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Detentions!

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karatekezza



Joined: 02 Mar 2008
Posts: 66
Location: Stockport
Detentions!

My boy keeps getting detentions in school. Each time a kid gets a detention they write to the parents so he can't get away with it. Just this week alone by wednesday i had received two letters to say he had detentions.
In the classroom he's really good and very clever. He's in top set for most of his subjects and even gets involved with things in school like the school council and 'playground buddying'.
It's always in the playground that he behaves badly and what upsets me the most is that the detentions are always for aggressive behaviour or being disrespectful to teachers. I think 'why is he doing this?' and then of course the obvious question 'what am i doing wrong as a mother?' Last term he had that many detentions that school called me in and said that if he received any more he would be excluded from class.
I know he does have a bad temper, his brother is 4 and he hits him sometimes and they fight a lot. My eldest doesnt seem to understand that his little brother is only 4 and he will hurt him if he hits him. I have always tried to say if he hits you come and tell me so i can deal with him instead of hitting him back yourself.
so, Ryan is 11 in two weeks and in september he will be starting secondary school and i'm worried about how he will be. He is so bright but i'm scared he will waste his good brain on being naughty and getting into fights. I'm also scared of how he will grow up, will he be into crime, a teenage delinquant getting into fights and drinking on the streets?
I have seen a wonderful and sweet natured side to Ryan. He is helpful and likes his cuddles, he also has lots of 'nice' friends so i know he's a likeable boy...so whats going wrong, is it me? I think his temper comes from his dad's side, his dad was abusive towards me and i know for a fact that his dad has said some things to Ryan that has upset him. His dad is also very homophobic which makes things a little more difficult.
During the day when Ryan and Ethan are together all i get is screaming and shouting and the sound of slapping ect. I just feel like screaming at the top of my voice and walking out the door. So this is how i see that what the teachers are saying is true because i see it at home all the time.
Well at the moment Ryan is grounded and banned from using his playstation 3 for a week, which is a nightmare for me because i have to put up with them fighting. Any advice please? I feel a bit deflated about all this i don't know what to do next.

Post Sun Apr 27, 2008 9:02 am 
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twilight



Joined: 29 Sep 2004
Posts: 1035
Location: First Star on the Right Straight on til Morning


First let me reaffirm you. You are a great parent. I know that because otherwise you would not care that he was getting in trouble.

Advice. I know this is hard, but have you considered counseling for anger management? Someone professional and separate from the home could possible help him get control. It is so hard to take hime the first few times, but it will help. Also, I have no idea if England has something like Big Brother and Big Sisters (a mentoring program where kids are matched with an adult and they do things in the community or whatever and just hang out.) If they do that may help him cope with whatever issues he has.

Please let me know how things go, Kez!
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Twilight, Her Royal Highness, The Queen of Fun and Games

The lengthening shadows wait The first pale stars of twilight. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Post Sun Apr 27, 2008 12:53 pm 
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Greenshadow



Joined: 29 Sep 2005
Posts: 176
Location: Near a tea cup


I totally agree with Twilight's suggestion of anger management therapy. I am not a parent, but I did have problems similar to your son's when I was his age, and talking to a therapist helped me.
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Firefly

Post Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:05 pm 
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karatekezza



Joined: 02 Mar 2008
Posts: 66
Location: Stockport


I do agree that maybe he needs anger management but whenever i talk to my health visitor about it, it just seems to be dismissed like they don't think he needs it. I will try again though because he needs something. Whenever i ask him he doesnt give anything away.

Post Sun Apr 27, 2008 7:28 pm 
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holly



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 33


I don't have teenage kids so I don't really know what you're talking about, but have you talked to him? Asked him WHY he does the things he's doing? Maybe he just needs a good listener.

Post Fri May 02, 2008 8:00 pm 
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Phoenix
Moderators


Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida


Hi Kezza,

Behavior modification is easy. Set a rule and STICK with it. He will test it to see if it is real, and when the boundaries do not budge he will be forced to comply or suffer the consequences. If he hits his brother give him a time out facing the corner and take away a priviledge for the rest of the day.

The amount of time for a time out depends on his ability to sit still and focus. If he gets up his time starts over. If they share a room, keep them separate. Also, you will have to keep a good eye on the lil brother so he does not get away with antagonizing the older one, and give him (little brother) appropriate time outs.

Here is the clincher though, as soon as you see a positive interaction praise them! Kids love praise. It reinforces the behavior. I used to get those bags of small dinosaurs and glow in the dark stars for my little ones when they did the smallest good deed (even the stuff they should do like being polite and kind). They love the praise and little goodies. Negative behavior is easy to fight but much more tiring than rewarding good behavior.

At the age of 11, your son can grasp a larger goal like special time with you if he does X, like no detention this week. Find something that he values. You may have to make it a daily thing for a while and work up to a week goal. The thing is, he can control himself if he wants to, and the way to make him want to is positive rewards! If he breaks the rule for at school behavior or at home behavior you MUST stick to the discipline you have told him will happen. Lots of children go through this, and they don't become career criminals.

I would also encourage him to keep a journal. He should also know he can talk to you whenever needed and sometimes if he just wants to talk and be listened to that's ok too. Be sure he knows you respect his feelings, but we cannot assault people, and if he feels the need to do that he needs to go to an adult and seek assistance because it is not allowed to strike another ever.

phoenix
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Post Sun May 04, 2008 12:57 am 
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karatekezza



Joined: 02 Mar 2008
Posts: 66
Location: Stockport


Thanks Pheonix, thats great advice. I must admit he hasn't had any detentions recently so i quite pleased. Although he did slap his little brother across his bare legs with a toy rubber snake! OUCH! Surprised
It's Ryan's birthday coming up next week and i think he's trying to be good because i promised to take him and two of his friends bowling.
I must clarify here that i do talk to him as much as i can and i always tell him i am always there for him if there is something on his mind. I always tell him that i love him too and he is my special man ect.

Post Wed May 07, 2008 7:10 am 
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Cavewoman



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby


your son and I could be twins
I'm now in my 50s, got tossed outta Sunday School, Girlscouts, junior high, highschool and damn near college... and assorted other adventures through college and the rest of living...spent a great deal of my very young years "punching" my sister, getting into trouble on the playground, name it... detention? hell, it was just an extra study hall for me (which I didn't need)

etc. etc.

wanna know why?

1. school, parents all of it, teach us to think ... REALLY teach us to think if we pay attention.... ..... p.s. ... some of us do pay attention

2. then comes the glory of hormones, brain development, etc.... so now critical thinking comes into play... OK

3. anytime, hell, damn near EVERY time i truely apply (applied) what i've learned, the entire planet gets pissed off and comes up with some bogus excuse to not listen to me... vs. "putting me in my place" by labeling it aggressive behavior, noncompliance, not the team thought, etc etc etc .... I'm not talking about beating somebody in a meeting ... but I am talking about what most folks consider simple conversation... the question might be "so does anybody have a suggestion as to how to solve this problem?" ... and obviously the honest answer is " well, we could get rid of the slackers and add some valid motivators to encourage those remaining until we train up a group of coworkers the way we'd like them to be"... right?... a fairly obvious answer.. BUT, name one person on this earth in a position of control who would rationally tolerate that? ... y'all are inclined to say, " well, hell, anybody with a brain!".... yeah?... I dare you.... cause i've done it countless times... and guess who goes first? ME!... weird huh?.. but true... the slackers get ahead... the do nothings get ahead... why? I've been told its because they play the game, they make no waves, they voice no opposing thoughts.... ok.... but it pisses me off, they do nothing, they offer nothing and they tramp the party line... blah blah blah... if your son is like me,,,, that alone is a pack of lit matches on a pool of gasoline

all one huge excuse for NOT listening to the truth of what they asked me to consider and respond to... I will forever remain and continue to be and grow into who i am and can be... if that means I don't fit.. then so be it... I am not a great fault.. the Planet is... y'all taught me to think, and I do... now ya don't like what comes outta my mouth, .... the truth... a well rounded, not too easily swallowed and even far more poorly subverted truth..... its just the truth... not pretty, not ugly, just IS... and for THAT.... i spent my childhood as your child is and continue to live my life.... semi-concerned with "fitting in".......

I'm certain your son and I would get along fine... my advice? ABSOLUTELY spend these summers in the woods, alone, quiet, adventuring... and most of all thinking about what makes "me" (him) MOST happy,,,, and point all sails in that direction....

we're not wierd people, we take the world and its teaching literally... when the world and its people and lessons turn out to be the exact opposite, YET its expectations remain the same,,, we get down right pissed off... and therefore... "in trouble"...

your son is angry as hell, because the world demands one thing of integrity... yet expects another and persecutes at the same time... wanna help?... help him find his true and I mean TRUE interest in life... yes, the impossible, esoteric one, and help him get there...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he's pissed off because this planet is loaded with hypocrites who are in control..... in control of what? everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

comply or suffer, my ass........................... I will NOT comply... and after a while, suffering becomes normal... and its not my suffering I cry over, its the gigantic loss of the human experience sacrified to "comply or suffer"...
enough said, I'm done... if you can't figure this out... well, yer never gonna figure out your son either... which is YOUR loss, not his.... sooner or later, come hell or high water, he'll figure it out... after all, isn't that what ALL that wasted time in detention is? or are we supposed to unravel the unspoken realities (vs. the touted virtues) in all those ridiculous essays and papers we write in detention?... I wrote them, I sat through them... I'm proud to say, I am me... and I'm not wrong. ... to this day.. there's one hell of a streak of anger in me... but with time I've managed...

that crap about comply or lose or whatever it was... it didn't work.
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" The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews

Post Thu May 08, 2008 8:53 am 
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karatekezza



Joined: 02 Mar 2008
Posts: 66
Location: Stockport


Hmmm Cavewoman i think i'll have to read that a few more times. I do kinda grasp where your coming from a little bit. He feels different, doesn't fit in. I know he certainly hates discipline and being told what to do.
This is why he had to give up karate, because he couldn't take the citisism when he got it wrong. All he seems interested in now is guns and joining the army cadets, which he can't do until he's 13.

Post Mon May 12, 2008 7:33 am 
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