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Coming Out (explanation) and questions

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Jem



Joined: 28 Apr 2008
Posts: 18
Coming Out (explanation) and questions

Okay so I read through a few posts and the responses. I see alot of trends, especially the advice to just be who you are..... So I guess here is my story, take from it what you will, and tell me what you want, I am open to any and all advice, tips, and suggestions.

Like many of you I have known for quite some time that I am gay, in fact I avoid any and all boy conversations, because I had nothing to really contribute. The other thing (again like many of you) is that my parents are extremely homophobic. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that my family, siblings included, have known long before I really knew that I was gay. My eldest sibling took to calling me a homo before I knew what the word meant. And my mother has tried very hard to be accepting of my lifestyle. Her reasoning for why I am gay... I am not on birth control, and I've never brought a man home (I know great reasoning eh!!). But I have NOT told them outright I am gay. I am afraid that when I do tell them, the fragile attempts at support will be lost. They have a very low tolerance for gays and lesbians.

Although i have a few friends who are supportive, I also have one whom (I was not aware is very very religious) and told me that God hated me because I was gay. Another thing is I am very shy (I know hard to believe with how much I have typed here) and coming out in person like talking to someone is hard, face to face would be worse. So for now I've resulted to using the MSN medium, and I am not very proud of this fact.

So I guess what I am asking, is there anyway I could make coming out easier for me and the person I am coming out to? Is there any info I could give my parents to at least help them along their way to acceptance? And any tips for overcoming my shyness?

Thanks for listening,

Jem

Post Mon Apr 28, 2008 2:49 am 
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Dark prism



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.


Jem,

Hi hon, and welcome to Mels. I have alot to say to you, but I was just scanning the boards for a few minutes before heading off to work and don't have the time right now, but I will respond later. I didn't want you to think no one was reading you, or hearing you, because I do hear you, and was in a similar situation not too long ago. I'm now out and damn happy and would like to discuss this with you.

May I ask how old you are?

I will respond to this later tonight if I get some time, and if not, then certainly by tomorrow. Life has been hectic since I met my girlfriend on this site and she has recently moved in with me. 2 years ago, I was completely closeted and scared to tell anyone. Things do change, sweetie, and for the better.

I will talk to you later. Hang in there


Dp
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"Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."

Post Wed Apr 30, 2008 3:54 pm 
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mfl



Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 20


Chic It's only one life. You need to think about you and what your needs are. I think the longer you leave coming out, the more difficult it is
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Post Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:54 pm 
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Jem



Joined: 28 Apr 2008
Posts: 18


Hi Dp,

I am 24, in response to your question. And please do not worry too much about responding I understand that people lead busy lives, and responses will come when they come.

Mlf, thankyou for saying that, and I am going to do what you say, but shocking the people who raised me without anything to help them along seems a bit harsh. I would like to ensure they at least can grow a bit from what I tell them and not regress in their seeming "growth". I think that makes sense.. but if it doesn't tell me and I will clarify.

Thankyou both for responding.

Jem

Post Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:50 pm 
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Dark prism



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.


Hello again, Jem.

What you said makes perfect sense to me and I think it's very thoughful and shows you care about your family. One thing I learned from my mother is that the person coming out has had a long time to slowly come to terms with the fact they are gay (and yes, sometimes it's a very slow and agonizingly long time) but parents usually find out all at once when it is forced on them, and then they are judged by their initial reaction. Even though I couldn't have asked for a better reaction from my mother, she has hade me realize that we do need to help our parents through this transition. If they at least have somewhat of an open mind, it's usually a transition from ignorance and fear to knowledge and acceptance.

Being armed with a strong sense of yourself and your convictions, as well as whatever books and flyers and handouts you can find from organizations like PFLAG, along with your patience and love, are what you are going to need to be armed with to do this, in my opinion.

To help you get that strong sense of yourself and your convictions, I think you have made a great first step by talking to your friends (not the hatred spewing bible thumper---sorry, but I have issues with that---I think you need to distance yourself from her if she keeps saying things like that to you) and by coming here to Mels. I think it's very important to get the support you need from other lesbians and gays, either here or out there in the world, or both. Being with other women who understand and know that there is nothing wrong with this, (in fact there is something very right about this) can really give you the support you need to have a strong sense of self and what's right. There is no reason to not be proud of communicating and learning from other like minded women on the internet, as long as you are safe. This place changed my life---thank God I came here and got the support I needed.

I kept my deep dark little secret for over half my life and only came out last year at the age of 39. I missed out on alot of my life because I was so worried about how my parents would take it and how that would affect the rest of the family. My first step was coming to Mels. Without Mels, I wouldn't be where I am today. The ladies from Mels supported me and made me realize I am proud of who I am. Mels gave me the place to vent and discuss my thoughts and feelings on the message board, as well as to share my creative side in the poetry and story board.

My coming out went great. I couldn't have asked for better, and I know that it doesn't always for all people, but all I can say is that I couldn't believe how fantastic it felt when I finally came out. It was so amazingly freeing.

I know that there is risk with you coming out and your family not taking it well, but all I can say is that I don't recommend keeping it a secret as long as I did. I don't want you to look back and regret the life you could have had like I do.

I certainly hope they take it well when you do it, but just remember that even if they don't, we are here to give advice and support.

I hope to see more of you around the boards and maybe in chat.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk privately.

Good luck, hon, and again, welcome to Mels.


Dp
_________________
"Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."

Post Fri May 02, 2008 7:03 am 
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