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Partners who nag and blame

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renie



Joined: 03 Jul 2007
Posts: 17
Partners who nag and blame

I am ready to snap. I know in straight relationships, the wife is generally the nagger (according to the husband). My partner (together 20+ years) just cannot stop. She nags about every minutia thing imaginable - the place is a mess, where's my tea, what do you do all day? kind of stuff. I just feel like I'm being worn down in this relationship. How can you possibly want to stay with someone who nags like that? And of course, no matter what happens, it's always my fault. It seems like the last year or so, she's really deteriorated, getting more obnoxious, agitated, unhappy. I am sure alot has to do with hormonal issues and the death of her mom, who she was almost best friends with. I can't imagine starting all over, yet there are days I want to walk out and never turn back. Wonder if this is part of relationship stuff. Her good points: she's honest, responsible, trustworthy, loving, caring, funny, very giving to those she cares about.

Post Fri Feb 04, 2011 10:15 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Yes Renie, this is all part of the relationship stuff - the part that can make long term couples split up! Just because your partner has good qualities it shouldn't mean that you have to be unfairly treated in other respects. You say you feel it could be related to hormnal issues - is she of an age to be going thru menopause? Believe me, this can turn the most same woman crazy and I should know LOL And almost certainly related to the death of a much loved parent.

All I can suggest is that you talk about this, and then talk some more and if necessary more again. Honest communication, as painful as it might be, is the only thing going to change this situation. And if you find it too hard, or she wont listen, then do what you have done here - write her a letter. Not one full of blaming or harping on her faults or full of 'you" messages. Fill it with all the things you love about her AND your relationship and then explain to her WHY these things could be in jephoardy if life continues the way it has been. Use 'I' messages - I feel unappreciated when you........, I would like to hear something positive from you...... .

Its quite possible, if this is hormonally induced, that she is totally unaware of how she is acting and how she sounds. It took me 3 months on HRT to realise that I had been behaving like a total shit to EVERYONE in my life, I just thought the rest of the world was out of step. Im not saying that is what she needs but she may certainly need some medical help. Indded she maybe suffereing from ongoing depression related to her mother's death or her stage of life. Try and gently coax her to take these steps for her own well-being, not framed in the context of 'you need fixing'.

And remember that when someone is contantly nagging and finding fault with us, its natural for us to become defensive and see/hear everything they say as a criticism. Look at your own attitude towards her and try to change that to reflect conern for someone who is going thru a difficult time, not someone who doesnt appreciate her. Sometimes the only person we can change in a relationship is ourselves.

Best of luck girl.




HugZ, MG
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Post Sat Feb 05, 2011 12:09 am 
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renie



Joined: 03 Jul 2007
Posts: 17


Thank you for your very thoughtful response Mysterygirl. Yes, relationships are not perfect, I suppose. But this past year has been extremely difficult. I am so appreciative of every day that I wake up and feel good, and my partner is so negative, not finding any joy in anything (other than a good football game, lol) since her mom died. It's rough and brings me down. I've talked to her numerous times. I've nearly walked out twice and she is so apologetic and sincere, that my heart melts and I believe she'll change. But I'm not so sure. I don't think she cares enough to change right now.

Post Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:21 pm 
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Radiant Spectrum



Joined: 27 Jun 2010
Posts: 11


You might want to seek counseling. Sometimes when two can't seem to communicate, three can. I think it's certainly worth a shot if your relationship is worth it to you.

Post Mon Feb 14, 2011 8:30 am 
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Angel1
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Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 1518
Location: U.K


20 Years is such a long time.It would be such a shame if you can't work things out. Sad Sending an abundance of positive energies for you both.

hugs
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Post Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:00 am 
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cupcakes



Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 324
Location: NY


I came here to write about the exact opposite of your problem. I don't know if I can tell you anything of use, but I commiserate with you and hope things work out for you both.

I'm the one in my (5+ yr) relationship that is "messing things up." My significant other and I have been through a lot. For the most part we're really solid; "the most loving couple we know." We have ups and downs but about a year or two ago, I had a major illness with surgeries etc.
It was hard on both of us, and at the end of it, she was exhausted to the point where she stopped loving me and told me so. I was depressed and insecure and needy. We got over that and I'm physically fine now; it's really beyond the point where I can use it as an excuse...but I see it as a pivotal point in her conduct toward me. I still get really down. My confidence wavers and her patience wears thin. I can see disaster and feel it, but I can't stop myself. I complain. I nag. I get anxious. Small arguments blow up out of nowhere. I blame her for being insensitive and she blames me for being overly sensitive. She's sick of me and I'm sick of her being sick of me.

I love her. She loves me. But love's not the problem. I feel us both wanting out. And I can't fix it.

I am mildly depressed and anxious. Sometimes it gets bad, but I don't want to make surface changes. I don't see myself as having imbalances...I see myself as reacting strongly to real world problems. I'm not sad for the sake of being sad...even when things are out of my control, doesn't mean I'm going to just forget its existence, shrug my shoulders, pop a pill, and smile. I am not comfortable with masking the symptoms of life with mood altering drugs etc. My gf used to understand and respect that. She'd listen to me unload my tears for hours and say she didn't know what the answers were but that she was here. Now she just gets fed up and escapes to her computer or shuts down. She's heard it all a million times already. Her eyes glaze over and she's not present even when we're sitting at the same table. She's forever checking facebook on her phone because she can't stand me or it's more interesting than anything I have to say.

Even though we share many mutual problems...her personality reacts very differently to adversity: she is the "strong one" which means she plugs in her ear phones and doesn't think about things that hurt her. She distracts herself. She never cries. She just does what she has to do until she breaks down and that's when I'm there to break her fall. Her tears are a secret. I soothe her and put her to sleep, watching over. In the morning, it's over, it never happened. She seems to forget that the reason our relationship thrived in the first place was because I'm so transparent and honest and willing to be the one to cry, to reveal all that's at stake.

I don't know...my relationship is rough sometimes and then other times it can be so amazing. Lately we've been oscillating between extreme unhappiness and extreme loveliness. There hasn't been much talk about breaking up but she's definitely considering it. We take for granted that our marriage is solid, but I know nothing is ever for sure.

Things are shitty at the moment. We're not speaking. We're stubborn. I know she wants an apology from me, but I can't give it ( brought home a brownie for her, but haven't given it). I can't bring myself to apologize because even though I know I was "unreasonable" and "a bitch"...I am so mad and frustrated. I want her understanding so badly, but she just doesn't understand.

From my point of view... I feel like she doesn't see my efforts, and the subtle things I try to improve. She's patronizing and freezes me into an image of weakness where there's no room for me to change. Like...if I forget something small, she'll say..."of course you forgot, you always forget. Why would i expect otherwise? etc" or if I start to get teary-eyed she'll sigh and say "there you go again..." so that if there was a chance I could have suppressed it, the waterworks would really come. A million little self-fulfilling prophecies that she doesn't even know she takes part in. And then...there's the "change instantly, I demand it!" attitude, where she acts as if I can snap my fingers and change my mood in an instant if I just "try." Then she flips out and gets furious with me when it doesn't happen.

That's what happened this morning. I'd been begging for attention all morning. I called out her name, I said "I'm depressed, come cuddle with me." A few seconds pause and then I hear house/pop music start to play...I like my beats fast and the bass down low... I felt slighted. Really, really hurt, purposely ignored. I dressed to leave the apartment feeling that my presence was an annoyance. When I told her, she tried to explain that she hadn't heard me, "what can I do to make it better?" She pleaded. But I couldn't be reasoned with, I was so caught up in my hurt. She didn't give me enough time to process the misunderstanding before she snapped with frustration. She got angry. She blocked the door with her body. I felt like a cornered animal. I was furious too and also scared of her wrath. I demanded she let me leave the apartment, at which point, she cussed me out and practically kicked me out of the apartment.

So if I can offer you my two cents...go hold her and saturate her with your love and attention, and not just for a day...for months. She might get over the immediate stress from a good kiss and cuddle session, but climbing out of the crater of depression takes some serious time. I hear that you're tired of continuously being strong for her, but if you really want change, you're going to have to commit active energy into helping her, not just tolerate her nagging. Change your attitude...it's not nagging, it's a plea for affection, a cry for help.
People say only the depressed person can get herself out, it's her sole responsibility, but I believe that love makes a huge difference. Knowing the one you love and trust more than anyone else in the world is on your side... admiring the beauty in you even when you feel at your ugliest... cheering you on with every inner demon you slay... is a powerful nudge in the direction of happiness.

So, get to know her all over again. Re-learn her. Forget the bitterness and press the restart button on your relationship. That's what she needs from you.

Easier said than done. I mean...who am I to give advice when my own relationship is in midst of turbulence...

But what do you need from her? I do not question that your love for her is powerful, but have you reached the point where it's not worth it anymore? If you really do need her to change, then I argue, you are no longer in love with her. It's time to cut your losses and go. Your happiness matters just as much as hers. I am afraid I am pushing my lover, eventually she'll get to the point where she will need to walk away. It's a scary thought. Please do share; it might give me insight on what I can do with my mess

Post Mon Feb 28, 2011 5:30 am 
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MdmPrez



Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 803
Location: US of A
cups

I'm so sorry for what you're going thru, cups.

My feelings on this are when you've tried your very best to make it work and it's not working, then you've reached the point of no-return. I think
it's best to walk away from each other, instead of crashing and burning and coming away with scars and bruises and even hatred. Is there any virtue in destroying two lives? I would rather remember the person
in her more beauteous times and not the worst of times. I would rather walk away still loving her.

Cat

Post Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:31 pm 
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SWAY



Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Posts: 1560
Location: Upstate NY


I would have to say I agree with Mdm on this one ladies. There comes a point in every relationship that it is better to walk away than to hang on to something that could cause hatred and bitterness. Having been in those shoes before I can tell you that it is better to leave when things are still sort of civil than at the very end where everything is bad. Its hard to come away from that sort of end with any sort of good feelings for the person.

I believe cuppy is right too when she said you need to love the person and show them you are there for them, but at the same time do not jeopardize losing your own self in the process. Both parties need to agree to the process whole heartedly or its not going to work.

As for the nagging, is she right? Is there something you could change in order to make it better for her, and for yourself? Sometimes we fail to see our own shortcomings and focus on the other person's. Take a look at yourself and try to change what she's talking about first, and then talk about it. Tell her you are trying, and do not blame her, just ask if maybe things can change. If she's willing to change then give it a go, if not then its time to walk away, plain and simple.

I am no expert on relationships, but I am beginning to understand that its not always the other person that causes the breakup. Its sometimes ourselves we need to take a closer look at and see if we can't change something in ourselves to create a better self for the future.

Hang in there ladies, seems like you are doing what you can to make it work with your loves. Smile

Hugs,
SWAY
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Post Wed Mar 02, 2011 5:09 pm 
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Cavewoman



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby


.............
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Post Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:33 am 
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LostNLove



Joined: 08 Nov 2005
Posts: 40
Location: Texas/Conneticut


i a, soo glad i found my way back here.....such great advice for my partner and I's situation atm..... ours has alot to do with her age and my attitude... am working on that part but sometimes its hard when i am always so far from home...
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Post Sun Jul 22, 2012 1:36 am 
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