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Advice Please!!Coming Out To Family=Scary

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cep



Joined: 07 Jul 2009
Posts: 2
Location: Canada
Advice Please!!Coming Out To Family=Scary

Hi all,
I'm 18, just graduated high school and heading off to university in Sept.Like everyone else I have sexual desires and fantasies, but I find I am much more sexually attracted to women than to men. I know this is long but please bear with me and continue reading I need advice. I'm scared to come out to my family because I haven't been in a relationship with either a man or another woman. When I think about being in a relationship with someone I automatically see another woman. I want to be in a relationship with a woman. Whenever I think about sex with a man it kinda grosses me out. I have been struggling to tell my family for the past couple of years and am just looking for some advice and support from those who have gone through similar situations themselves.

Last summer I came out to my four closest girl friends.We were having a discussion one day and I decided that I didn't want to hide anymore so I ended up telling them that I was a lesbian.They were totally fine with it at the time but come the beginning of Sept, grade 12 they ditched me as a friend and shunned me from the group without an explanation. I think it worked out for the best because I got to see who they really were as people and also met a new group a friends who are awesome. I am teriffied of telling my family because my mom found out about it by one of their moms and questioned me on it. I remember just sitting there seeing the look of horror on her face. I think she'll be fine with it if I end up telling her because I know she justs wants what makes me happy but she doesn't what to see me struggle throughout life if this is my lifestyle.

I wanted to tell my family before I left for school in sept that way if I end up meeting someone they will have time to think about what I have told them,absorb it and hopefully come to accept it as a part of who I am. I also want to tell them because I don't just want to visit them on the weekend and say mom dad this is my girlfriend and have them disown us both.

So, I was just wondering what your opinions would be on this situation and how to actually tell them that I'm a lesbian.
Thanks so much

Post Thu Aug 27, 2009 1:40 am 
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Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Hi cep,

Firstly, welcome to Mels! I'm glad you found us. If you post an introduction in the "Members Introduction" section, you're bound to get warm welcomes there, too Wink

I felt compelled to respond to your post because I have been in a very similar situation and I am a few years older than you Wink Like you, I have also never been in a relationship with anyone, yet when I think about long-term relationships and "settling down", I could never imagine being with a man; I can only see myself with another woman.

Yet how do you explain your feelings without any "real" proof to back them up, i.e. a partner of some sort? I think the answer is simply, you don't need proof. You know who you are and you know what sort of relationships you prefer. The rest is just details. If your mom already suspects something, then why not just tell her more or less what you have written here: that you know she just wants you to be happy, that you may struggle, but forcing yourself into a straight relationship would intensify that struggle, that you just want to be honest with her. Then give your mom and the rest of your family some time to adjust; they'll come around.

I think you're on the right track and you've already written some good preliminary thoughts here. Maybe some other women will come along and offer you more specific suggestions on how to broach the topic.

Just remember to take things slowly and be gentle with yourself.

~Eilidh

Post Thu Aug 27, 2009 4:04 am 
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cep



Joined: 07 Jul 2009
Posts: 2
Location: Canada


Hey Eilidh

Thank you for the warm welcome to Mels. I don’t have any lesbian/gay friends that I can turn to about this and who have gone through similar situations so I’ve just been trying to get support anywhere I can. I’m having a hard time coming out to my family because I always doubt myself and think what if I’m not. What if I tell them that I’m a lesbian and then find out later that I’m not? I don’t know it’s just so hard. I want to be with another woman in the long run but there’s always something that tells me to try it with a guy just to see. Is that weird? I also hate it when my family jokes around about my future husband. I get angry and frustrated when they do that. I know it’s not their fault and they’re not doing it on purpose because they don’t know. I have been struggling with this since grade 7-8 and am just so tired of keeping it in. This is probably the scariest thing I’ll have to do. I’m so terrified. Is that normal or is it just me? I also think I’m a lesbian because all the shows or movies I watch or even out in public I find myself checking out other women and I do not find Brad Pitt drop dead gorgeous like most women out there do or any other male for the matter. I have so much to talk about it’s not even funny. I’m going to stop because I don’t want my post to be like 3 pages long. Thanks so much for replying. It’s nice to know that someone out there gives a damn and will listen to what you have to say and give advice.

cep

Post Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:30 pm 
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Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


(((((((((cep)))))))))) <-- These are huge hugs for you.

You're not weird or strange or even unusual. Many of the women here have stories similar to yours. I personally identify with soooo much that you have written, especially the part about waiting to come out to family until you are "sure". There is a certain wise logic to that. Then again, how will you ever know if you are 100% sure? (Don't panic, just something to think about.)

Feel free to log into chat or post a computer question if you can't get in. (You may have to download Java.) Just last night, we were having a really good conversation on coming out experiences. I'd love to have you join us.

Keep on asking questions and keep on reading. If you ever want to talk one-on-one, I am only a PM away.

You are on a journey of self-discovery. It won't always be easy, but it will be worth it.

Hugs,
Eilidh

Post Thu Aug 27, 2009 3:52 pm 
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