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Dear Mom...take 1 02/25/14

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SWAY



Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Posts: 1560
Location: Upstate NY
Dear Mom...take 1 02/25/14

Dear Mom...take 1 02/25/14
by Shadow of Nothing
Dear Mom,

I don't even know where to begin this letter. There's so many emotions, so many different things I think every single time I think of you that I have a hard time understanding myself sometimes. My feelings range from deep sadness, to anger at myself, to feeling lost, to happy, it feels sort of bipolar in my head, and in my heart.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the things that you will never see. You won't be here to see me get married to the woman of my dreams, or buy a house, or have kids of my own.

Is makes me angry also that you were taken from us too soon. I struggle daily trying to figure out why. That is something I may never get the answer to. What was the reason to take you away from us? What is this teaching me? Or my sister, or brother, or dad? Or anyone who knew you? What is this life lesson? That I'm supposed to be without the woman who meant more to me than anyone ever has? I'm not sure this is something that I will ever get over....not that I need to.

The more time that passes, the more I miss the fact that you're not here to run to anymore. When I'm upset, I can't just call you on the phone or email you just to ask a question. It makes me angry that I can't pick up the phone when I'm sick just to hear your voice because it makes me feel better. It pisses me off that I don't get to have those quiet moments with you at the house anymore, where we didn't say a word, but yet were perfectly content with one another's company.

I'm also angry with myself for not being there when you passed. I had to go back to work because I might lose my job if I didn't. I'm so upset that I left, and 3 hours later, you were gone. I had just gotten to work, and the phone rings, it was just after 530 am. I remember waking myself up at 230 to drive home to get ready for work and catch a quick nap...I get to work and get myself set up for the day, and sissy called me, telling me you had passed about 5 minutes ago. I don't know as I will ever forgive myself for not staying there.

I whispered to you before I left that it was okay to go, that we would all be okay, and that I would take care of everybody. I didn't realize you would listen to me. You always did though, didn't you? You always listened to my rants, my heartbreaks, my triumphs, and everything in between.

I never really got to tell you how much you mean to me. How much I needed you because my own mother decided that she was more important than everything and everyone else in the world, and is so wrapped up in herself that she never saw what she did to me, and she never will. But you swooped right in and became my mother, you taught me how to be a woman, how to stand straight and take care of myself. You taught me what it was like to sacrifice everything to give to your children. You taught me that no matter what, Steven, and Nicole and I, we were the very breath you took everyday. And to think, Steven and I aren't even your flesh and blood, but you treated us like you were from the very first time you met us, until the last breath you took. You taught me that sticking by the people you love and who love you is the most wonderful thing in the world. That no matter what, you would always be by my side.

I am thankful that I did have the chance to tell you that I was gay. I'm thankful that you knew me better than anyone else, and you knew before I did all the relationships I was in would never work out because they weren't meant to be. I'm thankful that you treated me like you're own, even when you must've hated me, and thought I hated you. You were the best mom ever.

So how do I begin to let life back in? How do I grieve? Yes, I've cried, I've been angry, I've been really sad, but how does one begin to function again? How does one learn to live without the woman who was the whole world? Because I don't have a clue. You've been gone since October 27, 2010. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, and smile, cry, get mad, and feel lost. Does that ever go away? Does this void ever go away? Does it ever get easier? It seems I miss you as much today as the day you left us, and I'm not sure that will ever change. I miss your smile, and your laugh, and well....everything.

I love you mom, with all that I am...

Your daughter,
Jennie
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Giving myself to others has made me jaded...

Post Tue Feb 25, 2014 4:34 pm 
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Raven



Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 1409
Location: Basking in the Garden


Hey Angel Mine,

Its fitting I should read this on Mother's Day I think. Fitting even more so after I teared up thinking about the coming fathers day and remembering how broken up I felt inside just after we buried my father last year.

I know when my mother leave this world it will be even worse for me. Not because I wasn't just as close to my Dad or didn't love him just as much but he played a different role in my life. My mom is the one like you said I call when I'm sick or upset and who can make me feel better with just her voice. But having lost my father who was by all account listening to others talk about their father's my Dad was truly one of the best not just in my head but in actuality. So i know how you feel love. We've even talked about it recently so I know you know but I think this still deserves a reply.

So my reply . . . finally, lol. I think the life lesson you should take from this isn't related to her death but to her life. You should walk away with all the things you mentioned - the how to be a woman and a good person stuff. All the things that made your mom the best mom you could ever have. I know you know this already. But sometimes it helps to hear another say it so we can battle down the thoughts bringing us down better. Your mom was here on earth to bring people love and happiness. Most importantly your family and from your accounts she did just that.

Don't be sad you weren't there. What I learned from my mom was that God has those there that need to be there. I can't tell you what would have been but somehow God knew you didn't need to be there to see her transition. Maybe its because God wants you to remember her for her life and not her death. And considering how you were feeling in this post - battling the why of her death - I'd lay my money on that truly being the reason you weren't there. He's set you up with the task to remember her and be the one that helps everyone remember her.

So when you have your kids one day (and I get to babysit yay \0/) they will know your mother. Cause they'll know you and you are a product of her even though not biologically. Which btw gives me hope that my kids with Tam will one day see me with that same feeling. So thank you for giving me hope - see you're already spreading your mother's memory and love to others.

I love you so much Jennie
~ A
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Love is my Salvation and Destruction.

Post Sun May 11, 2014 2:14 pm 
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