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dont know what to do. help please!

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AFAALF



Joined: 21 Apr 2006
Posts: 38
dont know what to do. help please!

my girlfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. She's started liking a guy and he claims to be in love with her. She keeps telling me she loves me and only wants to be with me. I asked her to stop talking to him because he started texting me saying I didn't stand a chance against him basically saying I'm ugly. He's acting like this is a game and I don't see it as a game. I love her. I'm not going to compete with a self centered arrogant jackass. He's trying to intimidate me into breaking up with her. He doesn't scare me in the least. I don't know what to do though. I'm so depressed.

Post Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:13 am 
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fortheloveofagood...
Site Admin


Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty


Hey Afaalf,

I am sorry that someone else has intruded into your relationship and is threatening you. I'm wondering about the fact that she still likes him even tho' he is sending you these kind of texts? But maybe that is a side issue. Block his number from your phone.

It would be good if you and your gf could sit down and decide how you are going to deal with this as a couple. How is it making her feel, how is it making you feel? Open communication, and then problem solve together.

It may not be very nice to think the person you love is attracted to someone else, and maybe it's a shock if she identifies as lesbian and this has happened with a man. BUT having said that, it does happen, either you or your partner can be attracted to someone who likes you in return. Doesn't mean you break up with the person you are in love with to be with them.

So, my advice would be how best to deal with the situation, together, as a team, united. You have to trust that she loves you and wants to be with you, and there is no competition to be had, step out of that ring right now. You don't have to fight for someone, either your gf wants to be with you or not, that is her decision, regardless of who is attracted to her and who she may be attracted to back. Attraction is attraction. Focus on the love you both have for each other.

Stay strong, stay positive, all relationships go through tests and this sounds like one of them.

All the best
Kx
_________________
-----------------------------------------------------

'don't hate your enemies, it clouds your judgement'

~peace comes from knowing only love is real~

Post Tue Nov 02, 2010 1:26 pm 
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jezzie



Joined: 01 Oct 2004
Posts: 58


I agree with fortheloveofagood that you and your gf should talk about it. Be honest about how you feel. I'm a coward when it gets to speaking of my negative feelings with my gf, but it never turned out to be a bad decision. Ask her straight and forward to tell you the truth if she is attracted to him or not, no matter how unpleasant the truth might be. Stay calm all the time. If you decide that you thrust her, than thrust her all the way. Don't start to suspect her if things don't look to bright.
I find it very possible that she told you the truth, that she loves you and wants to be with you, and that she is only intrigued by attention of this guy. Maybe she can't explain it to herself either.
About the behavior of that guy... I would confront him and told him in face to stop hitting on your woman. If your gf would also be there with you and told him by herself that she is not interested in him it would be even better.
But be careful. If you think that there is any possibility that he might turn out aggressive, block his number and try to ignore him.
Stay strong, fingers crossed!
Keep us updated Arrow

Post Tue Nov 02, 2010 1:54 pm 
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AFAALF



Joined: 21 Apr 2006
Posts: 38


Thank you both. I'll talk to her when she gets off in a little bit. I've had trust issues. People I dated before her cheated on me. She was the only one that never did and promised she never would. I asked her a couple weeks ago if she liked him more than a friend and she said no. She lied to me so I have a problem believing her now. I love her with all my heart. It just feels like my heart is breaking and it hurts so much.

Post Tue Nov 02, 2010 5:23 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


I can't really add too much more that has already been said except to reinforce that open communication is the only way. I know you are scared and I know your heartbroken, but if your GF isnt on the straight and narrow with you, you will be like that whether you confront her or not. Wouldn't it be better to know the truth? Try and stay calm, give her a chance to explain herself but listen, truly listen to what she tells you, after all this time together you ought to know whether she is telling you the truth or not.

As regards the guy, my advice would be NOT to go near him, simply remove his no. from your phone. As strange as it might sound HE is not the issue. If your GF is seriously committed to your relationship then all the two of you have to do is cut him from your life. If she isn't - then the choice is hers, not his.




HugZ, MG
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Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Tue Nov 02, 2010 11:30 pm 
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AFAALF



Joined: 21 Apr 2006
Posts: 38


Well just to give everyone an update I am now single and miserable. She couldn't stop talking to him after she promised she would. It was obvious to me who she wanted to be with. I went out and was stupid and had sex with a guy friend of mine and now might be pregnant. I've cried every night since we broke up. I hate my life now and I had never loved her. I gave up so much for her and she made the decision to throw away five years she says was amazing for some guy she doesn't even know. The guy I slept with has been a friend of mine forever I've always loved him but I chose her because I was in love with her. She doesn't love him but chose him over me. I don't want to hurt anymore but she won't get back with me. She just wants to be friends I don't know if I can do that but I'd die if she didn't talk to me or come around. My heart is shattered because of her.

Post Mon Nov 08, 2010 3:29 am 
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jezzie



Joined: 01 Oct 2004
Posts: 58


((((((((AFAALF))))))))
hold on and don't do stupid things like sleeping with someone just because you're sad and broken. As much as it hurts now,it will get better. Time will do it's job in healing emotions. There is some girl out there who deserves you.


Last edited by jezzie on Wed Nov 10, 2010 1:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:38 pm 
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fortheloveofagood...
Site Admin


Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty


(((((((((A))))))))))))

i agree with jezzie... try and stay safe right now... spend sometime with friends who can hug and hold you through this painful period... maybe get some counselling? local lesbian & gay switchboard... to keep a halt on any self destructive behaviour... express your anger outward, but try not to hurt yourself...

xxx
_________________
-----------------------------------------------------

'don't hate your enemies, it clouds your judgement'

~peace comes from knowing only love is real~

Post Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:23 am 
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AFAALF



Joined: 21 Apr 2006
Posts: 38


I had a really bad night last night. I called my brother in georgia at 1:30 last night. I was so hysterical I couldn't stop crying. He went through the same thing with his ex-wife. I'm thinking about moving down there with him for awhile just until I get over this. I told my ex and she doesn't want me to go because she'll miss me but I can't stay here. I've always done what she's asked me to but I can't do it anymore. I just don't want to be miserable anymore and I don't know I'll do if I see her out with him. I'd never hurt her but I don't what I'd do right now.

Post Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:56 pm 
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Cavewoman



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby


1. stay sober ... no drugs ... no boozin
2. if she will talk with you, talk with her ... meet in the park? spend time... even if its quiet and uncomfortable
3. its hard
you love her you say ... i believe you ...
believe yourself ... believe her ... hear what she is saying ... not as you wish to hear it ... but as she means it
trust
4. if its absolutely impossible for you to stomach any and all possible realites right now ... then yeah, go hang with your brother for a while ... get away BUT
5. you know as well as we all do... as some point you must face the total reality of this everything .... pregnant? her/you? her/him? ... all of it....

i don't mean to be the heavy here ..... but its true ... you felt threatened, feel threatened/abandoned ... she's not providing any behavior to help you disbelieve those feelings ....

so
1. calm yourself .... life WILL go on ... absolutely NOT exactly as you had planned
2. calm yourself .... life WILL go on .... its merry little way ... which agreed, you can find no comfort in at the moment
3. calm .... this IS life!!!!!!!!!! it is NOT predictable.. it is not neat and tidy
4. you love her .... does she love you?
5. make it work no matter what the extranious circumstances seem to indicate ... why? (because this is YOUR life)

hard .. cruel .. .dry .....
i'm sorry about all of this but its just the truth

lastly... FORGIVE YOURSELF ..... you are human ... you are real ... you are vulnerable ... you are loveable, touchable... you are alive and with all those things taken into account; you WILL have a life to live ... choose it ...

DECIDE
what do you want?
what are your real choices?
what options work?
(psst! yep, this is how life goes) ... without absolute dedication to an astounding choice this is how life is ....
if you would like life to go in a much different direction ... then you must choose no emotional attachments (and personally? i find that totally yucky)
no ... i am not making light of your current situation, it totally sucks and i've been there ... my first love had a few male partners, my third got pregnant (and it wasn't by me) .. etc. ...
the message i'm trying to send is CHOOSE... DECIDE
what do you want?
what will you sacrifice?
what energy will you devote?
and then
do it.

I am very certain you believe that you already did all those things ... and for all i know, you did ..... i certainly thought i had done all those things until many birthday cakes had passed ... which is when i discovered that i really hadn't...
meaning = yeah, i tossed out my beliefs and my expectations BUT with the mask of love on my face i really had pretty much allowed anything to occur as long as i felt loved ... and that's not love... if i'm talking out my back side, forgive me ... i can only speak from experience

Choose
Decide
Do It
Find your will
Live your will
Another WILL agree... circumstances WILL coincide ... life WILL go on
with or without you

how can i say all this cold/icy? ...
just went through it m'am
and its taken a couple years to get my bearings
but i know i'm right
all Chakras in alignment
all crystals sparkly
and more importantly, i'm not crying .. i'm not hurting

Face reality
its the only way
_________________
" The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews

Post Thu Nov 11, 2010 8:58 am 
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fortheloveofagood...
Site Admin


Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty


Cave - thank you for posting that... as X~ would say, You Rock...

Afaalf - you would be wise to print out what cave has written and keep it with you! It's a valuable reminder and source of wisdom, based on experience and sent with love.

I may pin it on my wall myself!

Love
Kx
_________________
-----------------------------------------------------

'don't hate your enemies, it clouds your judgement'

~peace comes from knowing only love is real~

Post Thu Nov 11, 2010 9:23 am 
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AFAALF



Joined: 21 Apr 2006
Posts: 38


Thank you all. I will print that out. I'm working on some things. Trying to figure out shit. Thank you all very much for everything.

Post Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:31 pm 
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MdmPrez



Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 803
Location: US of A
Afaalf

Among the things others have suggested here, I submit to you that first and foremost you should find out if, in fact, you are pregnant.

Cat

Post Fri Nov 12, 2010 1:50 am 
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jezzie



Joined: 01 Oct 2004
Posts: 58


MdmPrez has the point. Test yourself also for sexually transmitted diseases.. If you could get pregnant you could get infected too.. Fingers crossed that you're OK!

Post Sun Nov 14, 2010 3:21 pm 
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AFAALF



Joined: 21 Apr 2006
Posts: 38


I plan on getting tested. To make sure I'm not pregnant and to make sure I haven't caught anything.

Post Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:36 am 
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