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Married and needing to come out as a lesbian !

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ella_777



Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 5
Location: UK
Married and needing to come out as a lesbian !

Hi Ladies

I posted on here a while ago introducing myself. It's now a couple months on and I need some support and advice so much. I will probably waffel so I'll apologise now Sad

I am 30 and have been married for nearly 10 years (having been with my husband since I was 15). I have been in a relationship with a women for the past few years and have fallen completly in love with her. I've tried to hide my feelings for so long (she know I now love her) and carry on with the perferct married life, which is how it's seen from all my family.

My family adore my husband and are so pleased that I have this perfect man to share my life with. My family do know the women I love but only as my best friend. I constantly talk about her and when they see us together my mum always says, "what's up with you two, have you been drinking? you both are always laughing when your together". When I question her on why she say such things she says " you just seem happy when you are with her". She has started worrying about me lately saying "are you ok? you don't seem yourself" or "I so worried about you, you seem sad".

Over the last few weeks I have been fighting to hold it in when I see them. It's getting to the point when it's on the tip of my tongue to just come out with it. I am so so scared of their reaction. They are both open people and usually I can talk to both of them about anything. I am seeing a councilor at the mo to try and express some of my emotions to someone who doesn't know me which is helping alot. Can anyone give me any advice about how to confront my parents with this. I feel so alone and know that I will hurt so many people, and yes I'm scared that I will lose some of my family members through this.

I'm sorry this is a long one, just need to vent ! Can't help but cry as I write this, please help x

Look forward to reading you responses, and thank you for taking the time to read this

Post Mon May 05, 2008 5:38 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Ella, firstly I want to say that i do know how hard it is to constantly carry around this huge secret. I have been there and done that, and to a certain extent still am.

As to coming out to your parents, my thoughts are, why would you want to tell them BEFORE you told your husband? He is so much more intimately involved in this than they are, he is the one it will impact the most. I know the urge to tell can be overwhelming but you really need to think beyond the initial disclosure, what does your girlfriend think of this? Have he two of you discussed what will happen iffyour family reject you? Does she have ties also?

I truly recommend you read a book called "Living Two Lives - Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman" by Joanne Flleisher, it will give your a greater insight into what can or might happen if you do come out thru the stories of many women who have been in your exact situation.

Dont rush into this simply because of the need to tell.




Noni
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Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Mon May 05, 2008 6:19 pm 
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ella_777



Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 5
Location: UK


Thank you for you response Noni? I know that my husband needs to be the first person to know and that was what I was going to do. I spose I'm just so scared that my parents will reject me also, I need to know I have their support before I take this huge step. Maybe that's not the best thing I should do and I will get that book to see if it helps reading other peoples stories.

Thanks again for your comment Very Happy

Post Mon May 05, 2008 6:38 pm 
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stronger211



Joined: 27 May 2008
Posts: 25


I can relate in some ways. For me I was more worried about my friends. My network of friends was mostly christian. I had been very involved in college with a christian organization and therefore made those connections. When I thought about telling them it was SCARY. I knew that most would not agree and I pondered for months whether it was worth it to lose all my close friends. Personally I came to the conclusion that if I had all the friends in the world but could not openly date whomever I wanted would I be willing to live like that. Vice versa if I openly dated whomever I wanted but lost most if not all of my close friends would I be willing to live like that. It took months and it was the hardest decision I have ever made. To me it was more important to have "love" and spend my life with someone intimately because without that I would be miserable. I can make more friends, but can't pretend to love someone I have no attraction to.

I can't lie and say that it didn't kill me to lose a majority of my close friends. Its a year later and hearing their names brings me to tears because we were VERY close and it was all brought to nothing in a heartbeat. In the end, I hope I've made the right decision but am proud of myself for honoring myself and not getting stuck in something I would be miserable with.

It's a tough thing to do. You have to decide what is going to make you happy. Reality is you may not have the support you hoped for. With the two options which is one you can feasibly live with knowing the positives and negatives of doing either???

Good luck!!! Don't rush it, take time to really investigate yourself and prepare for what you need to do.

Post Thu May 29, 2008 10:23 pm 
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Enigmatic



Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 37
Location: UK


Hi ella my situation was very similar when I first started coming on here, I left a long relationship which began when I was 15, I am in the uk and have two children with my ex. I have pm'd you. Feel free to check out my previous posts which I thinkare spread between coming out and parenting boards.
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Post Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:28 am 
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