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Spirituality, sexuality, family

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sariah



Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Midwest USA
Spirituality, sexuality, family

Hello everyone.

I've been lurking here for a couple of months and reading your posts. Finally working up the courage to actually post something Wink .

In the past couple of months I have finally admitted to myself that I do indeed have a homosexual orientation. It's something that I've been running from for 15 years, and pretty much making a mess of my life in the process. Well, I've finally faced the facts, admitted it to myself and to my therapist.

But now I feel lost and confused in a different way. I was raised in a christian home that is very homophobic. I now go to a different church that is accepting of individuals that are homosexual, provided they are celebate. But just about all my friends and family are ultra-conservative-homophobic. I haven't told them, except for my most tolerant brother and one of my friends. Neither of them really believed me, though. But I feel so disconnected, lonely, out of place. I'm torn between wanting to remain in my faith, but also wanting to have a relationship with a woman. I want to tell my family, because I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of listening in pain as they bash or make fun of gays or lesbians, but I also don't want to cause a huge uproar.

I feel very much alone and conflicted. This is really, really hard. I've been reading all your stories of coming out to your family and facing all the crap they throw at you, and I am amazed by your courage. Anyway, any positive energy you can throw my way, or words of encouragement or advice would be welcomed.

Post Tue Sep 02, 2008 4:38 pm 
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realwoman



Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa


Dear ((((((((((((((((((sariah))))))))))))

Pleased to meet you, and WELCOME TO MELS!!!!

Firstly, congratulations on working up the courage to post here - bet that was not so bad, after all?

Secondly, HUGE KUDO's for admitting the truth about yourself, to yourself. That is a HUGE step. It feels great, doesn't it? Like a huge rock dropped from your shoulders!

I have also struggled with being lesbian for a long time... It took me about 20 years to admit it to myslef, so you got a 5 year advantage over me... hehe. I also grew up in a Calvinistic Protestant church, which is extremely homophobic and also made the cop-out decision: You can be gay (and they accept that it is not a choice, it is part of who you are, like eye-colour) but you have the CHOICE not to live the gay lifestyle, and condemn yourself to celibacy, even if you are not asexual... (Although gay marriage is legal in my country, we had a court case just last week where a congregation of 'my' church fired its music teacher because the guy was in a 'homosexual relationship - him and his partner has been together for 15 years... They wanted him to break-up with his partner and life 'celibate. Fortunately, the chuch lost the case, and got a fine, and had to apologise!)

So, I understand where you are coming from. Both my parents are very active in the church, and it was extremely difficult for me to come out to them. I eventually did come out to them, after the woman of my dreams were on her way to come and stay with me...
The way I eventually explained it to both myself and my parents was per the following:

The Bible says the greatest of all laws is this : Love God above everything else, and love thy neighbour LIKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF" When I came out to myself, I realised that I cannot love others if I do not love myself the way God made me, and if I do not love myself the way God made me, then I am throwing the beauty of that creation away...

I realised the true meaning of LOVE, and that I need to love myself AS I AM, to be able to really love God.

After I accepted myself and my sexuality, I realised that the church tries to control what is happening in peoples' bedrooms, rather than what is happening in their 'headrooms'. It appears to me that it is easier for the church to judge people on who they choose to love, rather than on who they choose to hate... But that is the will (and the dogma) of the CHURCH, and not the will of GOD. There is a difference, and God wants me to Love myself, my neighbour, and to love God. To truly praise God, I have to accept myself the way God created me: brown eyes, reddish hair, and more comfortable with a woman as a soulmate and a life-partner...

So for me, I consider myself a Christian, and a spiritual being, but i am not prescribing to the dogma preached by religion. I will not be told who i can love and who not, or who i can sleep with and who not. To me God is Love, and I live that love through the love for the beautiful woman at my side...

My words of advice to you will be the following... keep reading up, here at Mels, particularly the Coming Out section, have many posts that deal with religion, and homophobic parents.

Just a few thoughts... hope it helps, and all the best with the beautiful road in front of you!

Warm hugs

~real
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light is to darkness as love is to fear...

Post Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:54 pm 
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sariah



Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Midwest USA


Dear real,

Thank you for your reply! It sounds like we've come from similar backgrounds. My family is Calvinist as well. Most people I know wouldn't even acknowledge that perhaps there are people who have a homosexual orientation and didn't choose it. I think that even if I came to them and told them that I was homosexual but celebate they would not understand and would react very negatively. I am currently celebate while I struggle through these issues and learn to love myself for how God has made me. I have left the Calvinist type of churches and have found one that is less legalistic when it comes to sin issues (Eastern Orthodox), but where I am now I still would have to be celebate in order to take communion, although I am at least allowed to acknowledge that I am homosexual. In fact, my priest helped me to come to the point where I could admit it. (He said that he has watched me drive myself crazy over this for the past 4 years and that it is a healthy thing for me to acknowledge the reality of my homosexual orientation.)

So I'm still in the stage of learning to accept myself. Given the environment I was raised in, I am finding that I have a lot of engrained ideas and internalized messages that are very negative when it comes to homosexuality. So I guess you could call me a homophobic homosexual!!! Rolling Eyes That makes for a pretty messed up person - someone who is self-loathing, half-crazy, and masochistic. Now that I have acknowledged my sexual identity, I can hopefully begin the arduous task of learning to love myself just as I am, without having to constantly be running from the fact that I'm deeply attracted to women. I have a really good therapist who is helping me in this journey.

Needless to say, given the sheltered life I was brought up in, I don't know any other lesbians or gays. (Or at least not ones who are open about it! Wink ). I think part of learning to become less homophobic will be to just get involved in the gay/lesbian community, and start unlearning all the crap I've been fed all my life. I'm in graduate school right now, so perhaps I can go to the Rainbow Alliance club they have here on campus. That will take a lot of courage for me to do so. I'm planning to keep reading here at Mels. It's been good for me so far. It helps me to not feel quite so alone!

Sorry this is so long, but thank you for listening!

Post Wed Sep 03, 2008 4:33 pm 
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Dark prism



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.


Hello Sariah,

Welcome to Mels and congratulations on your realization and acceptance of who you are. That's the first step, hon, and everyone does it at their own pace. I knew in my early 20's, but then could not quite bring myself to come out until I was 39--a year and a half ago. This site as well as a lesbian co-worker helped me to have the courage and proper mindset to accomplish it.

You have fought this within yourself for 15 years. All I can say is that I really can't recommend you do what I did and hide in a dark and lonely closet for the next 20. I really really regret that. I have been shocked and amazed at how well everyone including my parents took it. Of course, my situation is different than yours so I cannot say what will happen with you, of course, and you have to consider what the worst case scenario would be and if you can handle that if it happens. You also have to keep yourself safe.

I really think that gay/lesbian organization will be your best bet. It helps so much to be around others that accept you and can understand you. They make you stronger by making you realize that you are NOT alone and that you ARE normal. I think the problem people in this world are the ones that can't love at all, not the ones that can.

Definitely read through alot of the posts in the coming out section (I have a few in there too) and also the Articles & Essays & Intellectual Debate section. There are a few posts in there about religion.

I hope you stick around here. This place helped me more than anything to get through a very hard time in my life, but once I did it, I have felt such a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders and I am really living my life now, and I personally know that God doesn't have any problem with the way I am. I have been attracted to women since I was 9 years old. Are you gonna call that a sin? There are women in this world that I love with all my heart, would protect with my life, and I only want the absolute best for. That's a sin? I get a bit weak in the knees and breathless at the sight of the beauty that God made that is a woman. I'm going to hell for that? I have never been attracted to men and I can only fathom finding comfort in the arms of, and the body of, another woman who feels the same way. Why is that so wrong? The answer is that it isn't wrong, and it's also nobody's business by mine and hers.

In my opinion, the church should be helping people that need help, not condemning people that don't, and spewing more hatred of which we already have way too much of in this world.

As you have probably guessed, I don't go to church, but that does not mean I'm not spiritual. I have a close personal connection with God and I don't feel that I need anyone else to tell me what God thinks. They don't know anymore than I do what God thinks. I do know what I feel to be right though. I am a good person, that tries to help others when I can and never tries to hurt anyone else. I know what I believe to be right, and I believe that God has no problem with me loving anyone.

God is love, right? What is so awful about me loving someone else and deciding to share everything with them. I don't see the problem.

Good luck, Sariah. If you would like to talk privately, feel free to PM me. I certainly hope I have not offended you, and I hope to see you around the boards.

Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation


Dp

Post Thu Sep 04, 2008 6:42 am 
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sariah



Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Midwest USA


quote:
Originally posted by Dark prism:
I certainly hope I have not offended you,



Not at all! Thank you for your input. What you said makes a lot of sense to me. I'm feeling more and more that I need to surround myself with people with whom I can be open about my sexuality; people who will support and love me.

Last night I was even thinking about how I would tell my family, if I were to do so. That "dark and lonely closet" doesn't seem very appealing to me. I'm only 27, and I have a lot of living to do...I don't want it to be that I have a lot of hiding to do. I sort of want to see who my friends really are. I keep thinking things along the lines of, "if that person really knew who I was, they wouldn't be my friend." Well, maybe they still would be. Maybe they wouldn't. But if they wouldn't be my friend if they found out I was homosexual, are they really my friend now?

Anyway, thank you for your input and taking the time to write such a thoughtful response.

All the best!
-s

Post Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:23 pm 
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Dark prism



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.


Exactly.

You're on the right track, hon. If they can't handle it, then it is their problem and their loss. It is also their choice. You won't have abandoned them. And yes, you find out who your real friends are and who is too narrow-minded to realize what is important.

Some may have a problem at first and need a little time to accept it. Give them that time. Remember how long you have been dealing with this. It was a slow realization for you, but it gets thrust upon them, and sometimes it just takes a little time for them to realize that you are no different than you ever were, and who you love does not affect who you are as a friend.

Even when it comes time to tell your parents. They may need a little time to come to terms with the realization that the future they expected for you will be a bit different than they thought. Give them that time and try to be patient. It's sort of a coming out process for them too in a way.

Good luck.


Dp

Post Fri Sep 05, 2008 6:44 am 
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sariah



Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Midwest USA


Hi again, everyone. Sorry for the long lapse in communication. It's been quite the rollercoaster, these past six months or so.

Anyway, last week I did finally come out to my very homophobic family!!! It was just time. They were all very shocked and mostly they are concerned about how I can "reconcile this with faith". I didn't have answers that satisfied them, but they satisfy me, and I've decided that is what is most important at this point. I told them over a week ago, and I haven't really heard anything in response, aside from the initial conversations. I'm not really sure how to take that. It seems like they're taking the "ignore it and it will go away" approach. I guess I can't blame them - I took that approach myself for many years.

Anyway, I imagined the worst case scenario - that my brother would not let me hang out with my neices anymore. That to me would be the worst thing that could happen. I decided, however, that I needed to come out, not only for myself but also for my nieces. I wanted to be an example for them - an example that it's okay to be yourself, even if that doesn't conform with everybody elses' expectations. Anyway, it turns out the worst scenario didn't happen and I'm still allowed to be a part of their life, though I'm not allowed to tell them I'm a lesbian.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all an update since it had been so long. I've started to get involved in some groups at my university. It's an interesting process to sort through all the internalized homophobia that I still hold towards myself. But I'm progressing and that's the important part. The coming out experience was a very empowering one for me. I did the one thing that I was most afraid to do. And guess what? I'm still here, still breathing. In fact, I'm breathing much easier. I'm looking forward to this new beginning.

Thanks for listening Arrow

Post Fri Apr 03, 2009 12:40 am 
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MysteryGirl
Moderators


Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Very Happy I have this big smile all over my face after reading your post Sariah. I wanted to stand up and cheer............WELL DONE YOU!!!!!! it takes an enormous amount of courage to come out to family in a situation such as yours and believe me, i understand how hard it was. But you have taken that first step and each one forward from now on will be that little bit easier.
Believe me you do not want to end up like me, at 56 and still only 'half out" in their life, it is such an enormous weight to always be watching what you say and who you say it too.

Give your family time, like you said in a previous post, you have been wrestling with this for 15 years or more, they have only had a week. Continue to surround yourself with positive, like minded people but at the same time, show your family and friends that you are still 'just you' and they can continue to love you in the same way they always have. Again, congratulations. Exclamation




HugZ, Noni
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Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:38 am 
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Dark prism



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.


*Applauds!*

Congratulations, sariah!

It feels nice to step out into the sunshine, doesn't it?

YOU GO GIRL!!!




Dp
_________________
"Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."

Post Sat Apr 04, 2009 2:24 am 
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