BACK TO HOME PAGE SITE NAVIGATION CONTACT POETRY FORUM STORY FORUM   Horoscope  Radio  Gallery  FAQ   Search   Memberlist   Usergroups   Register   Profile   PM's   
Log in 
 
General Forum Index -> Articles & Essays

Struggling with who we are

Ladies Lifestyle and Living Store
  Author    Thread Post new topic Reply to topic
Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny
Struggling with who we are

Struggling with who we are.

What do we want?
We want to be accepted…that is all we want…to be accepted by the greater part of society. To not have to worry about keeping a job if the boss finds out we are lesbians (which would be against the law but they would find a way if they wanted to and then we sue their pants off). We want to be able to walk down the street and not feel shunned because of who we are. We want to be able to enjoy life while loving the people we love and wish to share our lives with. We don’t want to be cast aside by people who claimed to be our friends when they thought we were “normal” because we are normal people. We don’t want to feel like outcasts in our own families because we share a bed with someone of the same sex. We just want to live our lives the way everyone else does without having to feel like an outcast of society.

Is that feeling of being an outcaste real for all of us?
At first I believe that feeing is there for every one of us but it does not have to be a feeling we carry with us for the rest of our lives. In many cases it depends on the people we associate with and surround ourselves with. Our family and friends are the main people who can make us feel like an outcast. I know…I know I was there and we cannot choose who our parents or siblings are and they are the main ones who can make us feel like outcasts.

How can we avoid that feeling of being cast aside?
Friends can be replaced with people who are truly our friends and who will accept us for who we are. If there are people in our lives who berate us and make us feel like the scum of the earth then we do not need to have them in our life because we are not the scum…they are. I did not talk to or see my father for nearly ten years and it hurt. I wanted to talk to him because I love him and whether or not he accepted my way of life I knew he still loved me. I think the key to not having any feeling that it was my fault was that I always called and talked to my mum and made sure he knew I loved him no matter what and I always wrote him a letter a few times a year letting him know how things were going for me and I have never asked if he read them but I know he did. What he thought of me was important to me. How he saw me was important to me but I would not let it make me feel like an outcast and that was the most important thing in how “I” would not let my family make me feel like an outcast. It took time to win them all over…one got a bloody nose (a cousin) and he still reminds me of it with a smile. Some people will say that if you are cast aside then you should just say screw them and move on with your life and in some cases that is what needs to be done because it can really hurt for some people to lose that support structure that all families can provide emotionally and in some cases financially. I have friends who have not talked to anyone in their family for…since they made it known they were homosexual. Some struggle with it because up to that point they had a wonderful family life and others could care less if they ever see or talk to their parents again. Some have patched the bridges that were broken and others are working on it but some never will be repaired but no matter the case it is of utmost importance that we make sure we do not feel like it is our fault we are considered outcasts from our own families. So to avoid the feeling of guilt that can come from being “outcast” it is important to have people in our life who do not make us feel that way. These people can come from any and everywhere. They can be people we work with, old friends or new friends who care about us for who we are. They can be our lover’s friends or family. Just do not let anyone make us feel like less of a person because of who we are. If we let that happen then we WILL become less of a person in our own minds.

Attitude is very important so get an attitude adjustment and be proud of who you are.

There is a book I would recommend for anyone to read. The title of the book is Twice Blessed – On being lesbian or gay and Jewish by Christie Balka and Andy Rose. You can get the book on Amazon for under $2 US and I am sure you can find it or have it ordered at any bookstore…if not Amazon has it.

In the book mentioned above you will find this passage and I will quote as best as I can recall:
“I’m a seventy-nine year-old great grandmother who also happens to be a lesbian. I felt like such an outcast... I carried guilt, embarrassment, shame, isolation, and all of the ugliness that society could throw at my kind of people--gay people--and we internalized it all to such a degree that it made us sneaky. My life was lived that way for a long time, until I realized that I’m a person, I’m a wonderful person, I’m a very unique woman.” I hope I quoted that correctly…I gave the book away and the last I knew of it the book had somehow made its way to Canada.

This book is a wonderful book to read that will help give a person perspective. We may at times feel like we have it bad and that society wants us to feel like the dregs of civilization but they can only make us feel that way if we let them. We have come a long way from what life was like for her (Gerry I think her name was from the quote above) before she understood that she was letting society dictate to her until she realized, “I’m a person, I’m a wonderful person, I’m a very unique woman.”

All of us are human beings. All of us are wonderful people and very unique women who deserve to be treated as such.
_________________
All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.

Post Tue Jan 22, 2008 6:49 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website  Reply with quote  
Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


Eire,
thank you for the book recommendation. I'll be sure to check it out.

Some initial thoughts:
Yes, of course we want to be accepted in the social and legal systems for who we are and not force ourselves to become people we are not, just for the sake of acceptance. Yet therein lies the challenge: Where do you draw the line between being completely who you are and not caring what other people think, and adjusting your behavior (even if temporarily) to also have compassion for other people's feelings and perspectives.

It seems that "forcing" your identity on other people can be quite selfish and self-serving ... even if it is "just". (I'm not accusing anyone of anything here, just making a general comment.)

I happen to be proud of who I am. That's not to say I am satisfied or content with myself, but based on my personal experiences in life, I am happy with who I am today. However, "who I am" is soooo much more than "lesbian"; that is probably the tiniest part of my identity. There are so many other characteristics, including other minority characteristics, that comprise my identity.

I'd be surprised if there is a single person who presents the same "version" of themselves to every other person in every situation. We all show different parts of our identities, based on the situation. Whether we show the lesbian part or not, should be a choice. We certainly shouldn't be forced to hide it, but we also shouldn't be forced to show it.

There's another point. As much as we shouldn't have to fight for our rights and as much as we should be accepted for who we are, it's exactly this kind of fighting, this kind of norm-challenging and defiance, trying to make people understand , that has made many of us, myself included,into stronger, more self-aware women today. Had I never been asked what it means to be queer or what it means to be a feminist-vegetarian-engineer-activist-whatever-label-you-want, I probably would never have worked so hard to find answers satisfactory to both those asking the questions and, more importantly, for myself. "What doesn't kill ya, makes ya stronger ..."

I apologize for explaining so much of this in the first person, but I think many of us have similar stories and can relate. The stories can all be generalized and the label "lesbian" can be interchanged for an infinite number of other labels we use to describe ourselves.

You have definitely given us some food for thought.
*Nibbling away*

~Eilidh

Post Wed Feb 13, 2008 1:56 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
poeticrendezvous



Joined: 15 Dec 2007
Posts: 278
Location: IL


Eire & Eil

I think this is a good discussion with many insightful elements that were presented. I have, for a long time, struggled with different aspects of self acceptance in being a lesbian. One major influence in my life growing up was religion and though I am not practicing now in a traditional religion, that self condemnation has posed its head on more than just a few occasions. Also, I have never really been around homosexuals in family or close family friendships growing up. I mention these things because to me it is more than just familial or societal influence, it is also our own perspective (by experience or forged by others) that can shape the struggle into what it will become. Like I said earlier in the post, I really had a hard struggle with it. But I have learned some from it as well though I really thought this would never be about the learning, just about my internal consciousness of right and wrong. And I think I became more private about my personal life in the past because of this and other things.

But here is where I am today in perspective. We all have things about us that some people will accept and some people will reject. Homosexuals are different in personality, values, backgrounds, education, nationalities, faults and strengths, etc... you get the idea. We are a group defined by the sex we intimately love, but outside of that there are no more commonalities throughout that make each of us so polarized by a group definition. In other words, I chose not to have the lesbian identity as my sole identity. Camaraderie is wonderful and a much needed support among lesbians. But that does not mean I feel most lesbians speak for me or I for them just because of this commonality. And it does not mean that I have to subject my mind to the same line of reasoning or polarization of those that would only oppose me because I happen to be a lesbian among many other things. On occasions, I have been rejected on much less than that when I think about it and I am sure most people have.

Being gay can be and often is an issue to society, I am not trying to minimize that at all. We actually do care about our relationships in the world and of course, to ourselves. There is a lot of bias out there towards gays. But I have stopped focusing on that. I do not want people to love or hate me solely because I am a lesbian, and if they do it is their prerogative and really short sighted to begin with. Those are not the mentors or friends I would like in my life. I am ok with people not being ok with how I chose to live my life. I am not ok with people that will only see me as a lesbian. But if I go forth and present myself in that polarization, then I have started that process unwittingly. I think we each have a hundred names we could attribute to ourselves. But not one is significant enough to create the base of our worth on, or even dash our worth to the ground for. And that is where we have to stand up against the mentality of judgmental-ism. We do not know the world and the world does not know each of us. It is one person at a time and they are not the world, nor are we. My centered world consists of 7 significant people in my life (along with two dogs and a cat) that without I would be crushed and I mean that. The three others have died in the last 5 years.

What I have learned is that, we all need acceptance not for what we do or not do but because we are human, period. I personally have done more rejecting than accepting of others in my life and that came from fear, principles taught, self rejection and a whole slew of things. Everyone has their different stages of life. It seems like going through those different stages helps break the ego and humbles us to define what we will be, rather than having others define us. It really is not my place to define others but you can be sure that sometimes I struggle with that too. So in the heart of this conversation, I believe ...
the struggle is more about definition than any single attribute or label we can illuminate. The bottom line to others, and them to us is...what I am worth to you? And we should not ask the world that or give that significant part of our lives to just anyone. It hurts really bad when we are broken by the people who are suppose to love us the most. It hurts when our own families reject. But that does not mean you are worth any less and that is important to know. And I think that is the premise of this post.

I have admiration for Eire for starting this post, the stuff that means something to all of us. And I have admiration for Eil for the wisdom she posted as well. It is an important topic.

Post Tue May 27, 2008 6:00 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


Eilidh,

Everything you have said is very true and I agree that forcing ones identity on others is selfish and self-serving just as it is selfish and self-serving of the so-called “normal” people who wish to force us to be like them. I don’t think anyone should force their identity on anyone but with that said is walking down the street window shopping while holding your lovers hand forcing anything onto anyone? Should any lesbian or anyone at all be forced to hold back that urge to just reach out and take their lover’s hand? Should anyone be forced to hold back any display of affection in public out of fear of what someone will think or say to someone else? I do not see that as forcing ones identity onto anyone. I see it as living free and being me.

It is true that we express ourselves differently to different people. I would not say that I show a different version of myself to different people but I would say that different people know me better than others but it does not matter who the person in front of me is I can always be myself whether that situation is business, casual or personal. It is also true that being lesbian is only a small part of who we are because who we are is the sum of our entire lives up to this point in life and how we present ourselves to others is as you say, “a choice” to some degree. I do not have to walk up to everyone I meet and say, “I’m Irish and I’m a woman” because those will be obvious once they see me and once they hear me talk. I have no choice in presenting myself as Irish and a woman (unless I lose my accent and stop looking like a woman).

There are many homosexuals who live with the fear of being known as homosexual for good reason. Some live with it because of the communities they live in or the religious beliefs of their family or out of fear of being physically or verbally abused. Those are only a few of many reasons a lot of homosexuals live their lives in the closet.

Some will live their entire lives comfortably hidden away and others will walk out hand in hand and damn anyone who tries to stand in their way. Of course there are those who live in-between but no matter how we chose to live our lives we should be able to present ourselves in a way that makes us feel comfortable with who we are.

Getting up on the mountain top and shouting to the top of our lungs that we are lesbian is not for everyone but living our lives comfortably with ourselves should be. We are all different but we should all be able to present ourselves in a way that makes us feel comfortable whether that is staying hidden in the closet or out there for everyone to see.

Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow
_________________
All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.

Post Tue May 27, 2008 7:23 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website  Reply with quote  
sariah



Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Midwest USA


quote:
Originally posted by poeticrendezvous:
But here is where I am today in perspective. We all have things about us that some people will accept and some people will reject. Homosexuals are different in personality, values, backgrounds, education, nationalities, faults and strengths, etc... you get the idea. We are a group defined by the sex we intimately love, but outside of that there are no more commonalities throughout that make each of us so polarized by a group definition. In other words, I chose not to have the lesbian identity as my sole identity. Camaraderie is wonderful and a much needed support among lesbians. But that does not mean I feel most lesbians speak for me or I for them just because of this commonality. And it does not mean that I have to subject my mind to the same line of reasoning or polarization of those that would only oppose me because I happen to be a lesbian among many other things. On occasions, I have been rejected on much less than that when I think about it and I am sure most people have.


Sorry to pull up an old thread, but reading this one has helped me a lot and I wanted to thank you ladies who have posted your thoughts on this topic. I quoted the above from >>poeticrendezvous<< because it highlights a false belief I had for a while. Growing up in a homophobic environment, I have internalized many negative messages about the gay communitiy. One of them is the idea that all gays/lesbians are alike. I've noticed that homophobic people tend to lump all the gay "sinners" into one pot, which makes it much easier to condemn them - if you define a person solely based on a sexuality that you condemn, then you are free to condemn the whole person.

Anyway, I say all that just to mention that when I was in the process of coming out to myself I for a while felt very insecure and confused. I kept thinking things like, "I don't know how to be a lesbian". Sometimes I would use this to try to keep myself in the closet - I'd say to myself I couldn't be a lesbian because I didn't {insert stereotypical traight}. Sometimes this belief kept me in the closet even when I didn't want to be, even when I wanted to approach another woman, because I would think, "but I don't know if that's how lesbians do things". However, when I finally let myself come to the realization that I am indeed homosexual, I realized that I DO know how to be a lesbian: I just have to keep on being me .

Post Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:42 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
  Display posts from previous:      
Post new topic Reply to topic

Jump to:  


Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

 


Search For Posters!


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group

In Association with Amazon.com
     
Terms & Conditions Privacy Statement Acknowledgements