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Confused about sexual identity... need some input

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whoami



Joined: 11 May 2008
Posts: 2
Confused about sexual identity... need some input

Hello,
I am a female in her late 20s who has been struggling with her sexual identity for a few years. I had never had a sexual, nor even romantic relationship with anyone of the opposite sex, though that is what I always used to think of when masturbating. I also had thoughts of other women though and crushes on women - never on men. I always notice women first. Then, when I was 21, I had my first experience with a guy - it was awful. I didn't feel anything and I would never touch his organ, that felt just unnatural. After another 3 years, I met someone - a woman I came to love. We started talking about our sexuality, and I found myself aroused like never before. I thought about my sexuality and my feelings, and I realized I felt at peace with myself, like I found an identity I never had before. It felt great to feel at peace with who I was, and it also felt like so many pieces fell into place. My first (and only) sexual experience with a woman was a good one.
My friend and I got separated by distance, and have not seen each other in a long time. I have not since had another sexual partner, and I don't know if I can, while I still love her.
However, there is this one guy who it feels good to be around, but I am not attracted to him physically. It's more like I just feel horny because I haven't been with anyone for so long. I guess the reason I'm writing is that I feel confused about my sexuality. I mean, I know whenever I think of the penis it grosses me out, and I don't want to touch it. I am looking for a supportive group that can help me understand my feelings. I have noone to talk to about this. I don't want to "become" a lesbian for the wrong reasons. But I really dislike the male sexual organ. But I don't want to keep running. How can I find out what I really want / need / feel - who I really am? Thanks.

Post Sun May 11, 2008 5:07 pm 
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holly



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 33


I think you are a lesbian indeed. Very Happy Welcome abroad.

I have a lot of male friends who "it feels good to be around" but I am not attracted to them sexually neither emotionally. Were you in love with your previous girlfriend? If so, you should be able to tell the different.

Which sex do you think about when you masturbate now?

Post Sun May 11, 2008 6:46 pm 
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whoami



Joined: 11 May 2008
Posts: 2


Hi... thanks for your reply, it means a lot. I think I am a lesbian too. Yes I was in love with my girlfriend and I still love her. And it was a huge difference. I could tell that. And when I decided this was OK, I felt like I finally found a piece of my identity which was missing. I am so glad to find a supportive environment. I hope that I can find the strength to come out some day. It's sad that you have to worry you'll lose some of your friends if they find out. Has this happened to you? I guess they're not worth it though, eh? Smile
Thanks again.

Post Sun May 11, 2008 11:52 pm 
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holly



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 33


Hey, why don't you introduce yourself?
Coming out is one difficult step indeed, BUT it's been really helpful for me. After I came out, I could tell, among my group of mates, which ones were REAL friends and which were not. People's reaction when I told them was surprisingly good, I only lost one friend. But she was very religious so I should've known.

Post Mon May 12, 2008 1:09 pm 
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storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A
You might be surprised!

quote:
Originally posted by holly:
I only lost one friend. But she was very religious so I should've known.


Not necesarally (sp) Holly. That is to say, surprisingly, some people may surprise you, regardless of religion.

For example, my friend, who identifies unshakably as a Christian, and even considers herself to be somewhat of a conservative---she was very kind torward me when i came out to her. Not to say that she agrees, in theory, but she definitely didn't stop caring, and being my friend. In-fact, that situation only prooved to me how good of a person she really is.

But, then-again, her self-proclaimed conservatism was probably just as much of a shock to me, as my coming out was to her! I mean, there's something of a rainbow ora about her, so who would've guessed? Laughing

Anyway, the bottom line is that the surprise can go both ways.

So, my advise to anyone experiancing the pull-and-tug of "to tell or not to tell", is to just tell. I mean, it's not like you're being heard over the intercom of the world. Besides, who gives a hoot what the rest of the world thinks?! It is your loved-ones who truly worry you, but ironically, those are the very people whom you needn't be worried about, albiet, some folks are falsly so, while others are unaware. But, that's where the surprise really works its wonders. Cause, coming out has the benifit that miost people never reach, until years of disillusionment. Meaning that some people go through years in a relationship (of any kind), thinking that they are secure in eachother's bond, only to find-out later (through personal evolvment, growth, and some sort of big change) that that is not the case.

So, in a way, we girls should consider ourselves lucky; we have an opertunity and reason early-on, to just cut to the chase, to know right where we stand with our "loved ones", without having to wait helplessly for Father Time to nudge us along.

Post Tue May 13, 2008 4:20 am 
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storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A
P.S.

whoami,
About your question as to how you can tell who you really are, and what you really want, well... only you can really determin that, through lots of peaceful self-reflection.

But, don't stress too bad over it, cause ultimately, Father Time does lead the way to all things. The question is, would you rather be a help-mate to your destiny, or hostage of it? Don't hesitate to give time to yourself. Learn about yourself, and everything else will fall into line.

Post Tue May 13, 2008 4:36 am 
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OceanWaves



Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Posts: 16
Location: Seattle


hey there whoami! I don't have any great advice for you, but I understand everything you wrote about. I'm in a pretty similar place myself right now, so I get it. I hope you find the answers you're looking for and lots of happiness! Take care!
_________________
~*Ocean Waves*~

Post Tue May 13, 2008 4:13 pm 
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velcro003



Joined: 23 Apr 2008
Posts: 2


What I struggle with is that I do find guys to be attractive, and notice attractive guys when I am out and about. I don't neccesarily do the same things with girls...though I do and can say when a girl is pretty. To me, that makes me think I am mainly attracted to guys.

The thing is, I've had relationships before, but only one serious one when I was in High School (im 27 now). We dated on and off for about a year and a half, and I liked him very much, and was devastated when he broke up with me. The thing is, we never had sex, nor did we do much more than general "groping" the whole time we were together. To me, that was ok and normal...and I knew his family was very religious and conservative. I don't think I ever felt once that I needed/wanted to have sex with him, or take it further than it already went. I won't say that I wasn't happy or felt pleasure, but I don't think it was any huge desire on my part.

I always thought of myself as straight, and never really dated after him. In college I went on a few dates with this one guy, but he came on too strongly for me, and I ditched him. My senior year of college, I met this girl on the rugby team I was on, and we clicked right away and became close friends very fast.

We cuddled all the time, she slept over in my bed alot, we would walk home from bars holding hands (I was always drunk..) and spent most of our time together. I didn't think anything of it, it just felt normal for me. Nothing sexual happened, and I thought we were just close friends. One night she kissed me, and I just sat there and didnt' do or say anything. She ran downstairs, and I ran in my bed and bawled my eyes out. I told her the next day that I just liked to cuddle, and that was it.

Eventually she separated herself from me, telling me she changed and that our relationship wasn't healthy. I was so sad, and tried so hard to understand why she didn't want to be friends with me any longer. It took me a long time to get over.

Now if that hadn't all happened, I couldn't tell you if I was questioning myself at all or not. But it did. I don't know if she was just a random, weird thing....or if it means something deeper. I never thought I wanted anything more from that, but a lot of how we acted was very couple-y, minus the sexual part of it.

But then I tell myself that I do find guys to be attractive, but the thought of the penis kind of repulses me, and Ive always found it easier to form emotional attachments to women...but Ive always thought of that as normal for most women. We are emotional creatures. I just run around in circles over this, and get no conclusions. I haven't dated anyone in over 4 years, and I'm not getting any younger. I now just don't even let myself get into a situation where I would even be potentially asked out on a date. I did once when I first moved to VA, but I just kept refusing his offer.

There is too much safety in singledom. I don't know what it is like to date, and the thought of sex isn't very appealing to me. Sigh. Sorry for the extremely long post, and I know no one can tell me what I am...but I just am tired of going around in circles about it. Aren't people just supposed to know? I think that, and go "Well, if you don't....you're probably not gay"...but then I think "Why are you so anguished over it then? If you're straight, life will probably be easier anyway!"

Post Fri May 30, 2008 4:44 am 
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