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Dear So and So...
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MysteryGirl
Moderators


Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Dear So and So,

I still have these conversations with you in my head but today's needed to be written down.

The skin on my hands and forearms tears so easily these days, just another reminder that I am getting older and becoming my Mother. All it took was to brush my wrist against the dry bark of a long dead frangipani stump and I watched in exasperation as the skin parted and peeled back like tissue paper. swiftly stained pink by the welling blood. It was late in the afternoon and I had been gardening for a few hours now – age doesn’t necessarily stop me doing what I used to, it just slows me down somewhat. But I was nearly finished raking up the leaf debris and smaller branches from the shrub I had just pruned, the larger branches were already chopped up and deposited in the garden bag, and I didn’t want to stop. Annoyed at the interruption I inspected the abrasion, it didn’t really hurt, they rarely do, but the blood was now dripping down my hand and probably required a bandaid to keep out the dirt, and also to keep off the flies which had quickly arrived.

It must have been while my attention was distracted by the wound that a ten ton truck somehow made its way through my back gate, across the lawn and hit me square in the chest. Certainly I didn’t see or hear the damn thing, but what else could have knocked me to my knees with such force that I was left gasping for the air that had been driven from my lungs by the impact. In the one small corner of my brain that hadn’t been completely enveloped in the red mist of pain that followed, I wondered if I had suffered a heart attack – and then the tears came, hot and wet - and I realised I had been blindsided yet again by the treachery of memories.

You see it’s never the big things that slip through my defences these days. It’s just gone three years since we were parted and I’ve had to develop a host of strategies to deal with the sneak attacks of memories of our life together. You have to, you wouldn’t survive otherwise, I mean they don’t call it a broken heart for nothing. Major trigger points I have just learned to avoid, almost as if they were destinations on a well travelled route now punctuated by Detour signs that steer me around and away from those situations bound to invoke memories. Just the same I learned early on you cant avoid them all, they come calling in all manner of disguises, rather like benign and kindly strangers who wait until you are about to pass their front gate and then rip off their masks to yell “surprise” in your face. Those kind you just have to wear, allow yourself to process the shock and the pain, sit with it a second or two and then get up and move on. It wasn’t always that simple but I learned the hard way that stayng there where it happened isn’t going to lessen the hurt one little bit. And just occasionally a memory can make me smile – I can touch it tentatively and let myself absorb only the good part, actually that has been happening more and more often of late.

So I guess you are wondering why I was out there in my backyard blubbing like a baby over something so bloody simple. All I wanted was a bandaid – and a cup of tea.
Well, it went something like this. Plainly I needed a bandaid if I was to continue my yard work, and just as plainly the only way I was gonna get that would be to go inside and find it myself, wash and disinfect the site, dry it and apply said plastic strip. And to do that I would have to clean up – remove my grungy gardening sneakers, then thoroughly wash my hands and nails And THEN I could make myself the cup of tea my tongue had been hanging out for for the past hour. Naturally by the time I did all that I would be loathe to go back outside and finish my day’s work.

So enter the runaway truck – obviously as I wrestled with the Catch 22 scenario, the crack of recollection had opened up just enough to allow it, together with the longing, the remembrance, the need for you, for us, and the way it used to be, to slip through and piledrive it’s way through my heart.

We would normally have been working together in the garden but there could have been any number of reasons I may have been finishing up alone. Perhaps you had gone inside to the bathroom, or to begin dinner preparations, who knows? All I would have had to do was move to the newly painted (by me) back screen door and call. “Babe, I’ve scratched myself! Can you bring out a bandaid please?” And in seconds there you would have been, grumbling no doubt about my clumsiness and inability to be left alone without hurting myself in some way. For all your fussing I can bet you would also have a bowl of warm water, antiseptic and a towel and you would have insisted on cleaning me up so gently the tears would have brightened my eyes.. It had happened so many times before – I guess the memory just flashed across the inside of my eyes like frames from a home movie. Plus you would have brought me out a cup of tea if I had asked, no doubt serving it in one of the fancy bone china cups you had acquired just for me when I complained about the size of your heavy mugs.

Trivial, tiny, insignificant – those are the memories that do me in these days. And I can’t plan against them, there are simply too many. We made a million of them in our time together.
_________________
Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Sun Oct 23, 2011 9:58 am 
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aidyl



Joined: 11 Nov 2007
Posts: 173
Location: Trinidad
Peace Now

Dear So and So

Everything finally came to a head in October 2011. You finally said what my vibes have been telling me for a long time, that you do not love me the way I love you. The pain, the hurt, the loss that came from this honesty from you was more than i could bear. The last few weeks have been an emotional roller-coaster. Too much to type here, too much to go into. But I thank my Heavenly Father that He was walking besides me as i crashed through my emotional fog and when I finally stood still He placed His arms around me and calmed my mind and my emotions. I can breathe again. I am living in each moment now and taking them one at a time. I do not want to live in the past neither am not going to pin my hopes on the future. I am in the moment, and living each moment to be a help to someone. I am focasing outward rather than looking inward at my problems. Everyone has problems. Most persons experience pain. Wollowing in it will not make it hurt less but focusing on outside and focusing on doing stuff for the people around me, being helpful, lending a hand to friends and anyone is helping me to not be buried under the loss that is deep in my heart. Dear So and So I will not allow my love for you to be my undoing. I have peace now because I know Heavenly Father is holding my hand and keeping me in the moment not in the past.

Post Sat Nov 12, 2011 1:11 am 
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aidyl



Joined: 11 Nov 2007
Posts: 173
Location: Trinidad


Dear So and So

November is almost over. Sigh. A month and a few days have passed since you told me the words i will always remember, "i know in my heart the relationship is over".

I am OK some of the times and some of the time I have to just be still on the outside as the inside of me fights off the happy memories we shared together. I say the words 'forget L----' she is out of your life' like a mantra when the memories flood my mind, and suprisingly it actually helps sometimes. You called me last weekend to see how I was you say, you actually told me 'I miss you'. How am I suppose to react when i hear words my heart longs for?? I said what my heart felt, I told you 'I miss you too'. Sigh.

I wish there was a world that all of mankind could live in where there was some kind of mega compatability machine where you can just walk into it and get a total emotional, spirtual, personality scan and the compatability machine just tells you the name, address, and phone number of your soul mate. Then all this emotional pain can be avoided when you fall in love with a person who is afraid of a whole buch of stuff with seme sex attraction (ssa). All the pain could be avoided.

Post Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:31 pm 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Dear grown-up bullies:

Go pick on someone your own size. Some of us refuse to sink to your level.

-Eilidh

Post Sat Dec 17, 2011 3:58 am 
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Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Dear So-and-So:

If I bang my head hard enough against this brick wall, will you begin to make sense? Will I begin to make sense to you?

Next to some lovely red bricks,
Eilidh

Post Mon Jan 02, 2012 7:26 pm 
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jrose93



Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Posts: 29


Dear So and So,
Just because you decided to stand next to me and I flashed a smile in your direction does not mean I want to hear about how that infection in your toe makes it hard to walk for a long distance, and how the city should put in more benches at the bus stops. That really is just gross, and I still have the rest of my day to get though.

Thanks anyway though,
Julia

Post Fri Jan 13, 2012 2:30 am 
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aidyl



Joined: 11 Nov 2007
Posts: 173
Location: Trinidad


Dear SO and So

I don't want to be so easily hurt by off hand words from you any more. I hoped we can be friends even though we are no longer lovers but your view of friendship and mind are not the same. I want more than you can give or are willing to give. I have to step away from you little by little until I have enough space between us that your actions or words will no longer matter, no longer hurt.

Post Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:29 am 
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girlwithguitar4447



Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan


Dear So and So,

I loathe the way you attempt to control every situation. I especially loathe the way you try and control me and the others on this team. You think you are special but you aren't. You think you have some elevated position; you don't. I am a nice person, but you will not see this. I am going to be a thorn in your side because I refuse to be manipulated and talked down to. I am your equal and until you admit this simple fact I will fight your every move. I do not relish this fight. I would much rather come in, do my job and go home. It's hard enough to come in every day hating my job the way I do without you making things worse. But this is coming to a head. You have met your match. Bring it.

Post Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:12 pm 
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wishonastar



Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong


Dear So and So,
It's been months but I believe I have proven how strong I am and I'm finally ready to tell you to kiss my a$$. You hurt me, you brought me down to my lowest point in years. I pulled myself up with the help of friends. I no longer need you.
I have found friends that I didn't know I had and realized how important they are to me. These friends helped me realize YOU are no longer part of my life and I am able to move on. I've met someone who I think is worth opening my heart for. So fare well and Kiss My A$$.


Star
_________________
I'm not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

Down - Jason Woods

Post Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:39 am 
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MysteryGirl
Moderators


Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Dear So and So

Today would have been our 5th anniversary. I wish I could tell you that I still remember every single second of that day wefirst met face to face five years ago, that I can still feel the way my whole body trembled the first time I looked into your blue eyes, that I can still feel the warmth of your lips the first time we kissed, that I will never forget the heat our bodies generated the first time we lay together, that I will never forget your smile, your scent, your touch, your laugh......that I will never forget you.....that I will never forget US.
_________________
Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Wed Mar 28, 2012 11:37 pm 
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fortheloveofagood...
Site Admin


Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty


Dear So n So,

Due to your lack of conscientiousness, respect and generosity, and my inability to 'demand' that you step-up, and for continuing to make allowances for you, i am STILL working on this stupid fucking report, ffs.... while you are?!?!? no where to be seen...

------------------------------------

Dear So n So,
Thank your your prayers during this time, and the gentle stillness of your peaceful yet vibrant presence.

---------------------------------

Dear So n So (self)
*get back to dotting the i's so you can be free and play very soon!!*
_________________
-----------------------------------------------------

'don't hate your enemies, it clouds your judgement'

~peace comes from knowing only love is real~

Post Fri Apr 06, 2012 12:32 pm 
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wishonastar



Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong


Dear SO and SO,
I post this here hoping that you still swing by the boards every now and then from your new life.
So much for being over you. I sit here today wishing that you would call or text me. I miss you so much some times and wish we could have actually had a one on one conversation at the end so I could know what I really did.
I think about you way more then I should and I know this. I think the reason that you are formost in my mind right now is tomorrow a dream of my could be over. It's something the both of us talked about a few years ago and I know I made it seem like I didn't care how it happend. But I really wanted it to be mine you know? Now from what I know that dream could be over with in the next week. Stupid family history and stupid me for not pushing the damn Dr back in Aug when the blood tests were off. I think for some reason that's whats getting to me the most. This could have been caught sooner if i would have been paying attention to my body and not ignoring it because it's a part of me that I don't like dealing with. I've known for years at least in my heart that it would never happen how I dreamed it would but I guess until you face what I'm facing tomorrow there is always that little bit of hope that Science can help. Kinda like look if she can do it or her friend was able to make it happen I could too. But after talking to Mom Wednesday after my Dr apt, all hope is pretty much gone. I won't play around if that's what we find. That dream is NOT more important than my life, but d@mn-it I don't want to give it up.
Stupid me for not trying harder to save what could have been saved and even stupider me for giving a d@mn what you think now. But I still do and I still spend so much time listening for your ring tone. Hoping against hope that something has changed.
This may be the thing that pushes me to move again. I really shouldn't be sitting here waiting for you to come back. So I'll leave behind my new best friend and move to some-where where I have friends and they won't let me sit around waiting for you to come back. In-fact I can pretty much guarantee that at least one of the afore mentioned friends will kick my butt when she comes across this post. Smile That thought is about the only thing that's made me smile today.

Love always,
Me

PS I'm still counting and It would have been 3 years last Sunday. Should have known with that anniversary that it would never last.
_________________
I'm not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

Down - Jason Woods

Post Sun Apr 08, 2012 12:59 am 
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chordphrute



Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 1412
Location: Nouvelle Orléans, Louisiane


Dear so and so,

It feels like every few years there needs to be a process of rebirth in my life, but in order for it to happen, every single facet of my world needs to unravel one by one - as if the rebirth is only possible after chaotic destruction. Perhaps it is symbolic of growth, of ripping open the earth after a storm. Yet this one feels different than the others. There's too much at stake this time, or was. Here I am once again, a lost sheep on a hillside. Zero optimism for the future, because it no longer seems to exist. What a conundrum, so-and-so. What, where, how, and with whom will you have me take the next few steps?

cp
_________________
"You can't kiss and keep your eyes open, they'll cross forever" - Rubyfruit Jungle

Post Sat Apr 21, 2012 9:21 pm 
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Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Dear So-and-So,

I have no idea where this is going, but I'm enjoying the ride. We're supporting each other, building off of one another, and exploring the world together. What is love, if not this?

~Eilidh Arrow

Post Wed Apr 25, 2012 2:15 am 
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wishonastar



Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong


Dear So and So,
Thank heavens my PT wanted a print out of the MRI report. I sat down to read it and I'm glad I did! Seems there was quite a bit of info in there that you didn't see fit to share. WTF that info affects my health the thing you're supposed to be taking care of! I am finding a different Dr and filing a complaint. I am PISSED and this is beyond just you messing with my job which you have done so nicely as well. F&^K You!

with lots of growls
me
_________________
I'm not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

Down - Jason Woods

Post Sat Apr 28, 2012 1:22 am 
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