated on trying to be as normal as possible, although I always knew I wasn't - in more ways than one. Of course, I was going to grow up and get married and have children. It wasn't so much an active desire on my part, just an obvious assumption - that's what people do right? So why would I be any different?
Throughout those years I had several 'crushes' on boys, usually ones who were completely 'out of my league' for one reason or another. Looking back, I think it was the idea of those boys that appealed to me rather than the boys themselves. For the most part they were boys who looked attractive, were well-liked and who I admired from afar although none of them ever gave me a second thought. Although I did admire some of the girls at school for various reasons, I also didn't like most of them at all. Mainly because I felt that they thought I wasn't cool enough to be part of their group and - I realise now - I harboured more than a little bitterness towards them. Looking back, they were probably ok people, just normal teenagers, but I didn't fit in with them because I wasn't interested in the same things, and was too shy to know how to talk to them.
Last edited by WonderWhy on Sat Oct 17, 2009 1:09 am; edited 2 times in total
Fri Oct 16, 2009 1:39 pm
storybellz
Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A
Hmmm....this is really sounding a lot like how i feel about myself... i feel a definate level of kinship with your experiance so far...am anxious to see what comes next as a clue how i'll turn-out!
Fri Oct 16, 2009 6:58 pm
Eilidh Moderators
Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
*takes a seat next to storybellz*
You're a good narrator, WW. I like your comment about going to the library and escaping the real world for a bit. I've done exactly the same from time to time.
Looking forward to the next part,
Eilidh
Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:16 pm
WonderWhy
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244
quote:Originally posted by storybellz:
Hmmm....this is really sounding a lot like how i feel about myself... i feel a definate level of kinship with your experiance so far...am anxious to see what comes next as a clue how i'll turn-out!
Eek! Not to worry I'm sure you won't turn out like me Anyway I'm counting on you lot to help me work out how I'm going turn out myself.
Are you still at school then Storybellz?
Sat Oct 17, 2009 1:07 am
storybellz
Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A
Well, i'm a student in college. But, i was a late-bloomer in many ways, so i'm a little behind my time. Never even had the whole High-School experiance, as i never had High-School (long story/don't ask). So, i guess you could say that what most people go through in high-school (in the way of crushes and relationships), i'm going through in college...
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