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Seperation and coming out to young children?

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Enigmatic



Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 37
Location: UK
Seperation and coming out to young children?

Ok, I'm on the verge of leaving my 14 year straight relationship, and we're now at the point where we're discussing me and the children moving out. I think he might be ok about not blabbing the reasons for our seperation to everyone, so now my fears are for my children - my youngest is too young to need to explain it to her, but my eldest is 7 and I really have the feeling she will take this badly (even though she doesn't get on very well with her dad - personality clash) she will blame me for the split and if I come out to her she will be devestated. Of course I can know none of this for certain, but these fears are going round and round in my head!

Has anyone had any experience that's relevent to my situation? I'd love to hear from anyone who's been where I am.
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Sometimes it's the things that scare us the most that get us to the place where we're most safe.

Post Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:11 pm 
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Enigmatic



Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 37
Location: UK


I'd considered the introducing people as friends thing, only problem there is that he's always making snidy comments hinting etc and doesn't seem to think anything of saying these things infront of her, because I suppose he thinks he's not being obvious, she's not stupid though and knows what a lesbian is so she could put the puzzle together. I'll still try to approach it that way to begin with anyway - if I ever get that far!

I'd worry about letting them stay with their father to begin with though because I don't want them to think I've abandoned them.
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Sometimes it's the things that scare us the most that get us to the place where we're most safe.

Post Wed Oct 24, 2007 9:05 pm 
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sayjay (BANNED)



Joined: 24 Oct 2007
Posts: 19
Location: belfast


well, whatever decisions you come to will be the right for your family in the end.

"I'd worry about letting them stay with their father to begin with though because I don't want them to think I've abandoned them."

I suggested that (for a little while) just until you work out how to handle your situation with them living with you. and maybe you should mention to your ex that your daughter is not stupid and will pick up on things he's saying infront of her and its better that she hears it from you.

I wish you well xo

Post Thu Oct 25, 2007 9:44 pm 
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Enigmatic



Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 37
Location: UK


Hi again. We're still in discussions over this, he is convinced that the best way to deal with this is to be honest with her from the start and that way she won't have another thing to cope with down the line, whereas I was thinking it was easier for her to cope with one thing at a time and to let her deal with the seperation first of all. So now I'm really confused. I'm fairly sure that his reasons are because he wants to be able to let everyone know this is not his fault (but that will mean it probably gets to the playground fairly quickly and that's a lot for her to deal with right now). When I suggest he should be putting her feelings before his own he doesn't really get it.

Regardless of his reasons though I'm now really uncertain of the best way to approach this.

PLeeease help anyone got any suggestions?
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Sometimes it's the things that scare us the most that get us to the place where we're most safe.

Post Mon Dec 03, 2007 11:47 am 
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moon_dreamer



Joined: 06 Nov 2006
Posts: 48


Hey boy its been a long time since I visited this board lol anyways. I don't know that I have any special advice really to give but I do sympathize with you 100 percent. My divorce was final Nov 20 and I was in a 15 year relationship (straight) and we have three children together 6,7,and 8. I will say it isn't easy to say the least. I was totally honest with my children and they seem to be okay with it .... we have had own problems such as kids at school making comments and such but I just try to talk honestly to my kids about mine and their feelings. Good luck on your journey and Im sure everything will work out in the end. Exclamation

Post Sun Dec 09, 2007 7:18 pm 
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sothernnite



Joined: 12 Jun 2005
Posts: 259
Location: South Georgia


First, let me say ive always known i was gay. but i was too scared at one point to live as i felt. i tried to live as a straight woman. and it left me depressed, my kids were moody... my husband at the time felt useless.

Second, when a parent is unhappy, children follow right behind that. my children were 6 months old for the youngest and 4 for the oldest when i first left my husband. my oldest took it the hardest because she loved her dad. granted i left not just because i was gay...but also because he became abusive.

after my first girlfriend, my oldest got over it. i was as honest with her as a 4 year old needed to hear. i simply told her that mommy and daddy didnt love each other like people needed to do to be married. i also told her that mommy rather have a girlfriend than a boyfriend. as she got older, she asked questions... like..do i have to like girls because you do? do you want me to like girls too? if you have a girlfriend, are you going to leave me behind?

for 3+years after the divorce, my oldest went thru many changes. she saw her dad for what he was. and though she loves him, she realizes now that the best thing i did for them and me was to leave...whether i was gay or not.

i have taught my children that differences are part of what makes us special. but many people do not like these differences. i explained to her that before she judged someone because they were gay, another race, fat, thin, straight.... etc... that she needed to get to know that person and base that judgment on their character.

my girlfriend and i have 4 kids , 2 mine, 2 hers.....ages 9,12,14,17.
and ALL of them... support us and how we are. they are less judgmental as people. they are emotional and mentally stable. they are healthy. they are well taken care of. and they know that they will ALWAYS come first. they will have food, clothes, and other needs met before either of their moms will do anything else. and they respect that. they know that being gay doesnt mean you put all other responsibilities as adults behind you. they know that being gay doesnt mean you are a bad or promiscuous person. they know that the stereotypes are untrue.

so i guess i said all that to say... just be honest with your kids. because they will see the truth eventually. and they much rather hear it from you than someone else. and take into consideration their ages... tell them things in very general answers... but truthful. and if they have more questions, they will ask as they grow older.

Post Tue Dec 11, 2007 6:55 pm 
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Enigmatic



Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 37
Location: UK


Hi all. Just a little update and request for a bit more advice! So far I have come out to a couple of friends, my mum and my daughter.

We have decided to go our seperate ways but he never deals with anything until it happens, so now we're at the point where we're moving out in a few weeks and now he's losing it. He's picking at lots of things, getting annoyed with me and accusing me of lies, we are only moving to the next town and will be a five minute car ride away but because I won't consider a house a couple of streets away from him he's saying I'm not being considerate of him and I'm taking his children away. He's been talking a lot about how he would like to have a heart attack/etc and suggesting he should commit suicide. Since yesterday he's been drinking and tonight he told me he's been surfing sites which advise on how to do it. He had just over half a bottle of vodka earlier and then smashed up his computer (but he seem hysterical rather than angry), he went to bed early after starting a second bottle.

He got like this last time and eventually I was worn down. He hasn't even spoken to his family to let them know we are seperating because 'it's not happening til it's happening.'

Any advice much appreciated!
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Sometimes it's the things that scare us the most that get us to the place where we're most safe.

Post Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:18 pm 
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moon_dreamer



Joined: 06 Nov 2006
Posts: 48


Sad I so feel your pain. I too went down this road and it wasn't nice. My x tried every guilt trip in the book including talk of suicide etc etc.... try to remeber that is HIS problem not yours.. if that is how HE is chosing to handle the situation that is his decision.... I do understand though it isn't easy. I was with my x for 15 yrs and we have three children together 6, 7, and just turned 9. I have a girlfriend now and we have been together for a year n a half almost and it has been wonderful. I to was worried what my children would think but they accepted her with open arms which made it alot easier. I would never turn back to what I "thought" me n my x had. Especially after being with my girlfriend. Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that helps a little bit.

Exclamation

Post Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:00 pm 
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Enigmatic



Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 37
Location: UK


Thank you moon dreamer. I don't know anyone personally I can talk to about this so hearing from people on here helps a great deal.
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Sometimes it's the things that scare us the most that get us to the place where we're most safe.

Post Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:05 pm 
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moon_dreamer



Joined: 06 Nov 2006
Posts: 48


Well Im listening (((((Enigmatic))))))



feel free to ask questions if you would like of pm me anytime.

Post Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:07 pm 
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wys2uways



Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 272


Hi there. The straight relationship that I exited to be with my love was also about 15 years. The kids were about 15 and 11 and both of them are boys. The ex was highly volatile about the whole thing and took it as far as having me removed from the house and taking the kids away from me, even after I thought I was following the proper steps. The boys are 25 and 21 now and both are fine. I sat them down at the time it was happening and explained to them that I loved my girlfriend like you love someone that you want to marry. They had already gotten to know her and they loved her too and they were actually okay with the whole thing. Not the way their father went about things, but the situation in general. I guess you never know how someone is going to truly react until it comes down to it.

Post Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:16 pm 
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Enigmatic



Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 37
Location: UK


Thanks both.

Over the last couple of days I've been feeling like I want to back out of what I've started, like I just want to pick up all the pieces I've blown apart and fix them back together, paste over the cracks and try to hold on to what I've got. Like I should just jump right back in the closet before it's too late and lock the doors. Sad
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Sometimes it's the things that scare us the most that get us to the place where we're most safe.

Post Wed Feb 06, 2008 10:36 am 
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Raven



Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 1409
Location: Basking in the Garden


The closet may seem easy but I can assure you your heart will gather more cracks and your soul more bruises going back into that dark corner. We may not be able to help you physically with the packing and moving but like moon said we're listening, and we're here to lend our emotional support.

You're doing the right thing hun. I may not know the best way to deal with your kids (since my gf and I are still trying to figure that out ourselves) but one thing I am sure of is that staying and being unhappy with your soon to be ex can be much more damaging to your kids, not to mention you and him. You husband deserves to be happy and so do you. Thing is neither of you has probably truly felt that in a while. He may not know that what he has with you isn't true happiness - he is just use to it and doesn't want it to end because of all the things he wanted it to be. But if your trueful to yourself and he to himself then the odds are good that you'll both see that things aren't very happy with you together. Don't put a broken house back together thinking it'll magical fix things - all the problems will be there and more.

You have been so brave. Don't stop now. You can survive this and that light at the end of the tunnel moon mentioned - it's glorious. Its everything you've been wanting and probably more. It's you complete.
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Love is my Salvation and Destruction.

Post Wed Feb 06, 2008 1:15 pm 
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Mystic



Joined: 23 Oct 2006
Posts: 194


Don't back out and don't show your weakness to him, that is how I made it through. I didn't have kids but my husband, ex now tried the same thing. Really supportive at first and then suddenly wanted to pull me in..I didn't show any emotion after that point. I didn't want to show care or concern or fear and showed no emotion and that I was serious. He eventually left the house which made it a lot easier yet also uncomfortable and difficult in other ways.

I finally got my own place and now live with my life partner Moondreamer Wink

Keep your head up!


tammy

Post Thu Feb 14, 2008 4:39 pm 
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twilight



Joined: 29 Sep 2004
Posts: 1035
Location: First Star on the Right Straight on til Morning


I was in a 7 year straight marriage. Not a lie I could continue to live, but was not just because I was a lesbian that we split. My girls (ages 9 and days away from 6 at the time) were understanding. I sat them down with lesbian couple they knew (they called them their aunts) explained that I could not live with their daddy and be me. Even at their young ages they understood. Hugs to you and the drama he caused later (suicide threats and all) cause I went through that too with my ex husband and ex partner. PM me if you ever want to talk.
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Twilight, Her Royal Highness, The Queen of Fun and Games

The lengthening shadows wait The first pale stars of twilight. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Post Sun Feb 17, 2008 1:47 pm 
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