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do you feel that sex HAS to play major in a relationship?
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luvinmomofone1



Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Posts: 40
Location: oklahoma usa
do you feel that sex HAS to play major in a relationship?

i am not a sexual person but i love intimacy! i love all the things that come with a relationship but not the sex! i used to enjoy sex alot but over the years i have lost ALL my sex drive so i dont care about it anymore!! and i thought in your 40's you were in your sexual peak...HAHAHA! i think it is very possible and probable to have a respect and love for a person and not have to have sex in the relationship...my only problem is to find someone who agrees with me on this subject!! whats your opinion??
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Post Fri Oct 26, 2007 10:13 pm 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


luvin,

I have to admit that I love sex...I enjoy giving my lady pleasure as much or more than getting it...although getting is nice too Smile but in 99% of relationships that are based on sex...the relationship will fail...in my opinion anyway. There is so much more to a lasting relationship than sex.

I think communication, trust and honesty make a rock solid foundation.

Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow
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Post Sat Oct 27, 2007 4:56 am 
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luvinmomofone1



Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Posts: 40
Location: oklahoma usa


yes i agree with that but in all honesty could you go into a relationship knowing that there would be intimacy but not sex? i dont know what the future holds, my drive may come back..but its been gone for over 10 years so i doubt it! maybe i just need the right partner to bring it out! maybe being alone or with men who havent met my needs has broght it about to this point..i dont know! i just would like some input on this subject. from an outsiders point of view..from more than one opinion if possible. i am just trying to understand if how i feel is ok? i am not sure of the word to use for my feelings.
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Post Sun Oct 28, 2007 2:16 pm 
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awnidea



Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Posts: 40
Location: 3rd planet from our Sun
In Love

luvinmomofone1,


sex, i feel, is an expression of the body.


Loving, is THE expression of the inner "being".


Not everyone, on our precious Earth, may express with their body.


Everyone, however, MAY express with their inner "BEING".



my truth

Smile
awnidea
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Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 12:12 pm 
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coconut



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Posts: 238


Sex isn't everything. It's nice but I don't think you HAVE to have it to have a full and meaningful relationship. Besides there is enough technology out there that there isn't much you can't take care of yourself if the need arises Wink
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Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:43 pm 
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luvinmomofone1



Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Posts: 40
Location: oklahoma usa


hahahah..they call them bob's here..battery operated boyfriends...lol. i like those things but they still dont give me an orgasm that often..more often then sex..but hardly at all...i am just a frustrated person who is lonely and afraid to put herself out there for fear of rejection, i feel not beautiful, unloved and have very low self esteem in this area...i feel that noone would want to love me because i wont have sex...and i dont wanna have sex and have to fake it! just to make my partner happy..been there and done that and its more mentally bad then being open about my problem and fear of rejection!!
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Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 6:13 pm 
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coconut



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Posts: 238


So you have no sex drive right now. You said yourself you have no one to drive with anyway. You never know. There may come a time when you meet someone who understands you and is ok with who you are and voile your drive may come back. My drive is very much connected to my heart and if my heart ain't in it then the body ain't in it.
Maybe you are the same kind of person
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Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 6:19 pm 
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Xalia1
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Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love


This was a good question.

I don't think that sex is necessary to have a great relationship.
Intimacy is important, and as Eire said, trust & communication are key.
I coul dgo the rest of my life without sex (not that I'd want to!) if I knew I loved the woman and the intimacy/connection was there.
Just my opinion. Wink

Hugs,
Xalia
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Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 7:11 pm 
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luvinmomofone1



Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Posts: 40
Location: oklahoma usa


see this is how i feel about the subject too but i am so afraid to breach this subject with a potential partner in case they reject me...women in their 40's are suppoed to be in their peak..i am at the bottom of the slope! i mean should i discuss this from the get go before we start really dating or should wait til the THE TIME..LOL... i dont wanna lead someone on and let them think they are getting the whole package sex and all when they are getting evreythign but no sex!! it seems other then the ones who posted here that sex is a BIG THING!! right now i dont have to worry bout that ..my ex was a man and i found out recently that hes been cheating on me for a while..i didnt use protection with him cause we have been together off and on for over 6 years and i thought we were monongomous even when we were not together..i ws with donna last year but we used protection with our toys and stuff so no worries there..i see my doc on friday and with this unexpected info i am gonna have him give me std testing including hiv testing..i want a clean bill of health before i get with anyone else!!!
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Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 9:05 pm 
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coconut



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Posts: 238


No matter your sexual history, testing for STD's including HIV is always a good rule of thumb. I know who I have been with but you never know who someone else has been with. And it's not about whether your partner has been faithful while you were together but they had a history first so you are sleeping with everyone they have ever slept with and so on. A lot of people are obsessed with sex but not nearly as many as you think. sometime the talk is all for show.

For me, jumping into bed is low on my list of things to do when I meet someone. I take time to get to know them as a person before anything else. I don't think it needs to be a topic for discussion early on in a relationship but if it looks like that is the direction the relationship may be heading then by all means talk about it.
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Post Sat Nov 03, 2007 9:13 pm 
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luvinmomofone1



Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Posts: 40
Location: oklahoma usa


thanks coconut, i appreciate the input..i check myself for std's and hiv, before and after every relationship and usually use protection..but if relationship is long term usually we stop using protection after the first year or so...before we stop tho we both get our clean bills of heath so no worries! as long as you know your both clean for a fact an you are monogmous its fine! now i am single again.and blasted by the fact that my ex was cheating on me so much!!..i was told by his daughter who was 10 years old..now that we are not together anymore she felt safe to tell me..she was afraid to tell me when i was with her dad cause she knwe i would confront him and he would get pissed at her and say she was lying and maybe beat her!! i love this little girl..shes my heart! thankfully i get to keep her overnite once in a while still since i am friends with her mom! she lets me keep her once in a while when she has her for the weekend!! what really kills me is that i have just moved here not even 3 months and he was sleeping with my neighbor downstairs while i was away seeing my dying father in august! believe me when i say i called her husband and had jamie repeat to him what she told me!! now i am out of it! i really dont care if he was sleeping around but it made me mad that he did it in my bed! we havent had sex ourselves in like 6months anyways so he prob. needed the outlet...but i just got tired of the lies and the bullshit and every thing else. trying to get all my stuff back is awful in itself! he wont read the letters i send..jamie said he throws them out and i dont have a car to drive over there to catch him at home!! jamies mom is stupposd to get some stuff of mine thats over there and bring them to me!! I just want an honest monogomus relationship with someone i respect and enjoy being with.. someone i am happy with and someone that enjoys being with me~ is that any differnet than someone that has a sex based relatioship?? i am getting older and soon my son will be gone on his own to make his own way in life and i dont wanna be alone..i am afraid of being alone! i will die of lonlieness. but then again i am lonley all the time anyways..lonely in a crowd of ppl..starving for attention..good attention ..i feel invisible..i hurt inside..depression is my partner anymore!! and yes i am on meds and i am in counseling...lol
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Post Sun Nov 04, 2007 12:13 am 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


*adding my name to the yes-of-course-it's-possible list*

I come from a slightly different perspective than the women who have already answered here in that I am actually asexual and have always been so. (And yes, I am completely healthy.) I may not have any "experience" for comparison, but I don't feel like I'm missing anything. My ideal relationship would be with a woman for whom sex played no role -- another asexual lesbian, perhaps. However, I still think that even in sexual relationships, the act of sex is only one part of the relationship; communication, honesty, and openness are also very important.

Post Mon Nov 05, 2007 3:12 pm 
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luvinmomofone1



Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Posts: 40
Location: oklahoma usa


THANKS HUN, one of the others who posted gave me the addy to an asexual lesbian forum. i went there and joined. so i am on my journey and asking all my questions there! the most difficult thing is that even tho i am asexual now and i dont mind..i was very very sexual when i was younger and loved every min. of it! so in a way even tho i am used to it and dont mind not having orgasms or sex..i miss it at the same time and it sucks!! i thank you all for your support in this for me! you are my lifeline for real cause i dont have anyone here except my son to talk to and this is not anything i would discuss with him..ya know?!
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Post Mon Nov 05, 2007 8:06 pm 
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Alice In Quantum Land



Joined: 04 Dec 2007
Posts: 77


Hey there,

I wanted to react to something you said earlier.

If I understand correctly, you say that the fact that you have no sexual desires makes you feel awkward and you fear rejection because of it. And you feel that this situation is lowering your self esteem.

Instead of saying that you don't feel good about yourself because you don't have sex , could we flip this over and say that you don't have sex because you don't feel good about yourself ? And if that's the case then I think that it is not your sexuality that you need to investigate, but other aspects of your life.

Post Wed Dec 05, 2007 8:00 pm 
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MSFL



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 3
Location: MASS


I don't think sex in a relationship should weigh so heavily. i hink that people shoud get to really know each other first and see where it goes later. Sex too soon can potentially ruin a relationship.

Post Sun Dec 09, 2007 7:25 pm 
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