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Trouble with my 3 year old. Please help, I'm desperate

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holly



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 33
Trouble with my 3 year old. Please help, I'm desperate

Our almost-three year old daughter is having trouble sleeping lately. She usually goes to bed at 8:30 p.m. and wakes up at 8 a.m., and she always has been sleeping all night long without waking up. Lately though she wakes-up up to 8 times per night.

She wakes up and then she:
- cries and screams our names, she says she had a nightmare and asks to sleep with us in our bed.
- cries loudly and says she's scared (she sleeps with a night-light on).
- cries quietly and says that her belly hurts.
- cries quietly and says she needs to pee but when we encourage her to sit on her potty she doesn't let it out. Then she wets the bed.

If we don't go in her room and talk to her/pick her up or take her to the toilet, she stays in her bed crying for even an hour before she falls asleep again (we have one of those baby-radios so we can check on her).

It is very frustrating, my girlfriend (who is our daughter's biological mother) has a very light sleep and always wakes up when our daughter does. We don't sleep anymore, let alone have a sex life. I feel tired all day long and feel that this situation is affecting my family/social/professional life.

Sorry if I gave too much info.
Anyone experienced similar matters? Crying or Very sad

Sorry for my English.

Post Fri May 02, 2008 7:57 pm 
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charliegirl



Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 98
Location: Queensland Australia


Im Australian so we for the most part get right to the point. So please dont take offence to my ideas.

How much attention do you show her during the day? Is she one to play by herself or do you both include her in some kiddy play time? She may be doing this at night to get some attention from the both of you. I know my son plays up just to get attention from me as I dont often show him as much as I should. Either that or get a doctor to take alook at her if she says her tummy hurts there may be something else to it.

Post Sat May 03, 2008 11:44 am 
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holly



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 33


Hey
no offence, thanks for replying.

She goes to kindergarden in the morning where she plays with other kids (her teacher says she's funny and outgoing). She spends the afternoon with me (I work part time while my gf works full time), we usually take a walk or go shopping or do something togheter in the house (like baking cookies or she colors while I work). She spends less time with my gf than with me, but she usually sees her and play with her a little in the evening.

The doc says there's nothing wrong with her Crying or Very sad

Thanks for replying charliegirl!

Post Sat May 03, 2008 12:06 pm 
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Phoenix
Moderators


Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida


Hi Holly,

I was trained in early childhood psych for ages 6 - 12 who had severe issues. I am not putting your child to ones on that level. I would look for several things though:

What are the things she draws when given a blank sheet of paper?

If encouraged to make up a story, what would she say? I know she s young, but she could give clues as to what is troubling her. Something is bothering her, but "what" is the question.

If you give her a couple dolls to play with what does she do?

Did anything shocking happen in her life right before this behavior started happening? Often times it may seem minor to us, but to a small child it can upset their world.

What are her nightmares about? Is there a central theme? I think this may be your biggest clue.

Whatever she says validate her feelings, let her cry and cry if needed to get it out, and do something soothing to get her back to sleep. If she is being needy there is a reason.

I was often chastized by other mothers for the amount of attention I gave my children during the day. I carried my son constantly the first two years of his life, and a moment did not go by that he needed something and I was right there to meet that need. I also nursed my first three children for 2 years each and my 4th for one year. The fact is that a child who developes a trust with their mother and/or father to meet those needs is a very self assured child who does not need a lot of coddling in later years because of the foundation layed early.

I am not saying you and your partner have done anything wrong or have ignored your child. What I am saying is something is missing, and has changed for this child and that is what you need to discover. They need reassurance and to feel safe. A three year olds universe is very small so it should not be that hard to figure out what has upset the applecart.

phoenix
_________________
"A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night

Post Sun May 04, 2008 12:43 am 
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Hawaiian



Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 816
Location: Transplanted to Africa


Aloha Holly,

You don't say if she is a little more difficult when you put her down for the night, or if it behavior that starts just in the middle of the night.

It is quite common for 3 yr olds to start having fears and nightmares as a result.

My niece, who was about 3 when I lived with her, started having nightmares about monsters. When I told her that auntie is tough, that I'd take care of the monsters for her...she insisted that her dad was stronger and that's why she wanted to sleep with him.

So, I made my niece some "Monster Spray," of lavender oil and water (lavender calms). We would make a big issue of spraying all the places where monsters would be at bedtime and if she woke in the night, I would spray to get the monsters to back off and then I would let her spray to finish them off. Once she agreed that the monsters were defeated, she went to sleep easily with "Monster Spray" right at hand. As my niece began to take control of her own fears, we didn't have to use "Monster Spray" for very long. (My niece, now 5, is actually kinda scary now, as she is quite fearless in the pool or on a bike or even a quad.)

I dunno if this will help you, but as Phoenix said, you must take the time to get to the source of the problem for your daughter...but I would recommend against trying to figure it out in the wee hours when you are probably most upset.

HTH,
~Hawn
_________________
'A'a i ka hula, e waiho i ka hilahila i ka hale.
Dare to dance, leave your shyness at home.

Post Sun May 04, 2008 7:09 am 
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holly



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 33


quote:
Originally posted by Phoenix:

What are the things she draws when given a blank sheet of paper?



She usually draws herself, me, Lara, her toys, her stuffed animals, her friends, the sun or the sea...

quote:
Originally posted by Phoenix:

If encouraged to make up a story, what would she say? I know she s young, but she could give clues as to what is troubling her. Something is bothering her, but "what" is the question.



Thanks for the tip. I'll try this with her Exclamation

quote:
Originally posted by Phoenix:

If you give her a couple dolls to play with what does she do?



Sometimes we play together with dolls in the afternoon, she likes to pretend she's the dolls' mom (I always have to play the dad XD). She craddles them, feeds them, take them to potty, put them to bed. Sometimes she is strict with them, like "you don't have to do this or that" but not too much. It just seems she tries to do what we do with her.

quote:
Originally posted by Phoenix:

Did anything shocking happen in her life right before this behavior started happening? Often times it may seem minor to us, but to a small child it can upset their world.



Yeah, we moved from our old house and changed city, but that was seven months ago. She did not start doing this until two weeks ago. Do you think she could be uncomfortable about this?

quote:
Originally posted by Phoenix:

What are her nightmares about? Is there a central theme?



Yes, most times she dreams about getting lost and not being able to find me or Lar. Sometimes it is monsters (especially the toilet monster - I'm also quite worried about the bed-wetting part. She hasn't done it since she was 22months and now she started to do it again).

quote:
Originally posted by Phoenix:

Whatever she says validate her feelings, let her cry and cry if needed to get it out, and do something soothing to get her back to sleep. If she is being needy there is a reason.



Usually when we hear her crying, one of us goes into her room and holds her. We're trying to be as supportive as we can. She would want to come in our bed but we have a rule about this. Do you think we should let her sleep with us?

Thank you so much for replying. You've been really helpful and you kinda calmed me.

Post Sun May 04, 2008 12:15 pm 
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holly



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 33


Hey Hawaiian Very Happy

quote:
Originally posted by Hawaiian:

You don't say if she is a little more difficult when you put her down for the night, or if it behavior that starts just in the middle of the night.



No, she's always been really good. My gf usually puts her to bed, she stays in her room for about half an hour singing or reading a story or just talking, and then she says goodnight and our daughter drifts off to sleep very easily. It is just after two-three hours that the crying and the waking-up start.

quote:
Originally posted by Hawaiian:

My niece, who was about 3 when I lived with her, started having nightmares about monsters...



Maybe we should try this with Carlotta. But she isn't afraid of monsters before going to bed, she just have nightmares about them... Crying or Very sad

quote:
Originally posted by Hawaiian:

I would recommend against trying to figure it out in the wee hours when you are probably most upset.



This makes a lot of sense. Actually this situation is depressing my gf a bit, she blames it on herself and kinda feels useless. Crying or Very sad

Thanks for replying, you are all showing a lot of support.

Sorry for my English

Post Sun May 04, 2008 12:26 pm 
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Phoenix
Moderators


Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida


I would say that the big clue is the move and her dreams of not being able to find one of you. These are classic insecurity issues. I would make up some games of her naming her favorite places close by. I still remember losing my mother in a store on several occaisions when I was little and the panic attack that I felt is an engraved memory for me. If she has felt like that at all with her new surroundings this could be the thing feeding into her fears.

I was also going to mention lavendar spray for her pillow as it does calm. Dream catchers are also nice as the message is that it keeps the bad dreams from harming us. I'm not an expert on indian dream catchers, but I'd play with the idea so it is something she feels positive about. If you have a faith utilize those positive protective aspects and pray with her, soothe her and let her know you and God/dess are watching over her.

My oldest daughter went through a time of night terrors about that age, and the only thing you can do is keep them safe and slowly help them wake from them if that starts to happen. I would listen to her and help calm her down. I had bed babies, so they stayed with me in bed until they were 2 then they went to their own bed like an achievement. Of course my reason was I had another one due and could not have two babies in bed with me. I had a few occaisions when the one transitioning would need a palette on the floor to be near mommy, but for the most part it was an easy transition because I set that foundation of always being there for them.

At this point, if one has a particularly bad nightmare I will let them come to bed and snuggle with me, but once they are truly in lala land, I move them back to their own bed so they wake up there in the morning and do not get the idea that it's bunk with mommy time now.

From what you say, it seems she is just having some insecurity issues right now, and I would do things during the day to show her she is being taken care of, listened to, and protected without going into super lockdown attitude and acting like everything is to be feared. Maybe take some explorations of the area, some parks and favorite places so that she bonds with her new area strongly.

Let me know how it goes,

Phoenix
_________________
"A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night

Post Sun May 04, 2008 9:24 pm 
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holly



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 33


Thanks for your help Phoenix.

quote:
Originally posted by Phoenix:

I would say that the big clue is the move and her dreams of not being able to find one of you. These are classic insecurity issues. I would make up some games of her naming her favorite places close by.


Thanks. i think that might be THE clue. Our new house is also MUCH bigger than the one we had before (our new city is less expensive and we are planning on having other children), she could definitely be afraid of the new surroundings. But why now? I mean, it's been seven months since we moved and she never had a problem til now.

quote:
Originally posted by Phoenix:

I was also going to mention lavendar spray for her pillow as it does calm. Dream catchers are also nice as the message is that it keeps the bad dreams from harming us.


We'll definitely try!

quote:
Originally posted by Phoenix:

I will let them come to bed and snuggle with me, but once they are truly in lala land, I move them back to their own bed



My gf also thinks we should do this. But I don't know really, I remember my mom used to do this with me and I always felt kinda betrayed, like "why does she pretend to let me sleep with her and then when I'm sleeping she does things behind my back?" if you know what i mean LOL.

Thank you so much! I'll let you know how it goes.

Sorry for my English.

Post Mon May 05, 2008 7:10 pm 
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Foxfollower



Joined: 05 May 2008
Posts: 10
Location: Almost Cape Cod, MA, USA


Basic rule of thumb is "no" to cuddling in bed with the two of you. SA bad habit that's hard to break. I've raised 3 kids and a grandson, if that means much...LOL...might not, I know. But still, I think the finding you thing is important. What about a special string that she could tie herself to her bed and then trail into the hall to your doorway - not big - just a special "magical string" that the fairies have sprinkled with magic dust so that she will never get lost? idk I gave my grandson - who had a LOT of nightmares and bed wetting for awhile just from being relocated - a set of magic glowing orbs that slowly and silently changed colors in their charger and we used those as a special night light. Just try and stay firm about the no extra attention thing when she s upset, or you will never break her of it. she doesn;t even realize that she is trying to get your attention. And I would suggest that your gf and you organize a very tight together playtime - then story time - then right to bed time for awhile. Good Luck! You sound like great parents!

Foxfollower

Post Wed May 07, 2008 12:01 am 
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