i set my goal two years ago...
i've made peace with the fact that i've hid like a coward all my life..
i've embraced who i am....
i joined Mels...
i've been here well over a year and only need two hands to count my number of posts..
but i've been around...just reading...
trying to cull every ounce of the wonderful support that is the heart of this place..
i honestly thought i'd be out by now...
but it doesn't seem as if i've budged at all...
i'm still trapped and suffocating here in good ole Git-A-Rope, Texas..
a static picnic in hell...
god, i feel like my soul is dying a slow death...
sometimes i have to just go to the bathroom, lock the door...
and turn on the water so that my children can't hear me crying...
it's just the same story that you all have heard many times...
pretended to be straight all my life..
got married, somehow thought that would "cure" me..
(yeah, i know, i'm such an idiot)
have two young children...very loving and sweet.
and they are my absolute saving graces...
i'm married to a wonderful man who is such a loving and devoted father....
and he's always been so good to me...
he certainly doesn't deserve this level of deceit from anyone..
16 years of marriage that has been a total lie...
and dear god, he is the best friend i've ever had..
the bottom line is that i am going to crush everyone i love...
sometimes, i just try and accept that this may be my lot in life..
and i need to just accept it and go on...
but then sometimes...
a lot of the time....like now.....late at night....
i fall apart all over again....
and i feel like i die a little each time...
sorry to bum the hell out of everyone..
i'm not asking for solutions...
i think mostly i just needed to finally write something in here..
thanks for listening... _________________
You are the cool and gentle summer rain
as it abounds to the earth,
awakens the dirt,
and lifts the withered bloom to the sun again.
Thu Sep 18, 2008 4:40 am
Eilidh Moderators
Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
{{{{{{{wallflower}}}}}}}},
Sometimes our goals need reevaluation. It's two years later and you're not out. Okay, so you didn't reach that particular goal. Can you make a new one, with a more specific process in mind as to how you will accomplish it?
Are you out to any of your friends? Is there anyone in your life who you could trust enough to share this part of yourself with? While I wouldn't advocate hiding your whole life long, you also need to make sure you're completely ready when you do decide to come out to your husband and accept any consequences this action might have. Who knows, he might have suspected something already or he might be completely accepting of you and happy that you are being true to yourself. You'll never know unless you go ahead and do it. Trust yourself. Trust your own intuition.
If you ever want someone to talk to or someone just to listen, I am only a PM away.
Hugs,
Eilidh
Thu Sep 18, 2008 3:15 pm
Karigan
Joined: 02 Feb 2008
Posts: 59
You could be me. I wrote a post very similiar to yours, and fear I may never come out either. I have a loving husband, 3 beautiful kids, and there are times at night where I just want to scream, for I don't think I will ever be happy either.
I probably can't help you too much since I am in the same situation, but if you ever need anyone to talk to (since we are going through the same thing) don't hesitate to pm me here at Mels. I know I need the support as much as you
Thu Sep 18, 2008 6:43 pm
twilight
Joined: 29 Sep 2004
Posts: 1035
Location: First Star on the Right Straight on til Morning
Ok Ladies... I have been there. And comong out was the greatest thing for me. I had to wait til the time was right. It was not what ended my marriage, something else did. But if you ever need tot talk... I am also only a p m away! _________________ Twilight, Her Royal Highness, The Queen of Fun and Games
The lengthening shadows wait The first pale stars of twilight. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Fri Sep 19, 2008 3:47 am
Karigan
Joined: 02 Feb 2008
Posts: 59
Wow I just read this post again after 2 years, and it is still the same situation I am in today..I really wish the author would of confided in me, she could be me (but meh she is too far away in Texas lol) /hugs to wallflower and hope she is doing better then me.
Wed May 05, 2010 12:42 am
SexyKaz
Joined: 28 Jun 2009
Posts: 124
((((((((Karigan)))))))))) ((((((((((Wallflower))))))))))) I was in the same position as you both.2 yrs is nothing in the grand scheme of things.Dont be so hard on yourselves.It took me 15yrs to come out to my husband and family.I made myself really sick over it .It was the best thing i ever did.
You will both do it when the time is right.In the meantime if either of you need to talk.PM me it will be my pleasure to listen .
Take care Kaz _________________ To write with a broken pencil is pointless!
Wed May 05, 2010 5:56 am
wys2uways
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 272
Kaz is right.
Two years is not long in the grand scheme of things.
It took me a bit to come out
and it was also the best thing that I ever did.
Everyone has their own right time.
Find your strength in those that have walked the road before you.
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