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The time has come... I guess...

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girlwithguitar4447



Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan
The time has come... I guess...

So only recently have I started coming out to a few close friends and a couple close co-workers. I avoided saying anything to my parents or sister 1. Because I'm scared shitless to tell them because of their very conservative religious beliefs and 2. because I was involved with a friend who they know pretty well and would automatically assume I was with and she wasn't okay with my family knowing about us(neither was I for that matter). So to protect her (and myself) I kept quiet. Well that relationship is over as of a month ago, though we remain friends I no longer feel the need to protect her and keeping this from my family (we've always been really close) is becoming burdensome. So I guess the time has come. I will be turning 30 in July and I want the next 30 years of my life to begin with them knowing me for who I am. Yet, I am more scared than ever. I know they will not stop loving me or stop talking to me but I don't know if they will truly accept this part of me. I'm afraid it is going to become the elephant in the room from now on. I really don't know how things will go, I just thought I could get some support and courage from here. Thanks for being there.

Post Fri Apr 08, 2011 11:48 am 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
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Gigi. I understand, believe me, how scared you are but you have made a start, with friends and coworkers and that takes courage. And I bet it felt good to finally be honest and free about this part of yourself.

Let me give you back your own words here

I know they will not stop loving me or stop talking to me but I don't know if they will truly accept this part of me. I'm afraid it is going to become the elephant in the room from now on.



But isn't it the elephant in your own mind now? Hasn't it become this enormous weight/barrier between you and your family already cause you are constantly aware they don't know and you have to be so careful about what you say? Already it has taken away your being able to share your joy with them when you WERE in a relationship. You obviously already know them well enough to know you wont be rejected out of hand, and that is a huge step up from what most people start with. Im not minimizing that they might take this hard - but give them a break, its going to be hard. As humans we find changing our mode of thinking on something we thought as an absolute terribly hard. But we CAN, and we DO manage it all the time. I cannot tell you the best way to go about it. Which person might be best to start with, whether a group announcement would work, a letter, you know your family best. You said it yourself

I will be turning 30 in July and I want the next 30 years of my life to begin with them knowing me for who I am.[/b][

It will be awkward at best and painful most likely but you will be free. How much is that worth.?

Im hoping some more of the younger women here can give you some more concrete advice and support.



HugZ, MG
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Post Fri Apr 08, 2011 11:37 pm 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
Re: The time has come... I guess...

quote:
Originally posted by girlwithguitar4447:
I know they will not stop loving me or stop talking to me but I don't know if they will truly accept this part of me.


Thank you for this phrasing. This is exactly where I am right now, and [for other reasons], it might also be in July that I come out to my family.

I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you, but I think MG covered most of the important points. It may just be the time to embrace the awkwardness, acknowledge the fear, and jump right in! Keep us posted; we'll be thinking of you.

~Eilidh

Post Sat Apr 09, 2011 2:35 pm 
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girlwithguitar4447



Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan


An update:

Things got a little complicated and I got a severe case of cold feet so I did not make my deadline of telling my family before my birthday. The complication was I got back together with my friend (who my family knows well) and was again unsure if telling my family would bring some form of repercusions down upon her. Really that was more my excuse; it was the cold feet that kept me from telling them.

Then last Wednesday I went to help my sister refinish some furniture. I could feel this was the perfect oppurtunity to tell her but I was still very nervous. So, knowing my sister (knowing she loves to be nosy but holds back) I told her she was allowed to ask me any question she wanted. She asked a couple smaller, easier questions about my life and then point blank asked if I was a lesbian. I said yes. She said, "okay." She further asked if my friend and I were together, which I also said yes to and to which she just said, "I kinda figured." Knowing her religious beliefs still consider homosexuality as some sort of a sin I was relieved and heartened to see how she seemed to just take it all in stride.

The problem with telling my sister first is my sister is terrible at keeping secrets. I knew that now that she knew I needed to tell my parents. My dad and I were scheduled to do an obstacle course 5k together sunday morning so I suggested afterwards he and my mom and I could go out for breakfast. I told them while we were at breakfast. There followed long periods of silence. My father said nothing. My mom asked how I came to make this decision. I told her I didn't see it as a choice I had made, to which she responded "well we aren't going to agree on that". Apparently she believes I chose this. She did tell me that they will always love me no matter what, but it felt almost as if she was saying we will love you even though you are doing this horrible thing. Nothing more was said about it. I rode back with them to get my car from their house. My mom made general chit chat but we spoke no more about the bomb I had just dropped. My dad did make it a point to walk me to my car and give me a hug. He told me, "I love you, I don't agree with you, but I hope you know i love you."

Though I saw them later that same day nothing else has been said.

I'm not sure what I expected, but the silent shock has been harder to deal with then I thought it would be.

Post Tue Aug 23, 2011 3:07 pm 
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Tracey



Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 1489
Location: Ayr, Scotland


(((((((((GirlwithGuitar)))))))))

sounds like it went quite well
it went better than mine did at first but now my parents love my partner karen
give your parents' time an the awkwardness will hopefully go


*hugs*

Tracey
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Post Tue Aug 23, 2011 6:29 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
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((((((((((((((((((((GiGi))))))))))))))))))

Firstly, well done brave girl. It's so damn hard, isn't it. And it doesn't matter what ages we are, or what sort of families we have, it is just plain hard.
Secondly, from my own personal experience of coming out which is almost as new as yours, I think the silence is pretty normal. You have had so many years to consider this aspect, your family has only had a very short time. Your parents have been thinking about you in one particular way for all your life - give them time, they may need a lot of time. You may even have to reconcile yourself to the fact that they may never full accept your lifestyle. You know what, that is OK. You have told them for your OWN sake, we can't necessarily expect to receive enthusiasm or support (it may or may not come later), the main thing is you are no longer hiding.
I understand that the silence feels weird. I told my 3 adult sons and my 3 sisters back in May (see my posts on this same Forum) and since then my sisters, who didnt take it terribly well, havent referred to it in any shape or form. THe eldest one who lives interstate hasnt contacted me since but I am gradually rebulding a relationship with the one who lives here as i help her out following her injuring herself recently.
Stop looking for anything more hon, you have told them, what they do with the information is their business. Time will change things Im sure so you just need to give them plenty of that, and just continue to be the same person you have always been with them. Show them that being gay is only a very small part of the complex, wonderful person that you are. Don't make it ALL you are.
HugZ again for taking such a HUGE step.



MG
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Post Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:45 pm 
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Outdoors65



Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Posts: 282
Location: Anywhere Outside


Congrats GG

Just keep being you...hopefully, your parents will come around after reflecting on your childhood, and will realize you didn't "decide" anything.

Kudos to you for following your heart!
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Outdoors

Post Wed Aug 24, 2011 2:11 am 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GiGi)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))),

I can't add anything to the wise words of the ladies above me, except this:

quote:
Originally posted by girlwithguitar4447:
My dad and I were scheduled to do an obstacle course 5k together [...]


I might just be silly right now, but this is an awesome image. Sometimes the coming out process can feel like a bit of an obstacle course, especially when we're dealing with the people closest to us. However, it sounds like you did just fine. MG is right -- you've had time to yourself to work things through. Now is the time to give your family that same opportunity.

Hugs,
Eilidh Arrow

Post Thu Aug 25, 2011 9:50 am 
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girlwithguitar4447



Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan


Ladies:

Thank you so much for your kind words. I see the wisdom in what you all say I just find it hard to be too hopeful. My parenst are very religious and so I do not see their views changing. The most I hope for is an acceptance of me as a whole. This comprises such a small part of who I am and I wish for them to see that. I suppose I need just to be patient and allow them processing time but that is hard for me to do. As for the obstacle course... I think the actual obstacle course with a 70 ft hill, log over a pond, monster truck tires to clamber over, netting to army crawl under, and the 6 ft walls you had to jump and get yourself over... well all that was easier then telling my parents! But, it is done.

Post Thu Aug 25, 2011 5:24 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
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Yes it is done. I think it is natural to feel a kind of anticlimax GiGi, after all you have been building up to this moment for so long and now......nothing. I felt very much like you at first, wondering where this great sense of relief was that I had been told I would feel. In fact I actually felt even MORE anxiety for quite some time. But be patient, sometimes its the little things that slowly come to the fore that matters.
For me it began when I received some lesbian DVDs that I had ordered online. Nothing new there LOL but I suddenly realised I could just put them on the shelf in my room and not worry who might see them. I didnt want to draw attention to them, or make my straight friends of family watch them with me, I just wanted not to have to hide them.
Be patient even though its hard and just live the beginning of your new life.......which, interestly enough, wont look that much different to your old one. Except, like the DVDs, you wont be hiding it.
Much hugz.
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Post Fri Aug 26, 2011 12:11 am 
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girlwithguitar4447



Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan


Just an update.

Per my parents request I went and had dinner with them last Friday night. They said they wanted to talk "about the bombshell I dropped" on them. I went, rather apprehensively, not knowing what they wanted to say. In general I would say the conversation went okay. They told me they love me and don't want to lose me so they are trying to come to terms with my news. However, they could not bring themselves to use the words gay or lesbian and instead referred to "it" and "that". That was difficult for me as it indicated there was a part of who I am they cannot even name. My mother also compared dealing with my news to the stages of grief. I'm guessing then they are still in the denial stage. The hardest part was listening to them tell me they still believe this is a choice I am making. I didn't try to argue the point as it would have gotten us nowhere. They mentioned also they want to love me but cannot compromise their belief that this is wrong. I asked them what it is their beliefs do not allow them to do and they could not answer that question. And though I know (through my sister) that my mom at least knows that my "roommate" of the last 2 years is actually my girlfriend there was no mention of that at dinner. They seem unwilling to talk about me with another woman.

Sigh. Perhaps this is all normal. I am trying to be patient and give them time to adjust but it's hard because I suck at being patient!

Anyway. Thank you all for your kind words and for helping me through this. I don't know if I would have had the courage to speak up if not for your support.

Post Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:08 am 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


I think it is all pretty normal GiGi. My sister also used the expresson 'that' when talking to me, and she also expressed her view that "this was my choice and I would have to live with it". You are right in not arguing with your parents abut whether this is a choice or not. Try hard not to be impatient, Instead be grateful that your parents have not cut all ties with you or become abusive. I understand that we shouldnt have to be grateful to be accepted for who we are but it is just the way it is. I believe that given time, which will indeed show your parents that this is not a phase, they will become more comfortable with you again even if they NEVER find it possible to use the words 'gay' or 'lesbian'.
LOL I had a hard time openly using those words myself in the beginning.

Get on with your life, laugh, love, have fun. Don;t spend your time waiting for other people's approval - you are beautiful and worthy just as you are.



HugZ, MG
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Post Wed Oct 12, 2011 8:15 am 
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naturelover



Joined: 19 Sep 2009
Posts: 70
Location: East Coast US


(((((((((GiGi)))))))))))
Hang in there.
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Post Fri Oct 14, 2011 12:57 am 
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