BACK TO HOME PAGE SITE NAVIGATION CONTACT POETRY FORUM STORY FORUM   Horoscope  Radio  Gallery  FAQ   Search   Memberlist   Usergroups   Register   Profile   PM's   
Log in 
 
General Forum Index -> Coming Out....

Married and don't know what to do...

Ladies Lifestyle and Living Store
  Author    Thread Post new topic Reply to topic
samantha_01



Joined: 09 May 2008
Posts: 1
Married and don't know what to do...

Time and time again I think of women in a sexual way. I'm married to a good guy but women stay at the back of my mind. I try to supress it because I'm catholic. But women turn me on more then men. I feel like I"m screwed either way. I thought of seperating from my husband and try to be with a women to see if that is what is for me but I'm scared shitless. What would you do?

Post Fri May 09, 2008 9:10 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Redsy



Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 86
Location: South west UK


Hi samantha_01,

Difficult situation... and only you can really decide what to do. I think maybe you need to ask yourself some serious questions...

Do you love your husband?
Do you want to be with your husband?
Are your feelings so strong that you feel you have to act on them?

Do you have anyone else you can talk to?
Does your husband know at all?
Would he talk with you about it? - some (not all!) men can be very supportive, as long as you're honest with them: if he loves you, he'll want you to be happy... But that is something only you can decide (whether to talk to him about it).

What would I do? Well, I wasn't quite married, but I was engaged when I came to that particular realization about myself. I told my fiance, and in the end we split up - he understood, but was broken up about it. It was a bad time in my life, I hated that I'd hurt him so much, but in the end, I knew I didn't love him the way he deserved/needed and I wasn't attracted to him at all. I couldn't stay in the relationship because it was false. He's since moved on and is quite happy I think, although I haven't spoken with him in years, we still have mutual friends, so I get the occasional 'update' Wink

For me, I felt this huge release, came off the anti-depressants, and am very happy with my decision, although it was difficult at first.

Exclamation

Post Sun May 11, 2008 10:18 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Eia



Joined: 06 Dec 2007
Posts: 34


I agree with Redsy. only you can make that decision because either way, you are the one that has to live with it

Post Tue May 20, 2008 3:40 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger  Reply with quote  
nmw2



Joined: 24 Jun 2006
Posts: 68


I was married for 16 years to the same man. Have 2 kids with him. I, stayed with him alot of years in denial. After many years of beating myself up, and fantasizing about women every time we had sex, I decided I couldn't live that way anymore. Its been almost 2 years now, I am with a woman whom I love with all my heart. For me, it was the best decision I ever made. There is no QUESTION in my mind that I am gay. I don't even THINK about men at all. Life is short, what you ahve isn't true love. You shouldn't stay in a relationship where you aren't 100% there.

Post Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:38 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
DanceofSorrows



Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837


Sam,

I see that this is an older topic and who knows if you are still reading it. Still, it is a topic that has affected me in the past. I cannot comment on anything specific to your situation but I can share with you a small part of my story as honestly as I can.

I was married and had two children at the time I flirted with my longtime, repressed sexual feelings. I remember the exact day in my mind i just said "Fuck it, I am going to do what I want to do" and that night I went into a lesbian chat room and made instant friends. It was thrilling, scary, exciting and a host of other things. Struggling with same sex attraction and repressing it in the past was only one of the issues here. The other issue was that we were on our way to separating and I was sleeping in the computer room for about a year before I ventured in that direction. We had tried counseling a few times to no avail. Looking back, I was also heavily depressed and had no emotional support by him. Some men just do not know how and I am not blaming him for that, but it did also contribute to discovering my desire and need for that in a relationship.

When I got married I expected it to be forever. I just did not know what that would cost me. I was also immature and living in the black and white of things of what should be instead of genuine living. I tried to deal with my relationship with him first before I dealt with anything else. And I do hold myself part blame of that failed relationship. Looking back, not everything was solely about sexuality...but also about the other issues in our relationship at the time.

It is hard to know what to hold onto and when to let go sometimes. It is easy to justify actions sometimes whether one is with a man or a woman, that does not matter. There were certain things in our relationship I was no longer willing to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship like; emotional support, intimate intellectual connection and honesty, and someone to stand up for me (maybe not always on the point of principle of an argument but for the principle of respect and loyalty). And it does not really matter had it been with a man or a woman at that time, these things were issues intimate between our relationship and counseling did not move us in a direction of change. Maybe we were both stubborn, selfish, immature...who knows. Maybe we just could not achieve that as a couple.

I have learned that sexual preference does not absolve many issues that can take place. I definitely have more emotional support with women than with my marriage. If my wife were a man I would be with her still for many reasons. But I do love her for being a woman and being who she is beyond being defined by that alone. I am sexually attracted to some women, but not all but that is just the same in the hetero world as well.

Maybe in this whole thing, before making the issue solely about sexuality... it is about dealing honestly with the relationship you have in front of you before anything else. Maybe there are many discoveries to be made about your needs as a person and your desires beyond just sexual orientation. I do believe that sexual orientation is a major factor in relationships, of course. I am with a woman. But I also know that relationships also extend beyond those perimeters with certain values, beliefs, and issues that are genderless within an intimate relationship.

Anyhow... Good luck to you.


Dance~

Post Mon Dec 08, 2008 4:53 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
ciphergirl



Joined: 05 Oct 2007
Posts: 18


As Dance said, I realize this is an old post but it's something I am dealing with at the moment and in case there is anyone else out there like us, married and dealing with the realization that they maybe attracted to woman, I wanted to post my situation.

I am married, it's been 5 years and my husband is an amazing person. I have always had an attraction to woman but I have been in a deep denial for most of my life. I even had a relationship with a woman when I was a teenager and still didn't realize it. I just thought it was about the person rather then what sex they are. I still believe that is true for some people but within the last year and a half or so I have come to believe that is not true for me.

It's been a rough year after I finally convinced myself that its something that I am not going to be able to put back in a little box in my deep subconscious. Not being able to deal with it alone I came out to a few of my friends who have been beyond supportive.

I also talked to my husband about it about 6 months ago but told him I didn't know what I wanted to do. He loves me so much and is willing to just hang on which actually makes it that much harder. I have gone through depression, insomnia, and I have been obsessive about it for some time. Reading stories, watching every romantic lesbian flick I can find, talking my friends ears off, and spending a ridiculous amount of time on forums like this one. I started smoking again after having quit for 5 years... I drank pretty heavily for awhile. Nothing has really helped. I decided to try and be "less gay" by avoiding the things I was using to obsess, but then I would still dream about it.

I have been a bear to my husband, he is a super sweet guy but I have taken my frustration out on him in the form of general cruelty. I snap at him for stupid things, I avoid him and I ignore him. It hasn't been fair to him at all. This month I finally told him that we have to figure something out. I apologized to him and told him if he would let me I would always be a part of his life. I told him we need to work on it as I am still unsure of what I want or how I want to live. We decided that a short separation to figure some things out would be a good start. It was upsetting for both of us but he still is my best friend and in the end he told me he wanted me to be happy.

I still don't know what I want I just know that the way things are are really fucked up. The thing that I never thought about was how hard it is on the person that is leaving the marriage. I have a life here. I have a house, I have dogs, I have mutual friends, I have shared finances and most of all I still have love for him. Some of you have posted that you have children. I do not and I think that would make it impossibly hard, I feel for you.

I guess the hardest part for me is the uncertainty. It's clear that I am attracted to woman and its clear that my soul is screaming for me to find that person that I can connect with. On the other hand I do love my husband, I love our life, I love the idea of the future we promised to share. I guess I wish I could have a "do over" so I could have figured this all out before I went and promised to be with someone forever...

Sometimes I wish my husband would just let me go. Leave me and let me sort this out. I feel so much guilt about screwing with his life so much. I know I am being cowardly by wishing someone else would do the dirty work but this situation is pretty hard, I am realizing I am gay and I am realizing that my marriage is in serious trouble and I am trying to deal with both at the same time.

Well anyways. That's my story and though the tone is relatively unhappy I have to say the only thing that has made me feel better about it is being honest with him and trying to deal with it. When we talked about separating it hurt very bad but I also felt tremendous relief to get it off my chest. I wish anyone else going through this the best of luck.

Thanks for reading - ~Cipher

Post Sun Jan 18, 2009 1:19 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A


Excellant post! Thanks for sharing your story w/ us, Cipher!

quote:
Originally posted by ciphergirl:
As Dance said, I realize this is an old post but it's something I am dealing with at the moment and in case there is anyone else out there like us, married and dealing with the realization that they maybe attracted to woman, I wanted to post my situation.

I am married, it's been 5 years and my husband is an amazing person. I have always had an attraction to woman but I have been in a deep denial for most of my life. I even had a relationship with a woman when I was a teenager and still didn't realize it. I just thought it was about the person rather then what sex they are. I still believe that is true for some people but within the last year and a half or so I have come to believe that is not true for me.

It's been a rough year after I finally convinced myself that its something that I am not going to be able to put back in a little box in my deep subconscious. Not being able to deal with it alone I came out to a few of my friends who have been beyond supportive.

I also talked to my husband about it about 6 months ago but told him I didn't know what I wanted to do. He loves me so much and is willing to just hang on which actually makes it that much harder. I have gone through depression, insomnia, and I have been obsessive about it for some time. Reading stories, watching every romantic lesbian flick I can find, talking my friends ears off, and spending a ridiculous amount of time on forums like this one. I started smoking again after having quit for 5 years... I drank pretty heavily for awhile. Nothing has really helped. I decided to try and be "less gay" by avoiding the things I was using to obsess, but then I would still dream about it.

I have been a bear to my husband, he is a super sweet guy but I have taken my frustration out on him in the form of general cruelty. I snap at him for stupid things, I avoid him and I ignore him. It hasn't been fair to him at all. This month I finally told him that we have to figure something out. I apologized to him and told him if he would let me I would always be a part of his life. I told him we need to work on it as I am still unsure of what I want or how I want to live. We decided that a short separation to figure some things out would be a good start. It was upsetting for both of us but he still is my best friend and in the end he told me he wanted me to be happy.

I still don't know what I want I just know that the way things are are really fucked up. The thing that I never thought about was how hard it is on the person that is leaving the marriage. I have a life here. I have a house, I have dogs, I have mutual friends, I have shared finances and most of all I still have love for him. Some of you have posted that you have children. I do not and I think that would make it impossibly hard, I feel for you.

I guess the hardest part for me is the uncertainty. It's clear that I am attracted to woman and its clear that my soul is screaming for me to find that person that I can connect with. On the other hand I do love my husband, I love our life, I love the idea of the future we promised to share. I guess I wish I could have a "do over" so I could have figured this all out before I went and promised to be with someone forever...

Sometimes I wish my husband would just let me go. Leave me and let me sort this out. I feel so much guilt about screwing with his life so much. I know I am being cowardly by wishing someone else would do the dirty work but this situation is pretty hard, I am realizing I am gay and I am realizing that my marriage is in serious trouble and I am trying to deal with both at the same time.

Well anyways. That's my story and though the tone is relatively unhappy I have to say the only thing that has made me feel better about it is being honest with him and trying to deal with it. When we talked about separating it hurt very bad but I also felt tremendous relief to get it off my chest. I wish anyone else going through this the best of luck.

Thanks for reading - ~Cipher

Post Sat Jan 24, 2009 7:15 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Even though this thread is quite old I just had to reply, as after reading 'Ciphergirl's post I felt as if I could have written it myself, almost word for word. It is good to know that I am not the only person to go through this situation, but I still don't know what to do.
Ciphergirl are you still out there? It would be great to find out how things are working out for you.
The only real difference in our situations, as far as I can tell from the post, is that I have never been in a relationship with a woman, and the reason i have spent mosty of my life in denial is because of fairly strong religious beliefs, which i am currently working through in addition to everything else.
I guess I have wanted to tell my own story, but I have hesitated because it seems that everyone has enough of their own problems and no-one would be interested in hearing about mine. But if anyone does have some advice I would appreciate it. I feel like I am going crazy trying to sort this out.

Post Mon Oct 12, 2009 12:28 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


((((((WonderWhy)))))))

These threads are timeless in a certain way. While you shouldn't necessarily pull up an old thread just to comment one or two words on it, what you have done here is perfectly fine. I, for one, would love to hear your story.

You can also PM Ciphergirl directly, as people may or may not see that this thread is active again. Just click on the "PM" link at the top right corner of this page.

~Eilidh

Post Mon Oct 12, 2009 5:53 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
PipSqueak



Joined: 04 Jul 2008
Posts: 987
Location: S.W. England


Hey WW, I pm'd you! Purple Smile

Post Mon Oct 12, 2009 9:54 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A
People will know the thread is active...

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to let you all know not to worry about whether or not a member will see this thread as active. B/c the answer is they will. The reason i know is b/c whenever i post to a thread, there is an option to recieve notification of replies or not. I almost always choose to be notified, and i'm sure many others do to. That's how i knew to come read this thread today, b/c i was notified of a reply.

In other words, those of us who have posted on this thread (or any thread) before, regardless of how long ago, will most likely be notified of any replies that are made, by anyone. And also, all other members will then be aware that the thread is suddenly active, simply based on recent activity (which puts the thread at the top of the messaghe boards).

I just thought i'd share this, just in-case it is helpful for anyone to know, as it's what i have observed. That's why personally, i don't mind when members post on old threads.

Post Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:22 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Yes, storybellz, you're quite right ... as long as the person has not unchecked the "receive notification" box. I guess I was just covering for the exceptions Wink

~Eilidh

Post Tue Oct 13, 2009 7:31 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
  Display posts from previous:      
Post new topic Reply to topic

Jump to:  


Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

 


Search For Posters!


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group

In Association with Amazon.com
     
Terms & Conditions Privacy Statement Acknowledgements